I smiled as I walked along the street. The sun was setting. Pink and purple surrounded the sun like spilled water-color paint. The sun was low in the sky. This was my luck day!1
Looking around, I strolled over to my house. It was a small, white, one-floor home. Trees guarded the driveway and front lawn. Slowly walking on the sand-colored steps, I turned then stared once more. A light lit my inside, and joy tickled my big smile. I skipped inside.2
" Mommy, I'm home. You promised today was the day! " I shouted, with glee in my tone.3
" Susalie, you can come with me after dinner. " She yelled back.4
Grinning from ear-to-ear, I sat down on the dark, oak, kitchen chair. An aroma of food flooded up my nose and into my mind. Saliva formed within my mouth. Some slid out from the corner of my lip. I kicked off my pink sandles.5
Mommy came into the room. She stroked my hair. " Your hair is black as the night, but eyes blue like the sky, you are very unique. " Mommy complimented.6
" I look like Daddy! " I exclaimed.7
Nodding, she went into the kitchen. Moments later, she came back with something. It was a plate of food. There was potatoes, a pickle, and water. Hungry, I ate it quick. Mommy did something odd, she forgot my dessert.8
" Mommy, where's my- " I started.9
Just then, she put a cage on the table. A gasp escaped my throat. " Is it..."10
" Your lucky day, dear. "11
I unlacked the lock. A cute, furry, white kitten rushed out. It had a cute pink collar with a name tag. It read: SUSALIE JR. Tears of joy ran out of my eyes. Hugging the soft kitten, I wisperd, 12
" 'Tis a lucky day. "13
Author notes
This was.....something I don't ussually write.....
A contest entry
- let me take a peek. by miles of smiles.
225 points, ended August 5, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Is the story OK, and/or original?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
"Spilled water-color paint" was an excellent description! I love how you hooked the reader with beautiful imagery in the first paragraph. However, your dialogue wasn't very consistent, and, honestly, I felt my attention wavering. Overall, the story was a nice, easy read, but nothing so amazing that I'm going to remember it tomorrow.
One last thing: I know I haven't judged the contest yet (it's been, what, three weeks?) and I'm really sorry. Things got really busy and I'm just now getting on SW on a regular basis! Thanks for understanding, the contest will be judged by the 7th, no later.
-
This is so cute! I love your descriptions, they bring the story to life. But, I have one thing to point out...
How old is the girl? Sometimes she sounds like she could be like, five, but others she sounds older than ten! Try to keep that consistent.
Great job though and good luck in the contest! Keep writing!
.♥. Maureen .♥. -
Aww...
That was really good! I liked it alot. The description of the sky as "Spilled water-color paint" was very good. I think you did great! -
-
Thank you AGAIN! You are so good to comment my stories this much! Thanks a lot!!!!!
-
-
I liked this I was struck by the oddness of the meal, which made me laugh. "Spilled water-color paint" was a nice phrase!
-
-
T.H.A.N.K.S!
Thank you SO much! Sorry 'bout the sun. I like the odd meal of mine, too.
-
-
Aw... this is cute! I can just imagine the excitement that Susalie had when she realized what her mother had gotten her.
Although I somewhat agree with Krick (below me), I liked the idea of describing the sunset as "spilled water-color paint". That gave me some pretty good imagery. Directly after that, though, you described the sun as half an orange. Oranges don't mix well with paint! (No pun intended.)
Some of the grammatical errors distracted my tiny brain. Giving it a quick re-read should help with that.
For this being something you don't usually write, I rather liked it. You captured the innocence and fluffiness of childhood very well.
Keep writing!
-
-
lol
Thank you for the honesty. I'm glad my story got some comments...especially yours.
-
-
hey, it was a little too bubbly for my taste and i hope you don't mind me saying but I think the description of the sun could be done a little more affectivly.
also in line six "I turned the stared once more" i think you meant i turned then stared once more
I liked the story, it was cute -
-
SS
Thanks, sorry, I make errors EVERY time on my stories...Thanks for the comment!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
