Yellow fingers of sunlight dapple lightly upon the night roughened cheek, increasingly confident with every new second of life. His early morning face begins to lose the shadowy blur of the unfocused sleepkissed hours; contours lost in the dreaming are recreated in surprisingly sharp relief as night retreats. 1
A slight murmur of disquiet, perhaps a protestation against the intrusive bringer of consciousness lightly pierces the calm as he stirs, shifts and comes to rest. As the sun devours each passing second, I hear his inhalation riding the lightening minutes.2
Rising, falling, the rhythm grows within him until the shadow of a trapped sigh breaks free. Sinews and muscle push the papyrus flesh, livid against the linen sheet. Traces of experience begin to dance about his shuttered eyes, locked against his dreams. Each breath is a trapped moth fluttering and flickering as he yields to the inevitability of day. 3
Author notes
Think this could be overly written in places but I wrote it as an exercise to describe those blurred moments of first consciousness of watching someone awaken.
Well I've had another try at this - how does it read now?
A contest entry
- You're Prescribed to Describe by heartfullofvenom.
400 points, ended July 6, 20 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is this still over written?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
YES.
It IS "overwritten"...alot. Listen, no question that you possess talent and a skill with language. BUT...be careful about not falling into the trap of overusing the latter, and allowing yourself to lapse into "writerese!" Just tell the story...tell it as if you were speaking to a cherished friend...perhaps one hard of hearing...and one to whom you most sincerely wish to convey a message. Do not let your words and phrases overshadow what it is you wish to say. Ask yourself: Is this the way I would most clearly and simply, directly, say it? Are these conversational words? Sometimes less is more. Some of the most powerful messages in literature are couched in simple language. No need to show off.... It will out. Ask yourself..."could this be a bit...verbose? Affected? Pretentious? If the answer is a possible "yes!"...Try writing it again! Let it be HEARD!
GA
-
Ooh!~
To me, this is just a bit overwritten. BUT! It was very good. The last paragraph stood out ore then the other ones. It was very hard for me to understand it.
But I thought of this, "Someone has woken up, and has their dreams walked away." That is the summary of what I think this passage is. -
laden...
or heavy in some spots with "over-written-ness. Descriptions should dance, light and easy and the reader should be able to fly over them without any need for interpolation of thought. Sometimes too many descriptors bog down the flow. This could easily be lightened up and made more deft. The premise is good, but almost too many points are made. With just a little trimming of excess this could be just right. I've always believed that description is like dancing and the writer is the choreographer with reader as dancer. Too many moves and the reader will trip and fall. Just enough to keep the reader moving without getting him confused is where it's at I've always believed. This is well-written, but could stand to be pared down a tad in spots. Over description asks too much of the reader and the best writing is when the reader flies through it without ever noticing that any effort at reading is taking place. I had to think to realize what was going on here.
For example:
"Yellow fingers of sunlight dapple lightly upon the night roughened cheek, increasingly confident with every new second of life. His early morning face begins to lose the shadowy blur of the unfocused sleepkissed hours; contours lost in the dreaming are recreated in surprisingly sharp relief as night retreats."
What's really happening here? waking up to the sun. When the reader arrives at that conclusion, will all the effort at interpretation have been worth it? Deep desrciption is great when leading to the explication of something fantastic and mind blowing. But waking up? It struck me as anticlimactic. Will the reader feel rewarded for his invested time to comprehend what has been written? This must always be the question when investing our words in description. This all could be pared down to
His sheet creased face warmed to the sun, rays strengthening by the minute as they streamed in to wake him.
Plus, there are some other things going on here that are implied, which was well done.
Perhaps I'm more utilitarian than you'd prefer, but I see description as a means to an end and when it lingers too long it begins to feel like the end to me and the storyline gets lost in the shuffle as the story ebbs, slowed by overdescription. Momentum is a big part of writing and overdescription often cuts into it.
This was good, but could be tightened and trimmed a tad. But well done.
-
I think poetic is a better word
than overwritten because that's how I read this piece. I can feel the poetry in it, yearning to be set free.
Seriously, I could easily see converting this to poetic form, and, as awesome as it is now, it would be ... awesomer.
Very expressive writing. I liked it a lot.
-
Very Good
Maybe a little overly written, but your wording still is very good. When you keep rewriting, you might loose the meaning of what you want to say. But I do like what your trying to portray here.
-
A prose piece? It does seem a bit
over-written. Some points had too
many images flooding my inner
eye, which causes blurring and
disconnection. Simplify it.
The best writings are simple,
clear, and concise.
A few edits, and alterations,
and this will be perfect.
-
It seemed to be a little overwritten in the last paragraph, but I think you could have taken this to another level. I really liked the different words you used, they were very creative like "sleepkissed", very beautiful words.Overall it was a interesting piece to read.
Good Luck!
♥
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
