Crawling to Jehovah

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Up until now, I am not sure I have ever heard the voice of God. What I interpreted as the voice of God were really vindictive voices of organized crime. The mob known as the church.2

Not any particular church, but the whole brightly colored package that Christianity comes in. So many books with steps, and denominations formed on pillars of opinion. "Christian" songs, Jesus fish on old Cavaliers, "WWJD" bracelts, all of it reflects a cultural fad. 3

The truth is numbed and dulled by 18 year olds talking about oral sex and orgasm while wearing a church camp t-shirt. Or 15 year old claimng their church is better than the other church while simultaneously making fun of the lonely kid in the corner.4

Better yet, preachers preaching sermons with 3 easy steps to peace, or 5 rhyming steps to salvation, spouting out catchphrases and lines from old hymns. When trials come, people aren't prepared and then blame this God who was supposed to spare them any pain because they said the magic prayer...5

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That is what I knew about Christ. I say that because I lived the life of drugs, alcohol, suicide, going to church, needy, desperate for some sign, but being pushed away because my Adidas only had 2 stripes. I gave up. I was too poor, I wasn't able to be loved by the God they claimed so I quit.7

I went to a camp in 2002 when I was 16. I felt loved. I felt hope. I gave my life to Christ and went to church and changed. I did what I laughed at people for. I lifted my hands to heaven and sang to Jesus Christ. I wept. Not to fit in, but because I was happy.8

After so long I got burned out. Sounds awful...9

... the truth often does...10

I did what I came to know. 11

I did what I hated. I closed myself into this Jesus box and closed others out. I spoke the lingo, I lived the life. (Much like a cult.)12

The whole time I was into porn. Secretly, of course. How could I tell anyone? I would be forced to be honest...13

I got onto a soapbox about sex, drugs, music, all the basic issues a "good Christian" should hate. I looked down on the people who knew no better then offered them no hope, only cold stares and spiteful whispers.  I did what those people did to me to push me away.14

I didn't know grace... I didn't know mercy.15

I knew laws and traditions. I knew a lie. I knew the lie so well that I lived it.16

The lie was that I somehow had to earn grace, when grace by definition isn't earned, it's given.17

I failed out of college. Bible college. Good thing, too, otherwise I would have been assembled with opinions and rhetoric and packaged in a nice tan suit wuith blue shirt and a yellow necktie.18

I never would have been alone and broken.19

I never would have learned lessons. I wouldn't be learning, now.20

I got kicked out of my house. I am living in a camper in my bosses backyard. I am learning about grace and acceptance and mercy because God is showing it to me in so many ways.21

By the way...22

Grace is being given what we don't deserve.23

Mercy is NOT being given what we DO deserve.24