Save Her From Me

He stands in the deep shadows of her room. It’s midnight. Surely, she must be coming home anytime. A car door slams. He doesn’t move, but his thoughts run wild. 1

She’s home. Will this be the night that she notices me? Feels my presence in her room? If she does, will she scream? Or greet me like the would-be loving father I was?2

The voices in the hall signal her coming closer. A male’s voice says something; she laughs as she opens her door. She stands, talking and smiling to the young man. Her fathers dark eyes glower to the young man. He must be her boyfriend. He furiously yells at him, telepathically. Leave! Leave her! Leave me! Get out of this house!3

The boy friend nods, kisses her, and leaves. Struck by a sudden vague feeling that perhaps he should leave. 4

She shuts her door, leans against it quietly with her eyes closed for a moment. She slowly changes into her night clothes. 5

Fascinated, he watches her. She doesn’t know the attraction she is causing him. She cuts out the light, climbs into her bed, and falls asleep. 6

He makes his move. From the shadows, he approaches her bed. He hears the slow thud of her heart, the gentle flow of her breathing. The sounds were so inviting, so childlike, they made him pause and shudder. 7

Moving closer, unsure of his thoughts, he froze. His daughter lay there. She was only eighteen, but still his baby. So trusting, so peaceful. He could take her now, make her his in more ways than one. But she was his human flesh! He couldn’t change her, any more than he could be come her lover. It was so very wrong!8

Reaching her bed, he ran a cold, dead hand across her cheek. He wouldn’t take her. He’d not take her life away. Not yet. 9

Leaning closer, careful not to let his sharp fangs scratch her, he kissed her cheek. His nose caught the scent of her skin: rose petals, body soap and something familial. Something old, timeless. 10

He rose in horror. Preparing to leave, he crossed over to her window. He looked back sadly. She isn’t pure; she’s supposed to be undesirable. Why do I still want her? He though softly back at her. Sleep Mai, have no fear. You’re safe for another night. But keep in mind: Someday, I will make you mine. I will have you.

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Quixotic Greeters member
    July 18

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    Well done, though kinda off for me. That he would be looking at his own daughter liek that was kind of desturbing, but i could definitely see a great story coming out of this. I love that he was a Vampire, made it even better for me. Thanks for entering...this was good
    dd

  • Gladys
    July 17

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    Very good but needs work

    Like the beginning, it leads the reader to wonder if the He is real or spiritual. Good
    Her fathers dark eyes glower to the young man. Not sure I understand this. Maybe glower is the wrong word.
    You are changing tenses. Be sure to keep it in the past or present. moving closer ... he freezes not froze.
    This starts out very well then kind of fizzles with the mistakes. Check it out and redo it either in past or present tense.
    The whole paragraph from Moving closer to It was so very wrong is muddled between past and present.
    The story is great, keeps the readers attention.

  • zoralielda
    July 17
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    creepy story.
    Vampires, ooh.
    But this was good.


  • ScarlettWilkes
    July 16

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    I liked the twist at the end. I was thinking the father was a ghost or poltergeist. The title describes the feeling of the father well and the ending gives me chills. It leaves the story open for so much more. Well done.


  • dreaminwriter
    July 15

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    creepy. this is slightly...perverted. no offense it was well written but the story itself? *shudders*

1 - 5 of 5