A Poetic Suicide

PART I1

I. THE BEGINNING WITH NO NAME2

There was revenge in her eyes as she struck me with her smile. I knew it could never be real yet I went along, why I’ll never know. What is reality, really? Nothing and everything I suppose.3

I guess the first thing you should know about me would be my name. But I’m not going to tell you. Now you’re sitting there saying, “Boy, what a boring, stubborn, insolent person.” But hey, I need a hook right? My story isn’t so interesting as to maintain your attention all the way through, so if you’re loyal then I will reward you with my name. Now I know I’ve got you and you will listen. But first I need you to promise something. Promise you won’t judge me. Okay? Okay.4

II. TICK TOCK5

Tick Tock the beating of the clock. Every minute as painful as the next hour sixty times over. Time was never my friend, but then again I had plenty of other friends, I don’t need you or time or anyone else, damnit. Now I bet you want me to tell you why the hell time was never my friend, eh? Well too fucking bad, I’ll tell you what I want and when and where and, and you can’t do a goddam thing about it!6

III. LO SIENTO7

No. Yes. No, yes yes no YES NO! Oh god damn you. I can’t take you anymore. I am going to sit here knifing my arm for a year if I goddamn please.8

Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to scare you so soon, I usually wait until you’ve known me for longer. I mean come now, you don’t even know my name yet. But I suppose it is your decision to listen. As long as we’re on the subject, we might as well get this part out of the way; there is going to be some disturbing content so if you have heart problems, low or high blood pressure, or any kind of psychological imbalance I entice you to stop now. I would also like to apologize in advance for any potentially offensive material in my story, for real life is often too real for real people.9

IV. DIAGNOSIS10

I guess you’ll want to know how They diagnosed me, eh? Yea I figured, everyone wants to know that. Most people ‘cause they don’t trust me to tell the truth, or ‘cause they think I don’t know the truth; which is absolutely ridic, I mean who better to know me than me? Yea I think those kids are a bit high on themselves. But you, I think you may be different. Maybe you want to know just out of curiosity? Well I sure hope so. Either way, here it is:11

Name: Not disclosed      Parents Names: Unknown12

Birthdate: 12/25/1987      Siblings: 1 (Brother, 21, 13

Occupation: Student student)14

Marital Status: Single15

Diagnosis: Patient has suicidal tendencies. This may be due to a variety of different reasons, including but not limited to: abuse/ neglect from parents, deaths/ suicides of close friends, and low self-esteem.16

Observations: Patient becomes agitated for little or no reason; constantly harms herself; continues self-abusive behavior even through talk therapy and medical treatment.17

So there you have it. My very own diagnosis. But you get something the rest of them don’t; you get me. You have the opportunity to hear my side of the story, my defense. Remember, you promised not to judge me.18

V. LIVE AND LET LIVE19

Okay so picture this: a 15-year-old girl, happy, free, and abused. I won’t go into the abused part too much, I mean who the hell wants to sit here and listen to some kid complain about how absolutely terrible their life is? Not me. But yea, bottom line? Pops was a drunk, mum was a gossip queen stuck in a mid-life crisis, and bro? well he’s a whole different story. Bro was the kind of kid who was always right and knew it. The kind of kid you would just want to like you no matter what. A practical and realistic kind of kid, but totally cool without trying. Alright, enough about them. Move on, shall we?20

Friends. Totally awesome. Enough said.21

Yea so They sent me to shrinks and They gave me drugs but hey! no one’s gunna keep me down. That’s what this is, you see. It’s my way of getting it out there for all the kids like me. Yea I tried killing myself, but hey, it’s my life let me do with it what I want! Live and let live. or not live in this case. Yea that’s what some famous guy said, wise man I’ll tell ya.22

PART II23

VI. THE SECOND BEGINNING, STILL WITHOUT A NAME24

Now as you listen you may be thinking, “There is no plot here, just the ravings of a maddman,” and you would think so rightly. All I’ve told you is some background info, only some of which really matters. So here is where I shall start my story, but I must warn you, it’s not very interesting.25

Before I begin we must address a little matter; it is to do with your previous thought: “There is no plot here, just the ravings of a madman.” We must get something straight and keep it straight, I am not mad. And so, without further ado, My Story.26

