The Honeymooners

It was a hot summer day in West Oaks, Kansas. The twitter of the cicadas in the fields of wheat stung the hot, dry air, and soon, the roar of a Mustang’s engine broke through the peace, the engine sputtering as it slowed to a stop on the sandy shoulder of the road.1

“God damn,” muttered Jake Long, his grip tightening on the black leather steering wheel as he tried to shake it loose in frustration. He’d discarded his black t-shirt into the back seat hours before when the air conditioner had stopped, leaving him in a pair of jeans and his black Converse sneakers. “Don’t say anything.”2

“I wasn’t going to,” came the voice of Mrs. Sarah Long from the passenger seat. She’d only taken the last name a day before, and at the moment, couldn’t have been less pleased about that decision, dressed in jeans and a camisole, having had to take off her white blouse in lieu of the sweltering heat. “I was just going to sit here and keep my mouth shut so you could think about your ridiculously hard-headed mistakes.”3

“Sarah, why do you always do that?” Jake asked, aggravated.4

“Why don’t you just listen to me once in a while?”5

“Don’t blame me for this!”6

“Why not? You’re the one who said, ‘No, Sweetheart, let’s not go to Maui for our honeymoon. Let’s be original. Let’s go to West Oaks, Kansas! Let’s rent a Mustang! Lets get the one with the black exterior AND interior, the freaking Bat Mobile! Let’s take the left fork; my all-knowing mind is telling me that that’s the right way; why don’t we stay at a remote bed and breakfast owned by a woman obsessed with embroidery and kittens instead of a 5 star resort,’” Sarah mocked, pulling her red hair into a messy bun.7

“Well it’s not my fault you wanted to go to Maui at the busiest time of the year!”8

“And it’s not my fault that you wanted to get married in August!”9

There was silence in the car for a moment, and the double exhaust system backfired loudly, suddenly, nearly startling them both into cardiac arrest.10

“Shit!” Jake yelled, slamming his hands on the steering wheel. “God damnit!”11

“Stop swearing, Jake! It’s not going to help!” Sarah muttered as she looked out the window. “There isn’t anything for miles.”12

“Hand me the map, I’ll find something,” Jake grumbled, his hand outstretched toward the map that his wife had tucked into the compartment in the door, though making no attempt to actually reach it.13

“Yes, and suddenly some town that I couldn’t see will appear, and then you can call the insurance company on your dead cell phone, which, of course, you could resurrect, since you, of course, are the messiah.”14

“Sarah!” Jake yelled.15

“Yes, Darling?” she smiled sweetly, though her tone was filled with spite.16

“Will you just hand me the god damned map?”17

Sarah handed him the map, sinking down in her seat and crossing her arms over her stomach as she stared out the passenger side window.18

A few minutes passed as Jake studied the map, but then Sarah sat up quickly. “Jake, Jake look! A sheep! Oh, oh my god, there’s more of them!”19

“Maybe they’re my disciples,” he muttered, his eyes never even flickering from the map.20

“Don’t you get it? Where there are sheep, there is usually a-”21

“Shepherd!” Jake was out of the car in a matter of seconds, and running through the field toward the herd. Sarah got out and walked to follow him, then heard a loud “OW!” She rolled her eyes, then jogged to catch up.22

“Ah, shit! Son of a bitch!” Jake was holding his right ankle and hopping on one foot.23

“What did you do?”24

“The freakin’ sheep bit me! It freakin’ bit me!”25

Sarah laughed loudly. “Which sheep was it? I want to take it with me and leave you here. Maybe it’ll listen when I tell it which way to go.”26

“Not… funny!” Jake said, wincing. A few drops of blood seeped through between his fingers.27

“Oh, I think it’s pretty funny, Babe. You stay here, I’ll go talk to the shepherd, and then I’ll come back and get poor baby’s leg cleaned up.” She started off toward the man who was about twenty yards away, wearing a large hat and carrying a rod and staff.28

“Hell no! You’re not going alone to talk to some strange man in the middle of a field; you don’t know what he could do to you! Maybe he’s a sex offender, or a mass murderer, or, or the leader of a cult!” Jake shouted after her.29

“Shepherd by day, Charles Manson by night. Of course. And you forget that I was raised by not one, but two Marines. Don’t you think you’re being a little unreasonable?”30

“Unreasonable? Unreasonable! HA! I’m being unreasonable, yes, that’s it! We’re stranded in the middle of nowhere and I just got bit by a sheep! Of COURSE I’m being unreasonable!”31

Sarah turned to face him, “Jake, Babe, please. Can we just call it a truce?”32

Jake stared at her a moment, then sighed. “Yeah, okay. Would you help me out?”33

“Why not?” Sarah asked rhetorically, going back to him and pulling his arm over her shoulders so he could use her has a makeshift crutch.34

It didn’t take them too long to get to the man, whose skin was dark from many hours in the sun and some kind of Latin heritage.35

“’Scuse me, sir? Our car broke down and we’re stranded, do you have a phone we could use?” Sarah asked the man before Jake could open his mouth.36

The man cocked his head at them, his small eyes wide on his chubby, mustachioed face. “Que?”37

“Our car is broken. Phone?”38

“Lo siento, Senora, no hablo ingles. Lo siento, lo siento.”39

“Crap. He only speaks Spanish,” Sarah said to Jake.40

“Okay, let me try this. Senor, el carro es… muy infermo. Tengo un telephono para nosotros usamos?” Jake hadn’t spoken Spanish since his tenth grade Level 2 class, so he was a little rusty, and had to tell the man that their car was sick.41

“Oh, telephono! Si, Senor, un telephono es en mi casa.”42

“Gracias, Senor.” Jake smiled triumphantly at Sarah, who let her ego drop for a moment to smile back.43

They made their way through the field, the herd of sheep in tow thanks to two collies, and into a large farmhouse with a big red barn, right out of the movies. The man handed Sarah a phone, and Jake handed her the insurance company’s card, while the Spanish-speaking man brought Jake a wet paper towel, hydrogen peroxide and a large bandage for the bite.44

The insurance company called Enterprise rentals and had a rental car driven over from Lawrence, which was twenty miles North. The Spanish-speaking man served them lemonade and mini taquitos and let them sit in the living room and watch one of the three channels on the ancient television set.45

Jake glanced over at Sarah, looking guilty. “I’m sorry we didn’t go to Maui, and I‘m sorry I‘ve been so mad all day. This was a stupid idea.”46

“I guess I’ll have to get used to those stupid ideas, won’t I?” she asked playfully, holding up her left hand to display her diamond ring. “But you know, this house is kind of like a bed and breakfast: comfortable, cozy, with one phone and three channels on the TV.”47

Jake laughed. “You’re right. I guess I’ll have to get used to you being right all the time, won’t I?”48

“Probably,” Sarah said with a smile, and Jake leaned in and kissed her.49

Their kiss broke off in a laugh from Sarah. “Dude,” she giggled, “you got bit by a sheep! My new husband got bit by a sheep! Let’s tell everyone you were attacked by a shark.”50

“In Kansas?”51

“Oh, Babe, forget Kansas. It’s my turn to pick the adventure. We are so going to M-”52

Jake cut her off by pressing his lips against hers one more time.