The apartment was a mess. The smell of gunpowder was heavy in the air, almost like after a fireworks display. My nose burned and I wrinkled it. There was something sad about walking through a dead person’s apartment. It always reminded me of my gramz’s house. My mom and I had the unfortunate job of cleaning out her house. I remembered my mom’s muffled sobs and how gramz’s perfume was everywhere. It was as if she was still there. Every once in a while I could swear I could still hear my mom’s cries when I was working. 1
First things first, I searched my BOT for gloves and full body suit. These things were wonderful. My hair and any other DNA particle would be contained within these lightweight plastic babies. I would have bought stock in the company that had manufactured these suits if they would have let me. I put the gloves on with a snap that echoed through the empty apartment.2
The penthouse amazed me. I was expecting elegance- expansive paintings and curios. What I found was comforting wood furniture. Dark wood with scrollwork, deep colors of mahogany browns mixed with royal purple and gold made up the fabrics and enhanced by plain white walls. Bay windows that reached from floor to ceiling, looked out over early morning sun. I swiftly strode over and closed the thick gold fabric, for privacy. Although it didn’t seem possible that anyone could see in here.3
Next was assessing the condition of the bodies. I forced myself to walk past the overturned loveseat and follow the hall to the bedroom, there I found Mr. and Mrs. Grossman.4
Lily Ann was where she was supposed to be, lying on the bed, curled up on her side, like she was sleeping. At least the assassin got that much right. Her short blonde hair was perfect, as if she had just stepped out of the salon.5
Along with the directions to the site, came the instructions on how the job was to be set. This was a homicide/suicide situation. Mr. Grossman had found a note from his wife’s lover. He was distressed and angered. Then pulling out the .38 revolver he’d bought for protection last fall, he shot Lily while she slept. Then he turned the gun on himself. Thus the murder/suicide.6
Easy, right? Some how our “man” was surprised. I could just imagine what had happened. Maybe Mr. Grossman wasn’t sleeping. Maybe he was stronger then the assassin. So I was called. I reached up and scratched the back of my head through the hood in frustration.7
First to position Carter’s body. He had managed to get to the bathroom. The floor was a complete mess. I had to try to get most of his blood contained, so that I could make the scene believable by having the blood around the body. The hard part was getting the blood and brain matter to splatter on the wall beside the bed to make it look like he had offed himself right there instead of getting killed in the bathroom. I guessed the Company owned a lab where all my neat little gadgets were manufactured. I even had this little bottle that held a serum that would halt the blood from congealing. A couple of drops of this and the magic begin, if only for a while, undetectable to most tests. That was one my favorites.8
Another was the turkey baster. Yeah, you read that right, turkey baster. It’s great for blood splatter.9
My bangs had fallen in my eyes as I lifted the body up. I had to grab him from behind, with my forearms under his armpits. What struck me as odd was that his heels left lines in the carpet. Dragging him right under my nose made the smell of copper and gunpowder more overpowering. 10
After I had Carter positioned I started on the bathroom. As I wiped up blood, the little that was left, I caught myself revisiting how I had gotten the job as Closer. 11
I hadn’t been wealthy or poor. I was average, middle class. My father had been a salesman for a sporting goods store, the only one in our small town. He was a bear of a man, barrel chested with a dark beard and white teeth flashing under his mustache. My dad was a good salesman. He laughed easily and often.12
Mom was a stay-at-home mom, and it drove me crazy. She was over-protective, and I didn’t understand what my dad was doing with her. I still don’t. By the time I was fourteen, I spent nearly no time at home. My friends were more my style. They had parents that worked.13
It just so happened that I had been out prowling around the neighborhood, looking for some friend's that were supposed to meet me, when I noticed a strange car parked in front of a friends. I sneaked up to the window,stepping over the rock border and looked between the partly closed curtains.14
I watch in horror as my friend's parent were murdered. Yeah, so they had been the local drug dealers. So they were basically bad people. It was still wrong to take another’s life.15
After I witnessed the ‘execution’, I stumbled back and fell over the decorative rock border. Hearing the commotion, the assassin raced outside to find me limping towards the trees.16
She captured me and was about to kill me when the black masked female received a phone call. After a few clipped responses she hung up and hauled me into the strange car.17
I found myself, a little later, sitting on a hard, red chair in a nondescript room. Nothing to see but gray cinder blocks for the walls, the chair I was sitting on and the bright overhead light.18
I wasn't sure why they didn’t just get rid of me. It would have been easy. My parents didn’t know where I was. All Sunsaray would ever tell me afterward was “They liked your fire.” Guess my answers were acceptable.19
They didn’t let me go home right away. That worried me for a time. Even though I wasn’t on the best of terms with my parents I still didn’t want them to worry. I still had school and friends. What would they think?20
Sunsaray was my official contact. She actually went to my house, and talked to my parents. She gave them some song and dance about me bring questioned by government official about the recent disappearance of the town’s drug dealers, my friend's parents. As soon as they heard government official they stopped asking questions and demanded I have a lawyer. Sunsaray assured them I already had representation and that I would call them soon. They bought it, the poor dears.21
Noise from outside the penthouse apartment brought me back to the present. I couldn’t imagine who was out there.22
Author notes
Edited 7/14/08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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14- looking for some friends... parked in front of a friend's (friend's what? turns out to be house, but that could be clearer, especially because friends was just used.)
