The Letter

I never loved you. Those were the last words he said to me on that horrible day. It was the day he was leaving, moving all the way across the country to the east coast. Instead of trying to keep our relastionship going, he decided to dump me. He told me he never loved me, never cared for me. I knew he was lying to me and that made it all worse. He was too scared to try and make a long distance relationship work, so he ran away from it.
After that day I cried for months. That day happened six years ago when we were seventeen. Even after those six long years I can still remember his every feature, the way his shaggy black hair fell perfectly into his baby blue eyes, his small nose, the contour of his amazing lips. I remember the way his wonderful arms felt around me, strong and protecting, the way he always smelled of vanilla and cinnamin. I loved everything about him, and back then I was certain that we would spend the rest of our lives together.
I went out to the mailbox for the house I'd been living in for the past ten years. Everyday was the same. There was nothing but bills to pay and junk mail, but today was different. Today there was a letter... from him. As I walked through the front door I dropped the bills and junk mail on the hardwood floors and, with shaking hands and a rapidly beating heart, I tore open the letter.
At first I couldn't read what was written on the paper. Tears filled my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. Tears of what? Happiness? Fear? Longing? All of the above? I don't know. I gathered my composure enough to read the letter two times through, but not enough to keep me from breaking down afterwards. His chicken scratch was horridly familiar to me as I continued to read the letter over and over.1

"Dear Kari,
I know we haven't talked in a really long time, and I take full responsibility for that. I know that I broke your heart that day six years ago, and that you probably don't want to hear from me. But if you read this or not, I had to send it. There was just something I've always wanted to tell you but I was too afraid to call. You might not even be at this adress anymore, I don't know. I just hope you get this letter and that you believe what I have to tell you.
I want you to know, I didn't mean it when I said I never loved you. I did love you and I still love you. Sometimes I wonder what things would've been like if I hadn't made that mistake. Maybe we would be right where we are now, maybe we would still be together, possibly married. Not a day goes by when I don't regret what I did, and I just wanted you to know that. I also want you to know that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you and I would gladly be yours again if you want me. I hope someday you can forgive me for what I did to you.
Forever yours,
Ben"2

I held the letter tightly to my chest and cried until my whole body ached. I did believe Ben, I did, and I cried harder for the fact that I could have Ben back if I really wanted him. All it would take was a simple phone call.
I flipped through my old adress book, picked up the cordless, and listened for the other end to pick up.
"Ben?" I said through my tears. "It's Kari. I got your letter."