I'm sorry, I miss you

Dear James,1

I've been meaning to write this letter for a long while now but I didn't quite get around to it until I found the photo. Do you remember it? You and me, standing in front our favorite tree, just before we left for our first formal as a couple. You were wearing a new tuxedo, with beautifully polished shoes, your arm around me. And I was standing there in the dress my aunt got me, wearing my black dress and my crystal necklace, my high heels sinking into the ground. You remember that dress right? You should, you loved it, probably just because of the plunging neckline.2

But I don't care why you loved it, I was too blinded by my love you for. That moment when we were there, the two of us together, the sunset in the background, our backs pressed against the very tree we played in as children, that moment was perfection. If I could go back now I would, I'd change everything, even if it meant I wouldn't get to go to the formal with you, dance in your arms, stand by your side while you talked to your friends. Even if it meant I wouldn't get that moment of perfection I would. Anything to have you by my side right now.3

I suppose that's the reason why I lost the photo, who knows, maybe I did lose it on purpose. Maybe it was to try and erase the pain that losing you brought. It didn't help though, I still felt that sense of pain and loss and guilt, even without it there to mock me.4

You probably hate me, after all, it is my fault you aren't here right now, outside playing basketball with your brother and mine or sitting on the couch, watching a horror movie with me, I know you always loved those. And gummy bears, especially the black and red ones, we both loved those. I'd better get back on track, or else I'll never finish this, and I can't afford to do that, I need you to know this.5

I know it's my fault. You never should have known me, you never should have gone with me that night. If it weren't for me you'd still be here, it should be me whose not here, not you. It should have been me who got shot that night, not you, you shouldn't have stood in front of me.6

I hate those idiots who got drunk and decided to fight, and I hate me for trying to stop it. But I'd never hate you for not being here now, I still love you, above all things. I guess I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. 7

I guess I should get going, if I leave now I can get to the graveyard by sunset, I like sitting there then, it's our special time. I can leave this letter there today, for you to read when you're ready.8

I'm sorry, I miss you.9

My love always, Louise.