15- I watched in horror
20- you used worry twice in the same paragraph- maybe try a different word?
Who is Sunsaray? You say she was her official contact, but that doesn't explain where she came from, and you say that after you introduce her. It's a bit confusing, at least for me
On to the fun part I love the idea, it's very original. I can't wait to see where this goes. The BOT and the items in it are very interesting, and you either have done a thorough job of researching or you've had a job somewhere in a related field, to know how to recreate a scene (perhaps theater crew or CSI, which seem far different but would be able to recreate a scene in a similar manner), or like myself, you pick things up from TV and books. Either way, it seems well researched. I'll be checking the rest of this out pretty soon
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Nice chapter installment! I'll have to read part one to get a better feeling for the plot.
I thought I was reading things wrong when I realized she was staging the bodies.
I didn't expect that at all!
Nice job!
~sberendt
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Hey Sage,
I see this story has already been critiqued word by word, so there's nothing for me to add. Very good scene here. I'll have to read more
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BOT, was BOTS in part 1...I like BOT better, as it fits with your acronym. I wasn't sure where that S came from.
P3's last sentence is a fragment; it could easily be attached to the previous sentence with a comma.
P5 assissan/assassin
P7 Easy right? should have a comma after Easy
P8 off'd/offed
The last sentence is in present tense; you could say "That was one of my favorites," or "That has always been one of my favorites," but however it goes, the verb tense should match the rest of the story.
P13 over protective could use a hyphen
P14 suppose/supposed, friends/friend's
P15 friends parent/friend's parents
P16 that decorative rock border seems to come out of nowhere. I assume it's just right there and that she stepped over it to get to the window in the first place; maybe if you were more clear on its placement (i.e. right behind her heels, I guess) or mentioned it as she approached the window, it would seem less sudden to me. I was all, where did that come from?
P17 "do away with me" sounded like it wandered in from an old mobster novel. For all the resourcefulness your heroine has, it seemed a tired phrase for her to be using, IMO.
P19, parent's/parents
The quote Sunsaray says here doesn't seem like something she would actually say. If she says "They liked my fire," she's be speaking about herself, not about Raisa. If you just left "fire" in quotes, would that cut off too much of what you wanted to get across?
P21 friends/friend's
I like the way you work in the flashbacks while she's working on the current job. It plays well in my head, like an episode of CSI: or a movie. Your description is well done without being overdone. On to the next section!
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Typos fixed. Thanks for the praise about the flashbacks. They are hard for me, almost as hard as ending a story. :0
Brooke
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you certainly paid attention to detail.
Another good segment in your story, where you certainly paid attention to detail. You drew a great picture of all the work your narrator was required to do to fix up that crime scene.
Wonderful hook at the end. So who's making the noise
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Found a few things for you to look at.
Every once in a while I could swear I could still hear my mom’s cries when I was working. 1(could echoes and the first one isn’t need. Every once in a while I swear I could still hear my mom’s cries when I was working.)
Dark wood with scrollwork, deep colors of mahogany browns mixed with royal purple and gold made up the fabrics and enhanced by plain white walls. (JMHO
but this isn’t clear. Dark wood with scrollwork, was enhanced by plain white walls; while deep colors of mahogany browns mixed with royal purple and gold made up the fabrics.)
