An Irish Dancer's Fire

“You’re self-centered, cruel, and merciless. I can’t believe you can so easily kill me inside, and without a good reason.”1

“Jeff, please—“2

“Please? What am I supposed to do?” He stopped, and I could hear him struggling not to break down. “How could you be so heartless? How could you just rip my heart out and serve it to me on a silver platter?”3

“Jeff,” I said softly. “That was the very thing I wanted NEVER to do. I want you to know, I didn't mean it... I don’t like hurting people, especially you….”4

He was silent for only a moment. “To answer your earlier question, I don’t think we can still be friends after this. I love you, Katie. I think it would hurt me way too much to see you every day, knowing that you left me.”5

“I haven’t left you,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’ll always be there for you, you know that. You know that, don’t you? You know I still care about you.”6

“I guess.”7

I was stunned. “You… guess?” I asked in disbelief.8

He didn’t answer.9

Barely holding back tears, I managed to choke out, “Goodbye, Jeff. I’m sorry that I broke your heart, but you know what? Mine’s not broken by anything you just said… because I know that I might be self-centered, cruel, and merciless”—I started sobbing—“but I never, ever, meant to hurt you. Goodbye.”10

“Goodbye…,” I heard softly through the phone.11

The minute I hung up the phone, I started crying. It was painful; I hadn’t actually cried in years. But here I was, shaking like a porcelain vase during an earthquake.12

I curled up in the corner of my bedroom and wept.13

The next day was terrible. I spent the entire thirteen hours I was awake lying in different locations and positions on the carpet, listening to depressing songs on my MP3 player. I felt completely and utterly numb, except for the painful weight in my chest.14

“Katie?” My mother’s voice came from the other side of the closed door. “Katie, are you feeling okay?”15

“No,” I mumbled.16

“Are you sick?”17

“No.”18

At that, she opened the door and walked in. “Well, why—sweetie, why are you on the floor?”19

“It’s the only place I feel like I belong,” I said, my voice emotionless.20

Mom stood there for a moment, as though she were uncertain as to how my answer should be responded to. Then, to my surprise, she plopped down beside me and stretched out on the floor.21

“What happened to you, Katie?” she asked, her eyes full of concern.22

I paused my MP3 player and sighed. “Too much.”23

“Did Jeff hurt you?” 24

I felt tears welling up at the sound of his name. I sniffed and blinked them away. “Yes.”25

“Did he break up with you?” she persisted.26

“No.” I could feel the tears still coming. Was there no way to stop them? “I broke up with him.”27

My mother nodded. “I had a feeling this was going to happen.”28

“What?”29

“I could tell, from the day that he asked you out, that there was something wrong. That you weren’t completely happy. In fact, you seemed to have preferred having Jeff only as a best friend. You guys were a great team for two years before this.”30

“I miss that.”31

“But that wasn’t enough for him.” It wasn’t a question.32

“He said he loved me,” I whispered.33

“Everyone loves you, sweetheart,” Mom said, patting my arm. 34

“He said I broke his heart.” As I said it, I began crying again. 35

“You didn’t break his heart, honey. I think you love him more than he loves you, and there’s nothing you can do to really hurt anyone. I’m just glad that you were smart enough to realize that you two just weren’t meant to be.” She squeezed my hand. “And if he hurt you, it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t love you nearly enough. He didn’t TOUCH you, though, right?”36

I shook my head.37

“Okay. Well, I think it’s time to eat something. What do you say?” she asked. 38

“I love you, Mom,” I said softly. 39

“I love you, too. Oh, and I arranged your private lessons for tomorrow,” she added.40

I groaned. “I have to dance tomorrow?” 41

“Yes. I think it’ll help you feel better.”42

“Ugh.” I rolled over on my stomach and hid my face in my arms. “I don’t want to,” I complained.43

Mom just laughed. 44

/*/*/*/*/*45

“Hey.” 46

“Hey….” 47

“Look, I know this is kinda awkward right now, but I wanted to apologize.” Jeff paused, and I heard him take a deep breath. “I didn’t mean what I said… about you being self-centered… or cruel… or merciless. You didn’t deserve that. None of it is true.”48

“You didn’t seem to have that opinion yesterday,” I said quietly.49

“I wasn’t thinking straight. I mean, I’ve known you for two years, and I know for a fact that you’re the most wonderful, genuine person I know. But… Katie, why? Why did you leave?”50

“That’s personal.”51

“Katie, this is me.” He laughed disbelievingly. “We don’t keep secrets from each other. Why are you hiding things now?”52

“Because,” I said firmly. “Because if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have called me those awful things in the first place. I have never said anything hurtful like that to you, and just because I want us to go back to being best friends, you say that?”53

