A Different Kind of Suicide

Dear Josh,1

Do you remember that picture we took on your porch, so many months ago? You were wearing that black t-shirt I always loved, and I was wearing blue, and the black jewel necklace you gave me for Christmas was around my pale neck. Your chin rested on my shoulder, your hair falling into your face, hiding the smile in your eyes but not on your lips. My hair was pulled back, except for one small tendril falling right along my cheek, accenting my loving smile as my face was turned towards you. The sun was aglow on our faces, and young love was aglow in our hearts.2

Well we've both grown older now. Both of us have cut our hair, and that necklace is long since broken. The sun is no longer beating on our skin, long since set and leaving us in the starry night of mature love. And now both of us know that love is far from perfect.3

By now you know what I've done. It wasn't because of you, dear. I know you never called, and I know you were less than perfect, but nothing you could ever do could possibly make me take my own life, because I wanted to spend forever with you.4

But forever is a very long time, and things go wrong in life. Babe, I need you to know that I didn't really want to die. I wanted to live out the rest of my mortal days with you. But I was already dying long before I slit my wrists. You see, six months ago I was diagnosed with intestinal cancer. They gave me - you guessed it, six months to live. And I wasn't about to go out like that. 5

I'm sorry I never told you. I guess I was just trying to protect you from worrying about me. During my last months, I didn't want you to act any differently. I didn't want anything to change between us, and they would have. So I don't regret it; we had a good time, and now it's done.6

So here's my dying wish. I want you to move on. I know you love me. I knew it with my whole being. But I'm gone now, and it's not fair to you to live the rest of your life mourning for me. Be happy; find a nice girl, fall in love with her. Have with her what we could never have. 7

I love you with all my dying heart.8

Love always, 9

Alex