Without You

Cale could still remember the day his life changed so drastically. He could recall when he lost it all. He could remember it like the change of the leaves from green to gold like his eyes. He could still recall the sorrow.1


It was a hoarse screaming sound but it just wasn’t that. It was a sound of utter anguish, of struggle and of defeat. It was the sound of giving up. It echoed through the sterile halls of the hospital, sorrow painting the white walls blue.2

Cale was right there, grasping at his hand, praying to a God he didn’t even know was listening. He hated seeing James in pain. Tears brimmed in amber eyes, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry; he had to be strong for his James.3

“James, baby, look at me,” he murmured in a voice too thick to not be tearful, and his lover’s head oriented over, his dark hazel eyes going darker. They were glazed; his face was sweaty, transparent rivulets tracing his full jaw line. His full lips were parted and he was letting out his breath in ragged gasps and sighs.4

He reached a strong hand up and passed his palm over that strong jaw line, feeling the sweat smear under his palm, but he didn’t care. It was worth it to watch those thick eyelashes flutter in momentary contentment.5

“Not… strong enough,” James rasped out even as he leaned into the touch to his face. Cale’s breath caught, and he fought back the stinging in his eyes. He just wanted to break down and cry, but he wouldn’t.6

“Come on, Jamie, hold on, you can fight this,” Cale’s broken whispers dropped in decibel, and James coughed. Cale’s hand fell from the other’s face as his fingers skirted over the gauze in his lover’s chest and he frowned. “It’s just a gunshot wound, babe…”7

“Placement,” James let out on an exhale, and Cale bit his lip; he couldn’t fight with James, not like this. He moved his fingers gingerly over the dressing, his dark eyes filled with sorrow.8

“Baby, I need you,” Cale whispered, broken, because he really did feel that need; that desire. It was like his beating heart, that he felt was faltering anyway. He could feel his chest clench with fear and pain every time James let out a shaky exhale or shut his eyes tightly like he was in pain. 9

“You’ll be… be fine,” James breathed out, and Cale couldn’t take it. He felt the hot tears betray him and he let out a ragged sob that broke him down. He curled his body somewhat into himself and rested his head on his lover’s hand.10

“No I won’t,” he choked out, stroking James’ bare chest by this point, his dark eyes positively pleading. “I need you here with me. I never fucking say that, James, but goddamnit I fucking need you!”11

“No you… no, you don’t,” James argued, and Cale couldn’t help but laugh harshly, though it was more of a chest-clenching sob. That was his James: always fighting, even down to his last breath.12

“Yes, yes I do, James,” he whispered brokenly, blinking as he felt the tears quicken their pace against his cheeks. He squeezed hard at the hand in his own, and got a weak grip in response.13

“Be… because you-you said you did, means you d-don’t,” James murmured, his breath catching, and Cale sobbed again, one of those great, painful ones that rack the entire body, making him shake and shake his head at the same time.14

“That’s some fucked up logic,” Cale forced out with a small smile despite himself, and whatever he was doing, it worked because he heard a husky laugh, just a ghost of what he knew and loved, coming from the other man and he couldn’t help but smile.15

“Y-you’re strong enough to live without me, Kay,” James muttered, and Cale pressed his lips together, shaking his head, because he really wasn’t. He’d always said he was strong, that he didn’t need anyone, but he was lying. He was fucking lying when he said he didn’t need James fucking Singer.16

“N-no I’m not,” Cale stammered over his words for once in his life and he didn’t care, and he felt that broad palm cup his cheek this time, and he looked up. There was more life in those golden eyes than he’d seen for weeks, and he let out another soft sound.17

“Yes, you are.” James’ voice was strong, and it made him wince, but then he laughed. His lover really was tenacious.18

“Maybe I am, but I don’t want to,” Cale whispered, and James frowned a bit. Cale frowned too; that just wasn’t going to fly. “Do me a favor and smile one more time, if you’re really going.”19

James laughed softly and a slow, pained smile came to his lips as he lay back against the hospital bed, but it was enough to light up his eyes and bring those dimples that he loved so much out.20

“I love you,” Cale murmured rapturously, thickly, through the tears, and James’ grin widened, the pain gone for just a second, his eyes shutting in contentment.21

“That’s all I ask, because I love you too.” James’ voice started strong, but then it faded to barely a whisper that broke Cale’s heart. He gripped tighter at his lover’s hand and winced a bit just because.22

“I don’t want you to go,” Cale whispered, the tears still falling weakly down his face. James murmured something, and he had to get closer to hear it.23

“Let me go, baby,” James whispered, his voice threadbare, and Cale’s eyes trailed to the heart monitor. His brows drew as it faltered, and with each slower beep, his grip on his best friend grew.24

“I don’t want to,” Cale repeated, the tears brimming over afresh, a soft sob escaping him as he gripped tighter. It was almost like he was watching the life be taken out of his soulmate, and he could almost feel the pain. He watched as James’ thick eyelashes fluttered open. Those eyes had lost all gold color, and they were a deep forest green. Cale knew he was in pain then, and that he was going to lose him. He watched those lips form a silent I love you as his eyes focused before they fluttered shut.25

The ache started as he heard the emergency beep from the monitors, and he sobbed, his lips pressing together as the sound tore from him, making him curl over and shudder. His head fell on James’ hand even as he gripped it hard.26

“No.” It was barely a whisper, but it broke him.27

Suddenly, he matched the anguished scream James had let out moments before, and he felt like everything was caving in. Nothing felt worth it now that his light was gone, and he could feel every single pain that he’d ever felt in his life collapse on him and consume him, and another dry sob tore from him.28

He didn’t even notice the commotion around him from the doctors and such, but he refused to move, clutched onto that hand, shaking his head absently and sobbing uncontrollably, his chest heaving as he further tightened the grip on the cold hand in his possession.29

His James was gone and he didn’t know what to do.30


Cale had gone through his emotions after. 31

He had his revenge stage, where he wanted to go out and fucking kill the man that dared to shoot his James in the chest. How dare they take his James away?32

He had his depressed stage where he didn’t want to move from his bed, curled into James’ pillow that had lost it’s scent of Axe and Old Spice long ago. No matter how many times he put cologne on it, it never smelled like James again, and he hated it. 33

He had his denial stage, where he’d just laugh when someone told him his Jamie was gone. He’d say, ‘Yeah, right, my James is too strong to die. I don’t know who you’re talking about.’ Of course, this was normally followed by the depressed stage.34

In time, about six years after, Cale had come to accept the death of his soulmate, but that didn’t mean he liked it, or liked to talk about it. He’d gotten back to life as normally as he could. He was teaching guitar to local kids, sharing his wisdom.35

Sometimes they’d ask about James because they either knew about the band or because he had a picture of his baby smiling, and he’d just smile too and say, ‘That’s the best man I ever met. He’s in a better place, with his own kind.’ They’d look at him funny, and he’d smile fondly and call his lover an angel. They’d be confused, drop the subject, but somehow Cale felt himself in a better mood after these little explanations.36

His James was in a better place, watching and waiting. Sometimes he could just feel the extra heat of those golden eyes watching him on a sunny morning, and he would smile, nod, looking and shake his head before going about his business.37

He’d never love another.