forty to life

Walking down the row of accusing faces was the worst feeling in the world. They knew I did it and they all hated me for it. They don't know anything, how could they know the story as to why. But I have to tell the story to someone, that's why I'm telling it to you.1

you know what I am talking about you were their the day I was convicted for mom's mudder I would like to tell you the story you did not hear, the story be for the trial and douring the tril , when you could not be present do to a bnissness trip pree aranged. maby then you will feel different about me 2

prison can either make a man stronger or break a man down. In my case it did a little of both Let me introduce myself I am Dane May. I was rased as an all- American boy, I went to church on sundays and visited with my Grandparents. I liked doing all the things young boys like doing. I would ride my bike with my allowance and go to the Conner store and buy myself a hole bag of candy. I would play football with the guys. We would stay out until our mama’s called us in. I was just a kid having fun. I would go fishing with my brother down at Cane Creek. I bet you would never guess why I am here in this shit hole, also known as the Milwaukee penitentiary. I am here because I killed my mother, before you go on and judge me, just remember you don’t know me and you did not walk the shoes I did. This is the story of what happens when a good person snaps. This is my story. 3

Everything was going good in my life until that horrible day, A day I whish I could erase. It was just an ordinary day, but all that changed when momma got a phone call saying that daddy had been in a plain crash and was dead. Apparently the plane’s engine went out and the polite had to try to make an emergency landing but could not in time and the plane took a nose dived into a forest of trees and caught on fire and exploded. My brother Ben left for college that year. He was very shook up about Dad’s death, so he stayed busy always studding or working, which left him little time to come home to see Momma and me. 4

Mamma took daddy’s death pretty hard, she just could not take it, she lost it, she would not come out of the house, and she began to stop caring about her appearance. She began to drink booze all the time. She would get mad at me. She would sometimes hit me. She could not sleep at night so she started taking pills. It went on like that for quite some time, but if you think it could not get any worse, you are wrong. 5

We ran out of money and that winter we had no power because mamma could not afford to pay the electric bill so we had no heat. It was a good thing we had a fire place in the house. I took a job at the drug store, but mama would steel my money to get alcohol. Mommy was so desapert for money that she became a prostitute sleeping with every man she could find willing to pay, and it was disgusting. She colleted a lot of money and gifts from her job. She once got a 20-carat diamond ring. She sold that ring and used the money to by more booze 6

I could not stand what my mother became. I tried to get her help but she refused saying. “Dan I don’t have a problem, If you don’t like the way I am why don’t you just get the hell out of my house.” I would have certainly left but I was only thirteen, I had no where to go. Momma was the only family member I had left to stay with. 7

Mama soon became a crack hor. I got a pretty descent job as a checker at pick n’ save. Three years latter I had graduated from highschool with honors, Mama did not care, all she cared about was booze, drugs and sex. 8

When I told her, I was leaving, moving out, that I saved up enough money to final leave her scankey ass. She begged me not to go, she said with bourbon in her hand “If you go who will take care of me, I don’t want to be all alone I need you Dane.” I just got so mad at her. 9

“Who will take care of you” I shouted , “what about me you bitch, you did not even come to my graduation , you were too busy having sex with some john down the street When I got home you were passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze in your hand!” I said to her.10

“ Well I only do what I do so I can make money. I want to give you the best” Mamma said as she tripped and fell onto the floor in front of the door. 11

“Get out of my way crack hor, I don’t need you anymore, in fact for the last five years I have been living with a peace of garbage and I am finally going to take that garbage out.” I shouted at her. 12

“How can you say that I love you, you’re all I got.”13

“You need help Momma”14

“No, I don’t need help you do Dan, you never did anything for me anyway, you just complained that you were hungry or cold.” Momma took a swig of bourbon. I don’t know what came over me but I could not stand it. I grabbed the glass bottle away from Momma. 15

“what are you doing” she screamed “I need that”16

“No, you don’t. This dumb liquor is what has messed up your life, and these dumb pills.” 17

I grabbed the pills from the coffee table opened them up and through them at her then I took the liquor bottle and dumped the content over Mamm’s head. Then I took the bottle and through it right at momma’s face it shattered all over. Mamma was bleeding, and she slapped me and said” What did you do that for” 18