At least the assissan (assassin) got that much right.
Maybe Mr. Grossman wasn’t sleeping. Maybe he was stronger then (than) the assassin.
, when I noticed a strange car parked in front of a friends. (friend’s)
She gave them some song and dance about me bring questioned by government official about the recent disappearance of the town’s drug dealers, my friends (friend’s) parents.
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5.
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I stink when it comes to getting back to ppl sometimes. Thanks for all your help on Raisa C1P2
I think I've made the changes to work better. Again thanks
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'graph 5: prefect should be perfect
'graph 14: sneak should be past tense.
'graph 17: Se should be She
'graph 21: sought should be bought, I think.
No, this is not blah...I think there is good here...as I have said millions of times, to learn to write well, you must first learn to write like shit. I'm not saying this is shit, but that's what revision is for. There are plenty of good ideas here. For instance, what kind of questions did they ask when the kid was captured? Ok, so they liked her "fire" but show us that by letting us see her answer questions in that flashback. See what I mean? There's a ton of potential there.
I liked this...you corrected a lot of the problems from the original draft and now you have more areas that you can branch out into.
Keep writing and by all means keep posting it! -
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I have made all the necessary typo changes and will really go back and see where I can add some of the other changes you have suggested.
Thanks again for rereading *grin
Brooke
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Ok, I already read this but I still like it. *points at story*
Chryssi just added the corrections that I forgot to mention last time. heh heh
I also have a plot of land for sale in Florida if your interested.
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Thanks Greg, for reading this again.
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The smell of gunpowder was heavy in the air almost like after a fireworks display.
needs a comma after air
Every once in a while I could swear I could still hear my mom’s cries when working.
maybe it's just me but I think it would sound better if you said
'when I was working' at the end
My hair and any other DNA particle would be contained within this lightweight plastic babies.
i think you mean 'these' lightweight....
Although it didn’t seem possible that any one could see in here.
anyone is one word here
At least he got that much right.
this sentence seems out of place here.
I’m guessing the Company owned a lab where all my neat little gadgets were manufactured
tense problem here ... should be 'I guessed'
I was average middle class.
This I think either should be hyphened or a comma after average. I'm not entirely sure which. I think either will work.
Mom was a stay at home mom and it drove me crazy
stay at home should be hyphenated. 'stay-at-home and there should be a comma after mom
She was over protective and I didn’t understand
again need a comma after protective
Yeah, so they had been the local drug dealers, so they were basically bad people.
watch run on sentences. it should be a full stop after dealers with a comma after so
After I had witnessed the ‘execution’
watch using unnecessary words... had isn't needed and there should be a comma after execution
Se captured me
typo here i think you meant 'she'
I’m not sure why they didn’t just get rid of me. Would have been easy.
couple things here, first tense problem should be I wasn't sure... and 'would have been easy is a fragment. Adding 'it' at the beginning would fix that.
This is actually quite interesting, you give a lot of background here which is great, yo also do well describing the scene. There's a bit of awkwardness at times but you're really grabbing the reader. I'm going to keep my eyes on this story.
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Thank you for pointing out all those mistakes. Must get frustration when reading, but my whole hearted thanks for taking the time to read this and to point out the mistakes. I'm learning, but the comma's are still a mystery to me sometimes.
Thanks again
Brooke -
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Not frustrating at all honestly. You've got a lot of talent and the only way to improve is by being told what we miss. I still miss commas. It's always easier to notice when it's not ours. I'll be watching for more of this
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So is that what a closer does?
I thought they were the one who did the actual killing. They go in afterward and stage the scene to make it look a certain way?
Or is it a mix of both? Interesting.
The only thing I caught that wasn't mentioned by the others was in p9. stuck - struck me as odd...
Aside from the edits I thought this was very good. Nice description and detail throughout.
You do need to lose the details of adjusting her hair if she's in a body suit though. Her hair would be covered. lol
I think the story sounds great so far for trying something different. I hope I do as well when I try a crime story.
I'm waiting to see what happens next.
