Heat lightning flashed malevolently as Tucker watched. Her large green eyes took in the bright, threatening flashes without comprehension. Though no thunder accompanied the lightning, Tucker could still hear the gentle rumble somewhere in the recesses of her mind. Rain fell in sheets from the dark sky and sounded like tinker toys crashing together, again and again, as it fell on the tin roof above her. It was here most of Tucker’s memories lived; in a dark, dank house with two bedrooms and no parents. Blood was splattered carelessly across the faded walls as if thrown there by some abstract painter. There were no lights in Tucker’s house, but with each flash of lightning that sad scene before her was lit up.
Author notes
Enjoy.
A contest entry
- let me take a peek. by miles of smiles.
225 points, ended August 5, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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"...house with two bedrooms and no parents."
That line really touched me, probably because that is one of the scariest things to me. I have a loud of fears, most of which deal with death, and the house with two bedrooms and no parents made me shiver. It was terribly good imagery and made me FEEL, which all good writing does.
So, you had reallllyyyyy good writing.
Again, sorry for the fact I haven't judged the contest. It'll be judged by the 7th!
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Oh, wow. Great job with the visuals. I could see it all in my head (no, I'm not crazy. ;] ) The words you used brought this story to life and fit perfectly with the mood you created.
Only thing I could criticize is that you used "flashed" and "flashes" in rapid succession, making the writing sound a tad duller than it would have if you changed one of them.
Great job, though, and keep writing! Good luck in the contest!
.♥. Maureen .♥. -
I really liked it...
That was good. I 'specially liked the line,"Blood was splattered carelessly across the faded walls as if thrown there by some abstract painter." I really liked that line. Gret job! -
This could be something really interesting - you raise a lot of possibilities here without being too forward, although "It was here most of Tucker’s memories lived; in a dark, dank house with two bedrooms and no parents" is a little expositiony...
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Ooh... how very dark and creepifying.
This entire scene was rather frightening; I imagined a very dead atmosphere, and the periodic lightning flashes gave me the chills.
You had pretty nice descriptive language throughout the piece--I very much liked the mention of tinker toys.
Describing the blood splatters as "thrown there by some abstract painter" was quite effective as well.
You use the adjective "dark" twice in a row, in two sentences side by side. When describing the sky, you could possibly use the words "stormy", "black", or possibly something along the lines of "malevolent".
It adds more flavor when you don't use the same word so close together.
But well done, all the same. I wonder what sad scene lit up each time the lightning flashed?
Keep writing!
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