Redemption

My hands trembled as I anxiously knocked on the familiar old wooden door. I was nervous- no, terrified. What I was about to do still seemed so surreal, even though I'd gone over the words thousands of times in my head. Nothing would ever compare to that treacherous fear that pooled in the pit of my stomach as I silently rehearsed exactly what I would say. Who knew that an apology could be so terrifying?1

I guess I did, though. I should have known that just standing outside of his house would bring back old memories. I should have expected those memories to make the apology that much harder. God help me. I hadn't even uttered those two fearsome words yet and I was already shaking. My body was trembling as I waited for that fateful moment when all that rehearsing would pay off. Not that I was convinced it would. I mean, how exactly does one apologize for what I did?2

I screwed up big time. It wasn't his fault at all that I did it. He'd just been as sweet and wonderful as always. I still blamed myself for doing something so horribly insensitive. I honestly wasn't sure how our whole confrontation, if it even happened, would go. What I'd done wasn't something that could be easily forgiven.3

I hadn't dumped him. Well, not exactly. Technically, I'd done worse. Five years ago, without a word to anyone, I took off. It broke his heart and crushed his hopes in their wake. I think he blamed himself. I guess it kind of makes sense that he'd take responsibility for the whole thing. Even though it wasn't his fault, at the time I took off, he could have easily taken the blame. But he wasn't to blame. It was all me.4

I quivered as I heard footsteps approach the door from inside the ancient blue house. They got louder and louder until a hand reached for the doorknob. The hand slowly, but carefully opened the door. And then a head poked out of the door.5

The moment he saw me, a hundred different emotions flickered across his face at once. Sadness, anger, frustration, joy, and hurt all paraded across his troubled face. He didn't know what to think or feel about the sudden arrival. It was unexpected and neither wanted or unwanted. There was only one way to describe the mixture that settled itself upon his face: confusion.6

"Hi," I said awkwardly, my hands nervously stuffed in my pockets.7

He merely stared at me for a moment before pulling his head back in. He began to close the door.8

"Wait!" I yelped, quickly sticking a small foot in the doorway.9

"What do you want?" he demanded, his ocean eyes darkening.10

"I-I came to apologize," I stammered, my eyes focusing on the faded wooden porch beneath me.11

Hesitation swept across his face. His normally heavenly smile was contorted into an unsure frown. He didn't know what to make of my words. Hell, I didn't even know what to make of my words. I hadn't rehearsed anything past that. I'd always figured he'd just slam the door right in my face. I guess it was true that he was still in love with me.12

"I'm sorry about everything," I muttered quietly. "I guess I shouldn't have run off like that."13

There was an uncomfortable silence. He wasn't speaking, just thinking. He was mulling over the words that I had just spoken as if deciding what to do about them.14

"So, am I forgiven?" I asked, hope lacing itself into my voice.15

Anger flashed into his eyes, a severe ocean storm taking the place of gently crashing waves on a warm, summer day.16

"Forgiven?" he hissed. "Forgiven? How can you expect me to forgive you so easily? You left me without a word to anyone. You left me like I was just some stupid little stray puppy dog that suddenly wasn't so cute anymore. I was fine to stay with for a while, but when things started to get serious, it was okay for you to just up and leave."17

Pain flickered across my face as his harsh words rang true. I'd done that without a second thought. I don't think I'd been thinking at all. I just bolted away from probably the best thing that had ever happened to me.18

"I'm sorry," I said meekly.19

Never before had I been so shy. I'd always been the kind of out there girl that stunned people. I wasn't one to back down and hide. I made people deal with me the way I was or they wouldn't deal with me at all. He used to admire that quality about me. I think that was what first attracted my sweet little Sammy to me.20

"You're sorry?," he sneered.21

A venom I never knew possible seeped into his voice. It was scary to see such a passive man so angry. I guess my little escape brought that out in him.22

"Do you know what you did to me? I was heart broken. I even blamed myself. You ran out on me the day I proposed to you, Lead. The day I proposed! How can you expect two words to make up for five years of pain? How, Leah? How?"23

Tears spilled down my cheeks. I despised crying, but his words were hitting every sore spot I had. I knew I'd brought it on myself, but it still hurt. 24

"I know. I didn't mean it. It just sort of... happened. I hate myself for what I've done, and they all hate me, too. I never meant to abandon you--to ruin our friendship. Is there a chance I can save it somehow?"25

Storm clouds once again flashed in his eyes.26

"I can't believe this. Of course they hate you. Your friends are just as mad at you as me. You left Leah. How can you come waltzing on back expecting things to be the same?" He asked, his voice starting to break.27

Whether it was form anger or impending tears, I did not know, but his voice was weakening. I'd hurt him and everyone around me big time. I guess two words really couldn't atone for such a big mistake.28

"Friendship..." he echoed, the words sounding hollow and empty.29

"Yeah," I said, still not meeting his gaze. "We were, after all, friends first."30

"Leah," he whispered, his voice scratchy and hoarse. "I was in love with you. Actually, I still am. Why do you think I proposed? You were my sky, my sun, and everything in between. I adored you. And now- now- you just want to be friends?"31

A melancholy sigh escaped my lips. I didn't really want to repeat the words I'd told him five years ago. They'd been the last words, I think. I'd said to him before my sudden departure.32

"I'm not in love with you, Sam," I told him, the tears still flowing. "I wasn't then and I'm still not now."33

His heart was breaking all over again as the broken tears slid down his miserable face.34

"Do you want me to go?" I whispered, ready to leave at a moments notice.35

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I need you in my life."36

"Even though I've broken your heart twice, you still want me around?" I asked in stunned disbelief.37

He merely nodded. God, that boy had it bad. He'd been that in love with me back then, too. I guess I should've ended our relationship then before he got so attached. But I was happy with him. I wasn't in love, but I'd been happy. Sam treated me like I was the center of his world. There was nothing I could do wrong. Except leave him without a word to anyone.38

"I'm willing to take friendship," he told me, sinking to the ground.39

I sat down beside him, my arms wrapped around my knees.40

"Maybe, in time, I'll learn to love you," I told him, attempting to soothe his frantic tears.41

He didn't answer. I didn't continue. I couldn't promise him eternal love or even a puppy crush. All I could do was give him a new reason to hope. And maybe I would learn to love him. Maybe I would find a way to fall for such an incredible guy. Maybe the future would bring us a passionate love. Only time would tell.