Not many people rob a bank with the sole intention of getting caught. That's the end result of a lot of attempts: wailing sirens, gung-ho policemen and a lifetime on the wrong side of prison bars, but it is not what most people actually set out to achieve. The thought put a slight grin on Karl Franklin's face as he pulled his grey Sedan into the Greater Union Bank parking lot: he wasn't 'most people'. 1
He grabbed a gun from the backseat and locked the car door behind him. Looking at the black metal, as he strode towards the main entrance, reminded him of the pain he had gone through to get it. Finding a blackmarket gun wasn't as easy as years of poorly scripted television made it seem: it had taken him three weeks just to find the 'guy who knew a guy'. He sighed and tried to draw his thoughts back to more pressing matters: it didn't matter how he got the gun, all he cared about was that it was powerful, fast, semi-automatic and completely untraceable. 2
Walking in through the revolving doors reminded him of the numbing shock he used to get when he jumped from the superheated spa into the freezing pool beside it as a kid, only this time he welcomed the relief: it was really pushing the mercury outside. 3
Greater Union Bank was quite an architectural achievement, he thought as he stood on the welcome mat. Built to a cathedral-inspired design it had a dome shaped roof, painted a subtle pattern of reds and blacks, that was supported by cream walls and huge stone pillars that lay a meter further into the room. Along one side were the bank of cashiers, each with a long line of customers spiralling toward the door between maroon cordons. Another side was filled with self serve tables, pens tethered to the desk with noisy plastic cord. Franklin shook his head in amusement: banks earned billions of dollars in profit every year and yet it seemed the loss of one pen had to be prevented at all costs. 4
Walking to the middle of the room Franklin brought the gun out from underneath his leather jacket and cleared his throat. He hadn't actually considered this bit when he was planning, just jumping straight to the part where over-zealous rent-a-cops or policemen tackled him to the ground. Figuring they were customers and bank tellers, not rocket scientists, he decided to rule out subtle. Raising the gun straight above his head he fired three shots into the dome ceiling. It had the desired effect. Screams and the muffled sound of people hitting the carpet drowned out the tinny bouncing of the bullet casings as they hit the white tiles that surrounded the entrance. Walking further into the room, Franklin spoke loudly, over the unimaginable din. 5
“Welcome, shoppers, to Greater Union Bank!”6
His mother had always said he needed to learn that sarcasm was not the answer in every situation, but he had always silently disagreed. He looked at the bank cashiers and then down at his watch. After one of them pressed the silent alarm button he would have two minutes before police cars began tearing into the parking lot. That was a long time to procrastinate. 7
After giving them enough time to actually press the buttons he motioned with the gun to one of the cashiers, a young boy of about fifteen who never would have guessed his holiday job would mean anything but a little extra pocket money. 8
“You, gather your little mates and get over here.”9
The employees, dressed in a demeaning maroon and white uniform, filed toward the crowd on the ground like a line of ants. When they had gotten there he looked at the young boy again.10
“Open the vault.”11
The boy, Johnny, his name badge informed, opened and closed his mouth a few times before settling on something to say.12
“We can't actually do that, 'cause only executive officers have the key and there aren't none of them rostered on today.”13
Franklin had to stop himself from smiling with joy: this would spiral out into a long enough conversation that none of his other procrastination ideas would have to be put to the test. 14
“Well call one in,” Franklin said. If he was ten years younger he might have called his tone 'duh', but being more mature he settled on patronising. At Johnny's blank look he tried again. “Ring one of these executive officers and tell them to get their ass in here before I shoot this bank to pieces! I'm sure they won't mind missing a round on the green.”15
“Oh, right,” Johnny said. 16
When, five seconds later, the cashier was still standing in the same place Franklin raised an eyebrow. Much easier than saying 'why the hell aren't you doing anything'.17
“Uh, can I go to the phone?” Johnny asked18
Franklin sighed and nodded, listening for the police sirens. The thought crossed his mind that when there was actually a problem the cashiers probably forgot every second of their two-hour security training course and froze. Did they press the silent alarm button before he herded them away? If he believed in God, he would be praying they did.19
Five seconds later he heard the faintest whirl of sirens through the door. He allowed himself a slight grin: time to make those high-school drama classes worth it.20
“Shit,” Franklin said, as he spun and looked out the door, seeing the cars were a couple of blocks away. “Shit, shit, shit!”21
He motioned to one of the tellers. “Hey, you got a key to the door?”22
She shook her head, like he had predicted, from the lack of authority, she would. He put another round into the ceiling. “Who does?”23
A middle aged man stepped forward, his hand shaking as dug into his pocket to find it. “I-I have it i-in here s-somew-where,” he said.24
“Hurry the hell up!” Franklin shouted, not helping matters at all.25
Just as the man pulled a silver key out of his pocket and army of blue uniforms burst through the doors and ran toward Franklin. 26
“Put the gun on the ground!” They spoke as though one living, moving, threatening organism. “Now!”27
He let the gun follow the bullet casings to the tiles and dropped to his knees. Better to go down under his own power than to be tackled to the ground by a particularly gung-ho rookie. They slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, after kicking the gun further out of reach in a show of apparent paranoia. 28
Hauling him to his feet, three of them began escorting him to the waiting car. As they walked past the rest of the officers, one stepped out. He was older than the others, and obviously in charge. Franklin's eyes widened slightly. Shit!29
“Hang on, aren't you Karl Franklin?” The policeman said.30
Franklin kept his infuriating I-know-something-you-don't grin in place. Just his luck: the one cop that knew him would be the cop that responded to the bank robbery. The older man grabbed his arm and steered him away from the other policemen. With a glance over his shoulder he nervously addressed Franklin. 31
“You need me to take care of this? Make it go away?” He said quietly.32
Franklin resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the awe his mere name instilled in those who knew it. 33
“No,” he replied, offering no explanation. Franklin turned away and walked the few paces back to the policemen who had slapped on his metal bracelets. “Ready?”34
They glared at his cavalier attitude and yanked him towards the waiting car as roughly as possible, making Franklin think maybe his mother did have a point with the whole sarcasm thing. 35
As they drove away, lights flashing, Franklin allowed himself a thin smile. Everything was going perfectly.
