Exchange Places

He’s dead. That’s just the problem. Death frightens me in some ways, but in others, I’m fascinated by it. I’m not emo or anything. It’s not dying that I’m interested, it’s exactly where the energy within you goes. How can it be that one moment you are alive, the next you aren’t? It’s too simple. There’s no in-between. Which is what made me think there must be something. Energy cannot be destroyed, so his energy must have gone somewhere. I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, so that means the energy must be… around still. And if it is… maybe I can find a way to bring it back to him.1

I realise from this, I might have mislead you a little. I think I might have given you the impression that I knew him. I didn’t know him, I never even met him. All I know of him is the occasional contact we have now, mostly through my friend, the one who knew him. He’s still around you see, hanging about. I suppose you could call him a ghost, but he isn’t like a silvery form, or a white sheet or anything. I think he’s just there. It’s hard to tell though, because I don’t see him. But I have a reason to be interested in him.2

See, he was Glaw’s best friend. This was before I knew her, which is why I never met him. But he died. I won’t go into how. It wasn’t pleasant. He died. She blamed herself. My dear Glaw, she couldn’t see it any other way. She’s so strong, and so perfect, I feel a need to be near her. Every day that passed, I tried to be there when she was sad, to give her what she needed. I wanted her to take all I had, to make her whole and happy once again. More than anything, I tried to be like him, to be what she lost. But I never knew him, so I was attempting the impossible. And if I used his expressions, his phrases, I was worried I might upset her all the more. She didn’t need that. I knew I’d let her down at times, but I always tried to make it up to her. And I made a promise to her. A promise that I am going to keep, whatever happens. I promised I would look after her and make things right. And that’s what I’ll do. Now I have a way. I found the missing link, and I know what I have to do.3

Last night, I was up late, finishing another present for her. I must have given her a thousand notes telling her I love her and that I’m always going to listen when she needs me. I never know if they help. But if they do, a thousand hours for a minute of happiness is worth it. I’m not trying to sound noble or anything, I’m just trying to show how I feel. Anyway. I was tired, but I didn’t feel like sleeping. Everyone else, my mum and my two brothers, had gone to sleep hours ago, so I had the house to myself. I was bored, and I did something I shouldn’t have. I’m not sorry though. Well, I went up to the attics and opened my dead granddad’s old trunk. He was a scientist, but he died when my mum was little. I can’t explain why I opened it, I just felt somehow drawn to it. I thought it might be important. I wondered if I might find something I could add to the present, to make it extra special.4

It was all full of dust and cobwebs, which was hardly surprising, since our whole attic looked pretty much that way. At first glance, it actually looked unexpectedly interesting. I’m not big on science, but the neat diagrams in coloured inks and the amazing sketches caught my eye. I lifted a few of the papers out and that was when I noticed it. A small book, brown leather, bound with black, which merely read ‘Soul of a child.’ Without thinking, I put back the diagrams I had originally picked up, and pocketed the little book.5

When I was back in my room, I ran my fingers over the cover for some time before opening it. Inside were neat notes in small writing, and amazing little pictures, most of them no bigger than my thumbnail. I had to tilt it towards the lamp to read, since my room was dark. But as I read that cramped writing, containing the secrets from two generations ago, my heart began to beat faster and I had to push my glasses further up my nose. I forgot about school, I forgot about sleeping, I forgot everything except Glaw and what I could do for her.6

My room was flooded with pink dawn-light by the time I turned the last delicate page. My eyes were sore and stiff, but I had never felt more hopeful. My eyes focussed on the last few lines. “To return a soul to a body, one must take it’s place in the air. This rule cannot be cheated, nor looped. It is final.”7

My excitement faded slightly. I dropped the book onto my desk and got to my feet, pacing over to the window. I could bring him back. I could give her him back. But I had to make an exchange. A bargain, if you wanted to see it that way. Another soul, in place of his. The only exchange that could be accepted. I settled on my window-seat and watched the sun rise for nearly an hour before a slow smile eventually moved my lips. An exchange…8

It took me weeks. I couldn’t let her know what I was doing. So I had too keep things normal, always being on my computer, talking to her on IM from the moment I got in from school till ten thirty, when she’d leave to go to bed. I don’t think she often slept. I know she had nightmares. I wanted to help. And finally, finally, I found a way.9

The hardest part was finding out where he was buried. I didn’t want to upset Glaw by asking, so I decided it would have to be done when I knew she could recover. When I knew she would recover, because she would have him.10

So, on Saturday morning, I set my alarm early. Six. I needed to be out of the house before anyone else woke. And it was quite a walk to Glaw’s house. I often wished I lived nearer so I could go round if I thought things were getting bad. But now I didn’t have to worry about that. I found myself smiling at the bright morning as I walked, humming my favourite songs, even murmuring the lyrics under my breath at times. It was weird. I didn’t feel scared. I knew what I was going to do, and somehow it felt right. There was no other way to look on the situation.11

I arrived too early for Glaw. I knew she’d be doing her paper round soon , so I bought a galaxy bar from the garage and nibbled on it while I waited. It was odd to think this would probably be the last thing I ever ate. Glaw appeared before long, carrying her large bag, almost empty. I had deliberately picked a spot very late on in her round so she’d only have a few left. “Addie?” she said in confusion, as her blue eyes fell on me.12