I suppose I should begin with my childhood, but ya know what? I don’t really want to, so we’re gunna do that real fast.27

I was born and raised in the middle of nowhere, a.k.a. Jarroldville, AR. Yea, I figured you’d never had heard of it. It’s on this crazy island, Small Island (yea they’re real good with coming up with names, could they be any less creative?). So for all my schooling I went to Jarroldville High, the shittiest little school around. While there, I had a lot of friends, and a lot of fun. That’s pretty much all you need to know about that aspect of my life. Exciting, eh?28

VII. THE END (not really)29

Let’s skip forward into how I got my ass landed here. Okay so I’m just minding my own goddam business, sleeping through another boring math class, when I get called to the guidance office. So I walk in there or whatever, and there’s my “friend”, we’ll call her mary, and my other friend, let’s call her Sally.30

Okay so Mr. Shrink is like you’re suicidal and I called you’re parents and your father was intoxicated (surprise, surprise) and your mother didn’t care (another surprise). So I was like ok, that’s nice. And he was like I’m putting you away because I hate you and I want you to be miserable for the rest of your god forsaken life! And that’s it. The End.31

VIII. NOT THE END32

Okay that’s not the end. There’s more. A lot more.33

IX. FINAL FAREWELL34

All right so I get put away in here. And They start throwing all these crazy psych terms at me, all of which I was very familiar with being interested in the field myself. So as They analyze me I start givin’ ‘em a taste of Their own medicine. Needless to say, it didn’t agree with Them.35

Now up until this point I had been very cooperative, real helpful and talkative. But then They made Their mistake. The mistake that would force me to become a self-hating, unhappy shell of a human being (although not insane!). They judged me. So maybe now you can see why I insisted you make the promise you did at the beginning of My Story.36

They got all pissy when I analyzed Them and so in retaliation They decided to write my diagnosis upon having talked with me for no more than 15 minutes (20 tops). And so I’m stuck here in good ole John J. Jerrintado Memorial Hospital, Psychiatric Wing, Room 21CK, TX for the rest of my god forsaken life.37

Before this, I had reason to live (my wonderful, fabulous friends) but now what have I? a bed and some doctors? Doesn’t sound worth it to me. And on that note I think I’ll take this into my own hands. GOOD-BYE CRUEL WORLD!38

X. A POETIC SUICIDE39

Ahhhh! The bullet rips through my heart as that girl did so long ago; as my parents did every time they took my innocence away! And as I pick this rose, I bleed, the thorns, they are thick and sharp, the pain is crisp and clear, the scars, they will never heal. It’s comforting, poetic even. A Poetic Suicide. That’s what They will call my death. A Poetic Suicide. And as I lie here in wait, my pen is my rifle, and my words my ammo, so take fair warning, my friends, for this is not mine alone, it is a disease creeping into the youth of America. Save yourself, go now, feel the touch of those you love, taste the tender kiss of the one you cherish, and whatever you do, remember, remember me.40

PART III41

XI. A NAMELESS NEW BEGINNING42

Peace. That’s what I wished for and that’s what I got. Oh beauty and serenity are finally mine! The pains in life are no longer my worry or responsibility. This here is the beginning of the rest of eternity, and you, you are my trusty side-kick. You have helped me through this difficult time; I would never be where I am today if it wasn’t for you. So thank you, thank you ever so much for staying with me. Don’t worry, the reward of my name is soon, I promise you that, very soon. But first, you will want to hear about the service and that I can easily provide for you.43

XII. PEACE OR JOY?44

It was Christmas Eve. The Reverend and all the Others were dressed in black from head to toe. It was dark where I was, very dark; but I could hear them talking and Oh what a glorious service it was! I heard my little sister exclaim, “Snow! It’s snowing just for her!” And right she was; I love the snow. The cold, pure, cleanliness of it; it washes away your sins and the sins you have not yet committed. Oh to just see it one more time. What’s more important? Eternal Peace or the Simple Joys? I’ll never know I suppose.45

As the snow fell outside the teardrops fell on my roof like rain, a cool, warm, midsummer rain; the kind of rain you sit on your porch watching for hours with someone you care about. And as I listen to this rain and hear these voices, I can picture each and every one of these faces ever so clearly. And with their faces I remember the good times I had with each one of them. But these times are over. Done. Move on, shall we?46