Azurel once had light blond hair falling in gentle waves and curls to her shoulders, perfect skin of a light peachy tone, and bright aquamarine eyes that shimmered brighter then the sun. She had a well rounded figure,as she was thin but not to much so. She typically wore outfits of gothic style with a hint of prep-ish cheerleader. She had been the perfect daughter, the best of friends, she was great in school managing straight A's. She had a boyfriend on the football team, he'd take her out and spend the weekends at her side, follow her like a sad puppy to family events, and then turn around a take her too his, they had planned to get married after school. 1
But now three years later she is different, her hair once perfect platinum blond is now brown with grease and dirt,some how it still looks healthy and some what well cared for. Her skin has faded from its light peachy tone and is now almost like parchment, fragile and about to tear or so it seems and so white its like fresh snow. Her eyes have mutated to a blood thirsty burgundy, with flecks of their original aquamarine coloring in the pupil and in small places in the iris. Her clothes once clean and perfect are now tattered and worn, a black tank top hanging on by one strap, a torn almost shredded mini-skirt hangs raggedly around her hips, and some how still intact a silver heart locket clings desperately to her neck. Her shoes have long been abandoned and her feet are scarred and torn from their rough treatment, her body has shriveled and be come emaciated from lack of care and nourishment, and yet in an oddly dark way she is still magnificently beautiful as she walks the streets of her old home town, lurking in the shadows where she'll lure in her prey.
A contest entry
- Are You A Good Writer? PROVE IT!! by Miss Hanako Megumi.
450 points, ended July 27, 40 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Quick Quickies: Fantasy by tallblondie.
210 points, ended July 13, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Isn't she lovely?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is a good descriptive paragraph, but unforunately we know nothing about her. There is no conflict here. As for whether or not you should continue, I would say, of course. You should give the backstory on why Azurel was once beautiful and now more ragged-looking. We know nothing of this woman except your description of her, and any write should know that is not enough.
I would like to see you continue using this character in a story and give her some depth. Would be quite interesting to see.
Good luck in the contest! -
Hm...ery descriptive but I felt that the huge block of text may have scared away readers. You make her sound very live. That part is great. But then...is this only one-shot? That it confused me. O__O
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;o
she sounds hot in the begining and still kinda hot in the end haha not too sure about the brick colored eyes
idl the brick-red color >>
why did she change so much D: keep writing yo i wana know!
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Wow! You give alot of detail. That helps to understand the point of the story. Cool!
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Wow, this is very descriptive, thoroughly descriptive.
"yet in an oddly dark way she is still magnificently beautiful."
I like this ending because it tells the ironic theme in this.
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Second line "too/to".
"eyes HAVE mutated [remove shifted] "
SOmehow is one word.
"still-intact" needs a hyphen.
"Feet scarRed" with double R's.
"be come" = Become.
Hint: try splitting it into two paras, one past, one present. Makes reading easier.
Yes, she does sound beautiful. Poor girl...your writing is very good, Jessi, and I love how "the necklace clings desperately"...brilliant work...
Apart from the tiny issues mentioned above, it's very good work. xD
-HT
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