Chained Regrets

Walking down the row of accusing faces was the worst feeling in the world. They knew I did it and they all hated me for it. But they don't know anything, how could they know the story as to why. But I have to tell the story to someone, that's why I'm telling it to you.1

I remember the night so clearly that it haunts even my waking hours. Walking home from the shop, the night pressing a chilling wind against my arms, I felt alive. Jason, sweet, sweet Jason was waiting at home preparing the anniversary meal he had been promising me for weeks. I couldn’t believe my luck when he’d asked me out, even more so when he’d popped the question; it all seemed so amazing, so perfect.2

I was three blocks from home, and decided that it would be quicker to cut through the playing fields; I just wanted to be in his arms as soon as possible. Halfway across I heard someone behind me but assumed that it was some other night time traveller, heading home to a loving family just as I was. It seems like such a trivial thing, but that was the biggest mistake I’d ever made, and one I’m not going to make again.3

He grabbed me around the waist first, when he got close enough. I tried to call out but he’d quickly got his other hand up over my mouth. I panicked and lashed out, hitting him in the arms, the sides but he wouldn’t release his grip so I tried kicking him. That was another mistake as my kick caused us to topple to the ground and still he refused to let me go. That’s when he did it, forced himself on me, there in the middle of the playing fields where I hoped my kids would someday play amongst friends. I can’t bear to look at that place any more.4

When I got home I lied to Jason about what had happened. I was shook up and he asked what happened. I told him some story about nearly getting hit by a speeding driver. I doubt he bought it but he let it be, leaving me to deal with what had happened.5

Three months later I found out I was pregnant. Jason assumed it was his and I wasn’t about to say any different. I knew the child wasn’t his and I couldn’t face bringing up another man’s kid, even if it was mine so I phoned my doctor and after a long and serious discussion he agreed to give me the name and number of someone who would perform an abortion as soon as possible.6

When I told Jason I’d lost the baby, he just looked at me. For the second time I lied to him, told him that it was stress related. The money that disappeared from our joint bank account I told him I lent to a friend who was behind on her rent. He must have contacted her because three days later she dropped around to our house to ask if everything was okay. I nearly broke and told her there and then but I kept it to myself: I had to.7

Two weeks ago, Jason and I were invited to a pre-Christmas party at his brother’s house. That’s when I realised that everyone must know that I aborted the baby. The way they looked at me…it was awful. I tried to avoid being left alone, following Jason everywhere, not wanting to face their accusing eyes. It was the children, my two nieces, that made me crack. I had the chance to have a girl like them and I threw it away. Now everyone hated me for it.8

Quietly I slipped to the bathroom and spent an age looking at myself in the mirror. At that point I hated myself more than any of the others and the urge to end it all hit me hard. That’s when I slit my wrists, there and then in the bathroom.9

Two days later I woke up in hospital, though the nurse tells me I woke before then, I can’t remember that at all. I woke to look into the eyes of the surgeon who had saved my life, the same man who took the life of my unborn baby and I couldn’t help but weep. Jason came to visit as soon as he could and we talked, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He suggested that I come to you, that you’d help me open up, and now I have.10

I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Jason has been great about everything but my lies have tarnished our perfect relationship. To tell him my troubles now will make it all seem like and excuse, that’s what I fear. I can’t lose him but I can’t even face him. I wish I’d never taken that short cut: 11

I wish I’d never woken up.