The Guilt

Walking down the row of accusing faces was the worst feeling in the world. They knew I did it and they all hated me for it. But they don't know anything, how could they know the story as to why. But I have to tell the story to someone, that's why I'm telling it to you.1

I had to do it; it was my own best friend who wanted it done. The mother of Shalim who does not even want to see my face now! He hates me. But will somebody try and understand? Will somebody put their self in my shoes? For once, will somebody not judge just by what he other person has told them?2

What will you do when your best friend asks you for a favor? A friend who has never left your side, done everything for you? Who treats you like a sister and adores you like a mother?3

Yes, I was the one who mailed the letter to Ali that morning. It was in my handwriting and had my signature. It was stamped from the post office near my house. I accept all the charges. The reason: Ali’s own wife and my best friend Sheila. 4

Ali and Sheila had been married for 3 years. They had a 1 year old son, Shalim. Their marriage seems like a fairytale. It wasn’t love at first sight; it wasn’t even eloping for love. In fact, the first time they laid eyes on each other was on the day they were getting married. Both had been heartbroken and had left the task of them getting married on their parents. Fate got them together. And fortunately, their wedding proved to be a union of two like people. Ali and Sheila helped each other in recovering from the previous heartbreak. They learned once again to love, trust, and sacrifice and enjoy the person with them. But fate had other plans for them.5

Just after the birth of the first baby boy, Ali and Sheila decided that they were ready for a second one. Soon after she conceived the baby, Sheila started noticing loss of weight and marks on her body. She got worried and discussed the issue with me. I suggested her to consult a physician and took her along with me. The doctor of the largest hospital in the city of Lahore advised her to take her blood tests immediately. On studying the results, the doctor concluded that she was on the last stage of leukemia!6

Sheila made me promise that I will not tell anyone, not even Ali. I was amazed at her decision but agreed to it and offered all the help that I could give. From then onwards, I saw Sheila socializing even more. Congregating new people, meeting with the old, and to my shocker a good number of the people she met were mature men. Her dress style changed from casual to very formal wear and much more revealing. Her straight long dark brown hair turned shorter to a deep red shade. High heels and lipstick were a brad new fashion for Sheila. It was all too much for me to understand and whenever I tried questioning her about it, she changed the topic. It was an unsaid understood agreement between us not to discuss her growing disease.7

I found myself worrying more often about Ali and Sheila’s relation since they had started looking uncomfortable and distant where ever they were seen together. The latter was a completely new feeling as the couple was termed as inseparable. Four months after the trip to the doctor, I received a call from Ali. To my horror, he was inquiring about Sheila’s whereabouts. I wasn’t too sure on how to answer the question so I tried to reply with a casual tone, “at my place.” Hoping to satisfy Ali enough and making a mental note to talk to Sheila the very next day. I was proved wrong when Ali came barging in through my front door twenty minutes later. That was exactly the time distance between our homes. 8

“Where is she?” he was asking in a thunder voice. 9

I was scared and confused – felt like a little child whose been caught doing a wrong act. 10

“Ali, if you just calm down... “11

“Just tell me where she is!”12

His patience had evaporated and despite me trying to stop him entering further in the house, Ali started looking everywhere.13

“You lied.”14

He was about to lash out at me in anger when somebody screamed from behind us. It was Sheila.15

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Get your filthy hand off my friend, you animal!”16

Instead of communicating with Sheila after this new development, Ali took me by the arm and dragged me towards the kitchen and locked the door behind us. He turned a deaf ear to my constant pleas of release. As he turned around to face me, I was expecting to see a man with blood shot eyes and an inhuman face, instead I saw Ali like I had never before: in agony and pain. A defeated and implored look registered on his face. Barely above a whisper, the only words he said:17

“Why this…?”18

My heart cried out for him I wanted to answer, I wanted to help but what could I have said when I, myself was being pushed in the darkness by Sheila.19

Before I had the time to say anything, Sheila started yelling form behind the closed door.20

“She did it because I told her to, you idiot! Leave her alone! Deal with me or are you trying to seduce her as well?”21

This seemed to bring Ali out of a trance and opening the door he said, “What did you say? Is that all you can think of: seduction and sex? That should’ve been my line seeing the way you’ve been wooing half the men In Lahore! You stay here, the whole night, and the night after and forever. I don’t want you in my life again!”22

With that he left, and probably did not see a shattered Sheila collapse on the couch. 23

“Why Sheila, why are you doing this?” 24

“Do you think it is easy for me? Do you think I want to be unfaithful? You’ve known me since 23 years, do you don’t understand anything I want? I love that man; love him too much to see him suffering again after I die. He will never be unfaithful but I can’t leave him like that. I want Ali to be able to rejoice again, to love again, to live on… w-w-w-without me.”25

I was too touched to say anything so I just provided her my shoulder to cry on. I understood and I was bewildered at the prospect of losing my friend. I was angry at God for being so unfair; to be taking the life of a young woman who had to carry out her dreams, a faithful wife who could think of nothing but her husband’s happiness, a growing mother, who still had to see the happiness and joy her son brought to her with every step he took.26

“How much time left?”I asked hesitantly.27

“Two weeks.”28

“What do you want me to do?”29

And Sheila told me her plan. I was to arrange her meeting with a gentleman from another town, someplace where he would be hard to track down at least for the next two weeks. Then I was to mail Ali and explain to him that Sheila had eloped with this man, who met her with my reference. And that I knew nothing about their plans. Sheila had left me in charge for the child, Shalim, unless he wanted custody.30

Ali received the letter the day he was having a get-together party at his place. He read it and threw it away. He left in a hurry with his car keys, forgetting to pick the pieces of the torn letter. He made it easier for the guests to read it and make a story on their own. 31

Ali died in a car accident the same night, 48kms outside town - drunk driving.32

The town people blamed me for the accident and the eloping of Sheila. Nobody knows Sheila died exactly one week and four days later in a distant town. I was there to attend the funeral with Shalim and I never went back to the town – Never. People in town looked at me with accusing eyes, I could not stand it any longer, and I had to move. 33

I raised Shalim alone, keeping the secret inside me, the pain within me, never once forgetting that Shalim’s parents sacrificed their lives for love. I made sure Shalim never finds a word about this. How will he understand? How could I tell him what had happened? He just knew his parents died in a car accident. I loved him dearly, and could not imagine losing him. He was the only person in my life now.34

But fate as usual does not adhere to our plans and at the age of twenty five, Shalim in search for his roots, went to Lahore and met the people and listened intently to their side of the story. He called me only once after that:35

“You are a murderer. I trusted you. You were my role model! I hate you now!”36

That was all. People think whatever they are doing, their decision and their resolution and commitments are all right- they are right. Maybe in the circumstances they even are, but maybe not in the longer run. Maybe Sheila was wrong form the start. Maybe I was wrong to support her decision. 37

I am telling you all this because I have to tell somebody. Can’t take the burden in my grave, you know. I just hope this article that you’re writing on me, is read by Shalim as well. I’m sorry my son.