I sat there outside in the cold. The rain came down on the tented veranda, bouncing off the high areas and pooling near the lower ones. A gust came up blowing the top tent and sending a torrent of salty brine onto the patio below. My spine tingled from the coolness of the raindrops blown to my clothes. Yet the air felt fantastic on my face—cool and refreshing. It was nearly midnight. The creases of my brow deepened and my lips drooped slightly. My body shivered. The lightning was beautiful beyond the trees and against the clouds.1
“Hello,” I said, for it seemed an almost-right thing to do. But I did not expect an answer. It was low, yet loud, like a whisper said close to your ear. I looked at the rain, at the veranda, the trees to the side—but I saw no one. Then I looked left. In a sitting position, next to me on apparently nothing, was the form of a man. It looked grey in the darkness, though it would have been white in the light. There were no defined features to its face—no muscular shadows to its body.2
Staring at my visitor for a few moments, running the back of my thumb against my lips, I asked, “Are you early?”3
"How many times have you watched the rain?" it said in its loud whisper, twisting towards me.4
I swallowed. “Every time.”5
"Every time?"6
“Yes.” I rubbed my forehead.7
"Why?"8
The rain continued to fall on my clothes and skin.9
"Because it gives me peace," I said slowly. "Usually, the sun is always beating down on me. It's so uncomfortable—terrible. But the rain, it’s so relaxing."10
“Do you know why it is relaxing?”11
I thought of the rain’s opposite—the bright, unchanging days—and said, “because it’s not the same.”12
“Summer is the worst of seasons,” the shade said. "That’s why so many areas have monsoons; the rain is when so many leave,” he said quietly.13
“What do you mean?”14
It leaned forward, crossing its fingers. “It’s raining now, isn’t it?”15
I blinked and looked down to the patio. “So you take us when it rains.”16
“I usually try to,” he said. “Sometimes an individual’s circumstances require me to come early.” He looked towards me again and nodded, “I’m on time for you.”17
“Yeah, so you like to wait for the dark, scary rainy season.” I smiled a bit, lopsided, but he didn’t react. My eyes held their sadness. “I’m almost gone, aren’t I?”18
Its head bobbed up and down. “You’re ready.”19
“I know.” I glanced down to the patio below my chair. There, among the stone tiles, the rain pooled, hopping with the liquid bullets that struck it. My lips drooped a little farther and my eyelids felt heavier. “The sun’s been too harsh lately.”20
“That’s why it’s raining,” he said.21
In a list
A contest entry
- Short Stories worth publishing in a book! by zoralielda.
100 points, ended July 21, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - your best stories, please (topics available) by Rhonin.
325 points, ended August 5, 16 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Pack a punch!! by Kirin.
275 points, ended October 9, 19 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
-
Got the mood
The tone and feeling of this is good. The language is not too bad, but needs some adjustment of punctuation and tense, e.g. in p1 should be "where I had jumped" if he had already done it, and if you mean that he jumped just then, it would be better to end the sentence at below, then "I jumped."
It is not altogether clear what you are intending the reader to understand of your character's actions. Also it would help to give us more of his personality, so we can relate to him more.
. Rewarded 8
-
Brilliant narration! I could feel the loneliness to my bones. The thing about monsoons and people leaving during rain confused me a bit but, a wonderful and dark piece. Thanks for entering!!
-
Wow. This is great. I love how everything is explained by a character who feels above it all. I would like to know who killed John, the angel or himself. But other then that, it's great.
-
Briliant!
Very unique, But Very good! makes you think, if you put this style of writing and discription into a book, it would definatly sell. I'd buy it!
-
this is very unique,
as is your style of writing.
very very good,
made me think!
thats so much for entering and good luck! -
Most of the things are already said.
But again, your imagery is good. Very good infact. Your description is awesome. And what I am starting to like about your stories is that it has a deeper meaning.
Very good.