Author notes
First chapter of quite an epic undertaking. What are your thoughts? Is Franklin good or bad?
A contest entry
- My name is Inigo Montoya.. by Migfin.
300 points, ended July 6, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Why So Serious? by CactusJack.
350 points, ended July 7, 2008, 14 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
??-??-??
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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That was good. It was amusing and had a whole different twist to it. Can't wait to see more - great job and keep writing!
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I was laughing through out this story. I hope you continue it.
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this is really good, it was amusing and different. i would do something like that for the thrill of it. and just the mere use of his name showed he had power. keep going its fexcellent
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Intriguing.
I'm gonna say Franklin is good but with a bad spin... or completely bad with a good attitude. Either way. lol
This is really good and "draws the reader in," for a quotable quotation. Great job.
There was a couple areas where I found missing commas and hyphens, but nothing too serious.
Keep it up!
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OI!!
Next. -
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Wow. Somebody's impatient!
There is progress...it's completely outlined. Now I just need a couple hours to type up chapter 2.
Careful with the next comment - wouldn't want you to strain a muscle painfully tapping out each letter of the essay length response
Anyway - how's BFF coming
huh!!
Jac -
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What, do you want an essay length response?!
Erm...yeah...BFF!
There's progress ... it's completely outlined. Now I just need a couple of years to type it up.
RJ -
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Nah, not an essay. That'd take me too long to read! Just pointing out that two words is a little stingy rofl
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*scratches chin*
Okay. You got your critique next time around. *cracks knuckles*
RJ -
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Nah, I wasn't talking about your first comment (on the actual story) but the second one...OI!! Next. I thinkn it was.
Jac -
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Yadayadayada.
I getit.
RJ
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Franklin is neither good or bad, thus far. He's believable, but he hasn't done enough for me to draw judgement. Apparently he wanted to get caught, and he could, obviously, have gotten out of the trouble, so he's a bit of mischevious sort. But, is he rotten to the bone, that remains to be seen. I like the descriptive way you progress with the piece, and the story is very realistic.
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Awesomely! I so want to continue haha, love it
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Awesome!
Line 26, "and army of blue" needs "an".
Holy...Jac, you cease to amaze me. O__O
I need to read the rest. The tone, the sarcasm, it's freaking awesome!!! I'll be keeping an eye out for the next chapter for sure.
-HT
beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Oooo, this could most definitely prove to be an interesting one to follow =D Franklin was such an intriguing character, and you balanced excellent character development, cliffhangers and fabulous description for an all-round great story.
No grammar errors as far as I can see, but then I don't tend to look for them. My verdict? Most definitely considered for the win.
Thanks for your entry, loved it =)
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Interesting. I like it. A twist here.
I have a question though.Wouldn't the police have stood off first because of hostages before busting in? But i like it. It's intriging. Great job!
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Amazing!
I love the character Franklin, and I would enjoy reading more! I really like how you don't overly describe things, like so many young authors. Your style of writing is similar to Markus Zusak.
Keep writing!!
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oh wow. I dunno what to think. Actually. I know, I think I'm gonna keep reading.
Your character development, while good, is infuriatingly slow. I suppose next chapter we find out whats going on? Oh boy, I am sooo looking forward to more of this. *grins*
Um, your beginning was a little corny (not enough to make it bad.) but that seemed almost necessary. The middle: I felt the tedious time with Franklin- not because your story is tedious, it was just well described. The end: Is pure love.
Good job, and good luck in your contests. -
I like this...it caught my attention at the title....I loved it a lot!Keep writing!
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its unexpected. I like the character, and love how differently twisted the story is. I probably shouldnt have attempted sarcasm, but... it was something you said, and I couldnt understand how someone would not want to read this. But, I do want to continue reading it, lol.
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I am! lol
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Oh, okay, cool. Each to their own and that. It was just the lol at the end of both comments that got me confused...
Why? (If you don't mind me asking). Too cliche? Badly written? Bad characters?
It's not one of my favourite pieces anyway, so constructive crit would be great - I know it needs some
Jac
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a man who purposely robs a bank in the hope to get caught, then purposely refuses the 'get out of jail free card' oh, yea this is soooo something i dont want to read. when/ where is the next chapter? lol
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... O.o I can't tell whether you're serious about not wanting to read it or not...
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This was really interesting.
A quirky character that I can't put a pin on, excellent writing, and a fun spin on a bank robbery. Gotta say, I'm curious about what's going on with our protagonist. Why does he want to be caught? I hope you have more, because I could certainly read more of this. Hope you're ocntinuing on it! -
im so confused. in a good way because now i want to read on! grat story, well written
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I really like it so far. in line 26 though, i think you meant an army instead of and army.In response to your question, i don't know for sure if he's god or bad, but once i read the rest i will. lol, can't wait to read it, good job
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Reminds me sorta of the opening of Prison Break ...
Intriguing story -- I reckon you can take Franklin both ways here ... but I think he could be a good guy - however, that mention of the power of his name has me thinking, "Mob?"
Great work, Jacs I'll be sure to watch for the rest.
RJ
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