“Katie, I wasn’t thinking,” he insisted.54

“Clearly!”55

“I want you back.”56

“Oh, do you now?” My sarcasm felt good. It was wonderful to have emotion again, even if it was my most hated kind. “You know, I really do still want to be friends. But I am NOT going back on my decision. I don’t want to be trapped again. This isn’t the first time you’ve hurt me, Jeff.”57

“I hurt YOU? Why didn’t you say anything?”58

I took a deep breath. “Because so long as I said nothing, you thought you were free to act as yourself. This way, I got to see the real you.”59

“I can’t believe this.” I heard something slam in the background. “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”60

“Not to me,” I replied. “Goodbye.”61

This time, I didn’t wait for him to say it.62

I dropped the phone into its cradle and left the room, slinging my dance bag over my shoulder. The contents of that bag were large parts of my life, and I loved what I did… no matter what Jeff thought.63

/*/*/*/*/*64

“Have you practiced since the last private lesson we had?” asked Shannon as she put in the CD.65

I sighed. “No, Shannon, I haven’t.”66

She turned to look at me. “Katie,” she began, “I don’t mean to be a complete ass, but if you don’t practice, then there is absolutely no point in having another private lesson.”67

I nodded, ashamed. “I know. And I feel really bad about it, but things have been crazy lately, a lot of drama….”68

“When I was in high school, I had a lot of the same trouble. I cared more about going out with my friends than practicing—but Joe said, ‘What is it that you really want? Do you want to be able to dance in the All-Irelands or the World Championships, or do you want to goof off with your friends?’ I figured out which goal was more important, Katie. And let me tell you, I worked for it. If someone had a problem with that, I no longer associated myself with them. It’s not worth hanging out with someone who doesn’t accept who you are.”69

I nodded.70

Sighing, Shannon said, “All right. I guess we can just look over your dances and see if there’s anything we can do. Just remember that you’re the exact same dancer you were the last time I saw you, and you haven’t changed. THAT needs to change.”71

“Okay.”72

She started up the music, and I warmed up. 73

“You do Reel and Hornpipe, right?” she asked.74

“Yeah.”75

“’Kay. Reel first, then.”76

I got into position. One, two, three, four, point on five, six, seven, up on eight… and I flew across the stage.77

But not far enough.78

“Get to the corner. Start again.”79

Over and over and over, I did that same piece. Not once did I reach the corner.80

Frustrated, I returned again to the starting place.81

“Extend your legs. Your body has been doing this step for a long time; it knows what it’s doing. Let go. Let your body do what it does. Don’t think about it!”82

I readied myself. I pushed every thought out of my mind: high jumps, watch your arms, cross your feet, point your toes. But I pushed out more thoughts than just the ones about my Irish dancing. I pushed all thoughts of Jeff out of my mind, too.83

“Nice job, Katie.” 84

I looked at where I had ended up.85

The corner. I made it to the corner.86

“This is what I like to call your ‘fire’. It’s a feeling—a feeling of letting go, relaxing, letting your body dance the dance, not just doing it. It makes you powerful, and once you find it, it doesn’t go away. It’s that attitude, that spunk—the one that says, ‘Yeah, bitch, I’m sexy!’ You’ve found your fire, Katie. And you just made my day,” said Shannon, grinning. “How do you feel?”87

I thought about the weight that no longer existed in my chest. I thought about how trapped I had felt when Jeff and I were together. I thought about my fire.88

I had never truly tasted freedom until I had been bound. I had never felt light until I was burdened. I had never found my fire because I hadn’t even known it was there.89

And I knew how I felt. “I finally feel free.”90

Just then, Joe—the founder of my Irish dance school—came into the room.91

“Hey, Joe—guess what?” Shannon was excited. “Katie found her fire.”92

And I knew that so long as I held to my decision with Jeff, that fire would be there to stay.93

/*/*/*/*/*94

“Katie?”95

“Yes.”96

“It’s Jeff.”97

“I know.”98

He hesitated. “Look… I just need to know something.”99

“What?”100

“Are you finding it… easy… to get over me?”101

“It’s never easy to get over a lost friendship,” I said.102

“That’s not what I meant.”103

“I thought my answer covered it nicely, actually.”104

“Katie,” Jeff said, sounding quite annoyed, “are you happier now that you’ve left me?”105

I frowned, even though he couldn’t see it over the phone. “I. Never. Left you. I wanted to stay friends. I wanted to be free—free of the trapped, cornered feeling that you gave me. And now that it’s gone, yes, I’m happier.”106

“What did I ever do to deserve this?”107

“I’m afraid you’re the only one who can answer that, Jeff. I have to go now; I’ll talk to you later.”108

“Are you sure you’re going to have free time, with all the dancing you do?” Oh, so now he was sulking.109

“Probably not. But you know what? I’m okay with that. I just found my fire, and I won’t let you be the reason I lose it.”110

“What the hell are you talking about?”111

I smiled. “It’s an Irish dancer thing. You wouldn’t understand.”112

And, for the last time that summer, I said goodbye to my ex-boyfriend.113