Rage (unedited)


Trinity sat straight ahead, perfectly. She was waiting for him, and he wasn't home. How long had it been since he had been home on time? She didn't know, she didn't WANT to know. It was better that way.1

She stands, and goes to the kitchen, pausing only to examine herself in the mirror.2

She was quite beautiful, so many other men had told her that much. She had bright, intelligent eyes. Blue eyes, her father's eyes. Raven hair, dark, yet shiny. She spent most of her time keeping her hair perfect. Always perfect.3

She weighed very little. So much time she spent looking perfect for him, loving every part of him.4

 5

What was there to love about him, though? He was a drunk, drinking constantly. He called her horrific names, only when he was drunk. Beating her, only when he was drunk. 6

 7

He seemed to be in a constant state of drunkenness, there was never any time for her to recover from her shock.8

 9

 He also got high. He would push passed her to get to his Heroin. He would die for his cocaine. 10

 11

And yet, Trinity loved him. Every part of him.12

 13

Trinity looked away from the mirror to check the time. It was 12:01. He was four hours late.14

 15

*                                                  *                                            *16

 17

A loud CRACK roused her from sleep. Sleep, she couldn't remember sleeping.18

 19

The ice outside was proving to be too heavy for the trees, the limbs came falling down with defening roars, and high pitched cracks. Trinity checks the time. It is 3:15.20

 21

*                                                  *                                                 *22

 23

When morning finally came, Trinity was stiff from sleep. She stretched, and yawned. She looked at the clock. It was 9:30 a.m, now. HE had never come home.24

 25

She made herself some cereal, and sat at the table. He had never come home, he had never even called. She was worried, but she said nothing. He would come, of course he would. Why wouldn't he?26

 27

Trinity knew how to take care of herself, any other nine year old could. She was lucky this time. The only thing worse than him NOT coming home, was when he did. Bad things happened when he came home. She knew that all too well.28

 29

*                                                *                                                    *30

 31

The next morining, she was roused from sleep by people pounding on her door. It wasn't Daddy, he could walk in. She knew that she should never open the door for stangers. The door was kicked in.32

 33

Many men came in after the door came down. They went to her, and picked her up. Trinity was not afraid, these were policemen. They were good people.34

 35

They took her to the precinct.36

 37

*                                                 *                                                    *38

 39

"Can you tell me where daddy is?" a frightend Trinity asks the policeman at the other side of the table.40

 41

"We were hoping you would know." The man answers, shaking his head. He strokes his beard.42

 43

"I don't know," Trinity says firmly, crossing her arms. "But he will be angry if I'm not home when he is."44

 45

The Policeman straightens.46

 47

"Does daddy get angry alot?"48

 49

An answering nod. "Only when he has his bottle." She answers.50

 51

The policeman smiles. "Grown-ups don't have bottles, sweetie,"52

 53

Trinity smiles too. "My daddy does, funny, huh?"54

 55

THe policeman sobers quickly. "Yes. Tell me, honey, when was the last time you saw daddy?"56

 57

Trinity closes her eyes in thought. "It was monday, I remember. It was my birthday."58

 59

The policeman is in shock. Today was Thursday.60

 61

"Honey, can you tell me what happened? Why does daddy leave?"62

 63

Trinity smiles. "Duh, he works. And ten he has his bottle after work. And then, he comes home to see me. I don't like when he has his bottle though." Her smile fades.64

 65

"Why is that?" The policeman asks.66

 67

"He hits me, he makes me cry."68

 69

It was there, that Trinity became nervous, she never told anyone.70

 71

"Tell me. You can trust me."72

 73

It was then, that Trinity tells her story.74

what do you think?

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7
  • momwitzman
    August 4, 2008

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    WOW! It is amazing how well you write for your age! Of course there are errors, but you don't need me to point them out for you. I just want to encourage you.

  • marleedanger
    July 16, 2008

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    The spacing is very odd and annoying. Some the use of excessive use of alcohol, coke AND heroin seems a little much (try meth instead of the later two since it fits more with the style of writing & behaviour of the father). I have no idea how old Trinity (though she is a heartbreaking protagonist) is supposed to be because her speech pattern changes constantly which makes her seem older then younger, depending. But otherwise very good & quite tearjerking.


  • Darkhearted
    July 5, 2008
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    Great emotional discription. In the begining I thought Trinity was his wife or girlfriend but then u explained her age... work on that. I want to hear her story. Reminds me of my friend who used to get raped by her dad... very sad story.

    Emotion is key,
    Chey-Bear


  • Tiger-Lily gold member
    July 4, 2008

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    The changes from past to present kinda threw me. But this is a shocking story. She's...nine. O__O

    Wow.

    But very good piece great wording and awesome flow.

    -HT

  • sassykitty
    July 4, 2008

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    This has the potential to be a very moving and erudite write, you tackle it well and I must admit I found it surprising when I noted your age - hope that doesn't sound patronising, it wasn't meant to - was a compliment! Technically this isn't at all bad, although you do have a tendency to tense shift which can be a little jarring for the reader. Not too sure about the final sentence - perhaps you might want to play around with the structure of this and maybe begin with 'Tell me. You can trust me.' It was then that Trinity began to tell her story... or just change the tense of that line, or even just think of another way of expressing it.
    Good luck with this - keep up the good work.


  • Dreama
    July 4, 2008

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    wow. at first i thought trinity was older, like his girlfriend or wife or something, it surprised me that she was only 9
    very well-written but one thing..
    line 10 it should be past not passed


  • Reaver Greeters member
    July 2, 2008

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    Very well written, but wonder where it's going. Look forward to more! You did well with describing her and setting the environment in such a short piece. Good job!

1 - 7 of 7