“Hey Glaw.”13

“Is something up? What you doing over this way?”14

“I came to see you. There’s something I need you to do for me.”15

She looked surprised, but set her bag on the ground. “Yeah?” she asked. Always ready to help. My dear, dear Glaw. All I could think of for a moment was just how much I loved her, and how much she deserved her best friend back. With difficulty, I dragged my mind away from this, and looped an arm through hers. “Listen. I know this might sound odd, and I don’t want to hurt you, but…” I took a deep breath. “I need you to show me the place where he was buried.”16

I felt her tense against me, and her feeling changed immediately. “Addie, I… I’m really sorry, but it’s kind of… special to me…”17

I pulled her into a hug. “Please Glaw. Do this one thing for me. Please.” In my thoughts I silently added ‘it’s the last thing I will ever ask you to do for me.’18

She drew back from the hug after a few seconds. I didn’t want to let go. I was fully aware this might be the last time I could ever hold her in my arms like that. But I didn’t want her to get too suspicious, so I smiled and linked our arms again. Her face was now calm and composed. Without speaking, she lead me through the willow groves. We came to a crumbling wall, and entered through a small kissing gate.19

The grass was long and slightly overgrown, brushing the edges of the stone path with tendrils of light green. Ivy scrambled up the sides of a small church, in long swaying strands of dark etched leaves. The area had a touch of silence and perhaps even a breath of magic about it. What better place than here to bring back the dead and to make the exchange? And for myself, I was also glad. If I could choose a place in which to leave this world, it would be a place as beautiful and mystical as the one I was standing in.20

Glaw didn’t pause for long. She took my arm and led me over the winding paths, through the peaceful gravestones, to the left of the church. Everywhere was a sense of peace, resting like a layer of settled snow. It was unlike everything I’d ever known.21

I knew we’d reached his gravestone before I saw it, because suddenly the air took on a buzzing vibration. I knew from my granddad’s notes, this was a soul that was not at rest. The easiest kind of soul to return was this sort. Others could be persuaded, but unrestful ones would often leap at a chance to return. And he was unrestful. He knew where he belonged, and it wasn’t where he was now. I could almost hear him begging to be released from his sleep and brought back to Glaw. And I was going to do it. I glanced at Glaw. She had slid her arm from mine and was walking a few feet in front, her chocolate hair blowing out behind her in the wind. Her green eyes looked miserable and tense, and I longed to tell her it would be ok. I would make it ok.22

We reached the stone. His name was engraved in the marble, and beneath was the rhyme Glaw had written for him. My eyes traced the smooth script, and I hoped that maybe she’d write something as beautiful for me. Red tulips lay on the grave, damp with the dew. I turned back to look at her.23

She was standing a little back from me, her hair blowing in the wind and her face held firm in her mask. I got to my feet and walked over and hugged her tight.24

“Addie? What’s wrong?” she asked, confused. I felt like my heart was tearing with love, but I let go and turned back to the grave. “Nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to show you I care.” I mumbled. I couldn’t look at her. I took the little book from my pocket, keeping it cupped in my hand so she wouldn’t see, and began to chant the verses of Dead Language. Even as the first word left my lips I felt the air change, as all the spirits listened, to hear who I might be calling for. It seemed that I was standing in front of a thousand spectators, all waiting to hear what I had to say, and somewhere out of sight, a judge listened to me also, weighing my plea and considering my bargain. I found my voice stumbling on the verses I had practiced so many times in the quiet of my bedroom, and I could hear the falter. The intense silence lessened, as though I was losing the interest of my audience. I made my voice stronger, speaking louder and more firmly, putting as much rhythm and power behind my words as I could. The silence returned.25

I found my voice growing even clearer as the loose sounds flowed from my lips, vibrating in the still air and making it ring with a musical surge of reverberation. Then, abruptly, it died. I waited three tense, hovering seconds before calling out his name once. A pain erupted in my chest and I glanced down to see blood streaming from my shirt and pouring down. Unable to help myself, I spun around and caught Glaw in my arms, clinging to her tightly and sobbing into her shoulder. She hugged me back, as tight as she could, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Oh Addie,” she wept into my hair. “My Addie. Thank you. Thank you so much. I don’t know how to…”26

I couldn’t stop her words, though I wanted to tell her it was ok. I was crying too hard. So I did the only thing I could and tightened my arms around her. I turned my face towards her, but I couldn’t seem to feel her anymore. I opened my eyes slowly. I was no longer standing beside Glaw, no longer hugging her. He had taken my place, as full and solid and real as I had been just moments before. She was sobbing into his shoulder now, and he was rubbing her back. “It’s alright. Don’t cry.” he whispered, as I had always imagined he would. She looked up at him, her eyelashes spiked with tears. “But she did it for me.” she said shakily, before another wave of crying overwhelmed her and she fell back against his chest. “She loves you.” he whispered. I moved nearer, feeling oddly detached from anything. I couldn’t help myself. I came up beside them and put my arms around both of them. Glaw picked up her head and looked in my direction. “Addie?” she whispered. “Oh Addie. Thank you. Thank you for everything. You really are my soul sister. I love you back.”27

I gazed at her, glowing all over. I had never felt such happiness within me. After some time, he took her hand and they walked away through the willow groves, his arm tight around her, as it should be. And I was happy for them. Because they both knew I was still here. They both spoke of me in the present tense. I was still me, still Addie. I had just… departed.