Foreword

I write whenever I can. Whenever a sentence pops into my head. That's how I get through every day. I love my writing because it brings me the peace I have the need for. The peace I need to live. Not being alive, but living.1

Because there is a difference. And a major one too. Before I really began writing, I existed. I was not happy in my childhood. I was not accepted by many. Although I always had a few people who would play with me, I was rarely accepted by others. That does something to a kid. Honestly I never knew why I was depressed. I didn't realize that I needed people back then. So, without knowing what I was doing, I began distancing myself from the need of a social existence. Right until the point where I seriously did not need for people to stay in my life.2

I still have a bit of that remaining, but the past year has changed me dramatically. I was happier before.3

Just a few days ago, 8. Feb. 2005, I hit rock bottom and tried to commit suicide. I've only told my closest friends. My mother doesn't know about it. But those are just facts.4

I think I would have a better life not needing people, because every time I let someone get close, they hurt me. Badly.5

One of the first to do that was my father. Before that my childhood friend (from back when I was a toddler....). Next came my very best friend when I was a kid (I grew up with this girl). And practically every male person in my life.6

But I'll tell you the whole thing later. I have a feeling the these chapters I write on my life, will be very confusing for quite a while. And knowing myself, chances are that I'll never finish writing all of this. But we'll see.7

These things are just stuff that I need to write, to get my head in place again. To get over the past year. To simply be able to move on. Don't think that you should judge this as you would normally judge a story. For these are not made up. Not one of the words you will read of mine, are untrue. And these stories are mine.8

I never said that I went through hell. I know that others have seen much more of it than I, so I will not claim to have walked straight through hell, instead, let's call it having walked along the edges of Satan's domain and home land.9

I respect Satan. She has really shown how much damage one being can create. She knows that God hates her above all, and she uses that. Who ever said that good will prevail? That's a load of crap that we tell our children so they won't be too afraid. It really is. But the thing is, they should be afraid. If people had ever told me to watch out, back when I was little, I would have kept people more on a distance and I would have spent my time getting to know myself, and being creative instead.10

I would probably have been better off that way. I'm not sure.11

But let's get to the real story...12