Cheers
-
wonderful
This was very good. The imagery only added to its appeal, and made it all the more enjoyable. Thanks so much for entering and sharing this. It was wonderful to read! D.
-
wow
this was a very good read
even in the midst of sadness, when you know your life is about to come to an end, there's this serenity you've portrayed, and it's very...deep.
very awesome story.
-
wonderful story, absolutely brilliant. even with a dark, stormy setting you seem to have found a way to portray a calm, peaceful acceptance of death amid the chaos of the surroundings. brilliant read and wonderful topic.
-
awesomely descripted... it reminds me of the monsoons in Arizona. It makes me miss my hometown there This was a great story of emotion... u r going somewhere in life.
-
You want to know what I think?
I think it's beautiful.
Awesome and so sad.
A big Wow!
-
Wow. Just uh... That was really really really awesome & sad.
-
This is amazing. Suchy an incredibly written story. You have an amazing with words. Great job!
-
I love this. Very good job. You've proven that a short read can be a very very good one. This is definitely publishable. Props$Kudos
-
Wow. Very dramatic, I'd say. It's a chilling premise, but written in a way that's just mesmerizing, not scary. I mean, the imagery was wonderful and truly captivating, but this idea just blew my mind more than anything else. It really gets me to thinking, I'll say. Wow. Great one. =]
-Sarah.
P.S. Your grammar and lack of errors made me EXCEEDINGLY happy. I love grammar.
-
wooow really good work. nice imagery and dialogue. it really caught my attention i feel this story has great potential.
-
Very good imagery and writing. It was a thoughtful piece and left you thinking more about what the rain really is. Your writing was very well written and the briefness of it seemed to enhance the piece altogether. Great job.
-
I like how you turned reality upside down. When I started reading I thought I was going to be experiencing a romanitc style reminisance but it turned into a kind of revelationary horror story. Also, the story's briefness enhances the message - a short sharp realisation which is designed to stick in the mind. I like what you've done but would suggest rewriting the first paragraph, I think the some of the descriptions are a little unclear and could do with re-thinking. Thanks for writing!
-
Your descriptions were fantasic. I love the rain myself, but never looked at it quite like this.
Good lock in the contests. I really think you deserve a Gold
Brooke
-
That was fantastic. Very sad, but in an intriguing kind of way. The descrpitions are great, as well.
Thanks for entering!
-
Oh God!.... If that got any awesomer.... I would be.... Don. don.don.... Dead!
-
it added its self twice
-
Very good.
It was gripping and well writen :-)
Short and sweet.
-
wow! short, sharp and to the point. amazing and very gripping. i really liked reading this. my favourite line: "It was low, yet loud…like a whisper said close to your ear." I dont know why i like this so much, it's just got something strong about it. The only mistake i could come up with was "striked" in paragraph 16. not sure this is right grammar, but i can't work out what it should be, and maybe it's correct. plz dont be offended if you're right and i'm wrong. thanx for the amazing story, i love your writing style. it's very fluent and powerful. XD
. Rewarded 8
-
Oooooh. (This was literally what I said at the end of this story.)
How great this was!
I really liked the juxtaposition of the sun and the rain. How rain is soothing and the sun is harsh. I feel the same way many a time.
And the Angel of Death coming for him...how...how...morbidly delicious! it was great!
Awesome job!
-
WOW. This. Was. Amazing. There was emotion dripping from every word, and the last line? Sheer genius!
Beautiful piece. It really brings out the despair so many feel.
. Rewarded 4
-
ANDREW!
I cannot put this into words, but I can always try. It was so deep and dark. It made me wonder for the umpteenth time exactly what death would be like. It was FANTASTIC! As always!
-
Woah, that was really, really good. I did have to read it a couple times, though. Amazing write. = )
-
dang
i admit i had to read it twice to understand it butimgald i did because i LOVED IT
lol
so good lukc in the contest
Adding your comment:
1 - 29 of 29
