she wore all black. The people she was around could smell the perfume coming off of her in waves, the smell that covered up the stench of smoke and sex. In an urban place like this, right in the middle of the mall, the windows on the ceiling casting sunlight on this black little basket case, she looked so out of place. 1
I sat with my back to a good pizza place, gulping down the only thing that was free at stores these days, and as the water caressed my throat and cooled me from the inside, she walked past and i knew she was the one i had been waiting for. Her six inch high black leather boots went up to her knees and connected with fish netted stockings, which led to the black mini-skirt, just long enough that you only saw an inch of leg flesh through all the little diamonds the nets made in her skin, then up to the black levi jacket and the black shirt that was purposefully ripped in and artistic way... 2
It was a work of art in my opinion. As i stared at her hair, wavy, black of course, tangled in random places, hanging in her face and going down past her shoulders, at the same time sticking straight up in pony tails, random braids here and there with white beads to hold them in place... as i looked at the way she walked, her arms swaying back and forth, her hips swinging, head straight forward, a look of hate in her dark eyes... as i stared at all of her, took her in, drank her in, i knew she could help me.3
The street that sat in front of my house is where this all started. It was pouring rain out and the street lights barely lit up anything through all the water cascading through the sky. I stood drenched, staring at the sky and letting the flood hit me in the eyes. i opened my mouth for some moisture, some water to clear my throat, and without thinking... I put my fathers gun to my head...
Author notes
a beginning to a story i'm working on. i'll post more later.
A contest entry
- Writing on the Wall by Six-Feet-Underwater.
168 points, ended September 17, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Happily Never After by Sha Wujing.
270 points, ended September 24, 2008, 11 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Got Clap? (Prewrites Only!) by Valkyrie.
650 points, ended September 20, 2008, 35 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I think I wanna read the rest!!
That girl sounds sexy, you say she can help you and then you put a gun to your head.
I hope you don't fire....
Do you fire???
I hope you don't fire!!
Finish your story!! I wanna READ!beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, characters: 4.
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Can't wait to read how you finish this one.
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Smoke and sex...
Sounds like a good perfume...Bottled it, package it in a "Gucci" bottle and name it..."Smoke and Sex" Tagline: Exploring the Human body one spray at a time. XD Lol. J/k. I really liked this for some-odd reason...it was awesome. Specially the discriptions of the woman, I could see her walking toward me. Pretty awesome when you find that one character that rip through the pages and explore the mind of your reader. Enjoyed this. Keep it up sonny boy..(if ur not a boy...I apologize...XD)
..Sorry...Hyper today. Gonna read somemore of this...gotta learn more about this chick
beginning: 4, language: 4, characters: 5.
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This is a very interesting, grabbing start to a story. You'll want to capitalize all of the pronoun I's though. There are some places that commas are used that should have a period and a start of a new sentence. If you would like me to go into further detail, let me know.
You definitely have a beginning that snagged me.
Write On!
Beth
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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did you pull the trigger?
Just kidding. I don't particularly like this style of descriptive prose, but maybe that's because i'm more used to the rules of grammar this side of the pond. There's a tongue-hanging-out desperation about it, as if the sight of a woman is such an unusual thing. OK, so she might seem a bit special, but I'm missing the connection between her and the suicidal thoughts. And there's another thing; anyone that seems to embody hatred, as this woman does, is not particularly attractive except to the unhinged. I don't know how many of these you've seen, I suspect there's more than a hint of formulaic copying going on here, because there's little doubt that if you had seen a hate filled woman, you would neither find it a pretty sight, nor would you try to sell the idea of attractiveness to others.
I really feel you should revisit this and ask yourself what it is that's so attractive; more importantly, sell it to your audience more effectively. -
Wow, that's awesomely descriptive. I love how it suddenly dangles in a life-or-death situation there at the end. And you leave it totally mysterious as to why this one woman can help you. I loved it. And the hate in her eyes, nice touch. Although, in P1, you said stench of smoke and sex. I'd think maybe the people having sex have stenches of their own, but sex itself...meh, that's iffy. Unless you meant sex and stench of smoke. That I can see more easily.
P1 she should be capitalized as your first word's first sentence
P2 in and artistic way = an artistic
P4 fathers = father's
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It's great. your descriptions are brilliant and the story flows nicely. I would love to know where it's goint. Great job!!
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Very good
This was an excellent piece! It was very vivid and I could clearly picture it in my mind. It had a bit of a suspense element to it, which I enjoyed.
I felt that it was maybe a bit too short as I was wanting to read more.
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