Greg
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A closer only goes in when I job is not done the way it was suppose to and clean up, always the clean up
Thanks Greg, I will try to keep it good
Brooke
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Aha, so that's what she does! A bit morbid of a job, but I suppose someone has to do it, right? I would like to see some of the tools she uses to, for instance, contain the blood and move it to puddle in a new place, after it's (presumably) begun to congeal, or how she might convincingly splatter blood and brain. That might get a little bit gory, I suppose, but with this subject matter, I think it's going to be hard to stay away from gore. As for what it's "missing," I don't think I'd say it's lacking in any way. If you feel like it needs more, it might be because you get so little emotional or intellectual involvement from Raisa in regards to the scene. In other words, pimp your character. What does the scene remind her of? A bad movie? A previous job? Playing with Barbies when she was 11? Is she frustrated with the unprofessional job of the killer or does she understand how fickle human nature is? Does she feel pity for the dead couple? Disgust? Apathy? Does she try to treat the job as if they're people or as if they're props from a horror movie? Just some thoughts. I don't know about everyone else, but I want more Raisa!
Notes:
* Para 1: Try some commas around the phrase "almost like after a fireworks display" - I think it's a bit of a side note to the sentence, so setting it off with commas would be useful.
* Para 2: "brought stock" - I believe you meant "bought."
* Para 3: "I was amazed the penthouse" - I think you're missing a word in there - this isn't quite a sentence as is. Also, in the second sentence, try a dash instead of a semicolon and there's no need for an apostrophe in "gold's."
* Para 4: "walk passed" should be "past." (I've mixed those up before, too ).
* Para 6: Try either "he'd shoot" or "he shot" - I think that will solve the tense tension. Also, "Then turned the gun on himself" isn't a full sentence.
* Para 7: While I like the detail of pulling her ponytail tighter, I thought she was completely enclosed in a body suit to keep her hair contained?
* Para 10: Your last sentence switches tenses. -
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You have brought up a lot of really good points that I hadn't even thought of. Blood congealing is something I didn't think of and should have. I watch enough CSI *duh*
I wonder though, would telling all the tools be bogging it down too much? Or could I lightly go through some of them? NOt much detail but enough to get through? Hmmmmm something to think about.
Thanks for all the edits. And for all the useful suggestions
Brooke -
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I was definitely thinking more along the lines of mention them in passing, interspersed with narrative, so that they become details that make a reader admire your ability to craft a story without bogging the flow down.
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Brooke,
I thought your description of the penthouse and the scene in question was superb. You have some editing to do, for example, if she has this full-body suit on to keep any of her DNA from falling on the floor, how can she reach up and tighten her ponytail? Things like that...but other than that, I'm just waiting for you to add more so I can find out what happens next. I'm seriously diggin' this a lot!!!!
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You make me
when you say things like that. Thanks though. It's an ego booster
Brooke
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Paragraph 3: "...amazed [at] the penthouse."
Other than that I didn't see anything that needed to be fixed. This is a great story so far! I hope to read more of it soon. Keep up the good work, Brooke! -
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Thanks Cory, will try to write more soon.
Brooke
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I thought it was good, theres a lot of questions, and I agree with Geri on the spelling and punctutation. maybe more detail? Or a flashback of how she became a closer.
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The flashback to her becoming a closer is coming up
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Hi Brooke,
I’m not certain what I’m suppose to be seeing here, so I’ll tell you what I do see.
This young lady has been sent by some criminal organization to repair a blotched up murder/suicide scene. She, while apparently an expert in this field, is going to have a difficult job fixing this site to reflect what her employers desire.
At first I thought she was an investigator; and the manner you used to go from the switching of legal to illegal was clever, I didn’t see it coming.
There are a few things you should look at:
The smell of gunpowder was heavy in the air almost like after a fireworks display and I wrinkled my nose as it burned.1(I’m not certain what is burning? If it’s not the apartment? The smell of gunpowder was heavy in the air almost like after a fireworks display. My nose burned and I wrinkled it.)
. I would have brought (bought) stock in the company that had manufactured these suits if they would have let me.
I was amazed (at or by) the penthouse.
Dark wood with scrollwork,( deep colors of mahogany browns mixed with royal purple and gold’s (gold) were (made up) the fabrics (enhanced by) with plain white walls.
Then pulling out the .38 revolver he’d bought for protection last fall, he shoot (shot) her while she slept.
Nice plot. I think you might start earlier perhaps before she enters. That's just MHO.
Geri
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, characters: 5.
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Thank you so much for all those mistakes you pointed out. I'm just glad there weren't more.
Brooke
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