“Shut up just, shut up!” I said. I opened the door and drugged her out by her feet I was planing to lever her their, that piece of garbage. It was twenty degrees outside. I 19

“Take of your pants and shirt right now, I have a knife and I am not afraid to use it!” I held the knife out to her my hand shaking 20

“You ass hole you better not just leave me here I will freeze! After all I tried to do for you this is how you trat me”. 21

“you did jack shit for me you evil woman”.22

“I Love you very much. Come her and give your mother a hug she reached out and put her arms around me and she would not let go. 23

“Let go” I shouted , you may be my mother by blood but, your were and never will be a real mother to me. I grabbed her head and pounded it into the cement, over and over again shouting I hate you I hate you. At first she started screaming stop and making noises, so I grabbed a hangercheff, that I had in my pocket , it was my bothers. He gave it to me before he left for collage. I tried to stuff it down into her mouth but she would not open her mouth so I just tied the hangercheff over her mouth to muffle the sound and continued to bash her head into the ground. I was angry and up set. I didn’t understand how momma could say she loved me. She was drunk or having sex half the time, letting some old man touch me where he should not have been touching . I kept visualizing that awful time when I found out she was sleeping around with men at home, and what her lover did to me , I will never for get. 24

I came home from school one day and I was looking for momma, then I herd noises coming from the upstairs bedroom. I herd moaning sounds and I went up stairs to see what was going on. I shouted “Momma are you ok” but I got no answer so I shouted loader but still no answer. I went and nocked on the door but nothing. I opened the door and their was my nicked mother and some strange man, much older then my mother. He must of been al least 60. My mom was only 40. The man look at me and then said “do you mind we are conducting business. I payed good money for this, boy, so beat it ” I was ferrous and I shouted “how could you Momma. How could you, what about daddy , what would he think. Two months after his death and you are making out with some strange wino man you meet on the streets, in the same bed you made love to your husband of nineteen years. You are pathetic.” The old man got mad and said “ I told you boy to beat it I payed good money for this and I intend to get my , moneys worth”. 25

“You are just as pathetic as my mother Mr. wino” I shouted as I came closer to the bed. The man reached out and slapped me across the face.26

“what the hell was that for?” I asked 27

“ Because I am not a wino” he spoke into my face, I could tell he was drunk because his speech was slurred. I learned in health class , that one of the signs of a person being drunk is slurred speech. 28

“sorry Mr. but you did not have to slap me.” I said 29

he got out of bed and grabbed my arm real tight. 30

“Ouch you are hurting me Mr., stop it, please” I screamed. He pushed me up agonist the wall and he began to feel my privet area 31

“stop it please, Mr. momma, make him stop” I screamed 32

momma did not do anything. After a about 20 Minutes , which to me felt like a life time mamma finally said come on honey come back to bed you paid good money for me , I would hate for you to not get you moneys worth, but for a little extra I will through in the boy. I could tell she was as drunk as a skunk, her speech was slurred and she kept laughing. 33

“No thank you I just want you babe” the man said as he cowled on the bed and began to lick her chest. I was just standing there star stuck at what had just happened, then I sneezed, it seemed I was allergic to the man’s cologne. 34

“I think it is time you leave boy, and if you tell anyone what has taken place here, I will see to it that you die a slow and painful death” the man said as he got up and threw me out the door. From then on the door was always locked. I confronted momma about it the next day but she told me to stop making up stories. 35

I herd some cracking sounds and a big pool of blood began to form but I just kept banging my mother’s head till I realize she was dead. Then I got scared and I did not know what to do. one thing I did know was that I could not leave this dead body on the back porch of the house so I drug the body back into the house and propped it up against the sofa and put an empty bottle of booze in her lap and the empted container of pills in her hand to make it look like a over dose, I removed the handkerchief from her mouth and threw it on the floor. I tried to clean the porch as best as I could. I took a booze bottle and through it out on the porch. I thought it might look like she brook a bottle and cut herself , and that might exsplane the little blood spatter that I could not get off the porch., and the fact that she had been bleeding from where I had thrown the booze bottle at her. I went back in and turned on the television and left and I never looked back36

The next day when my emotions calmed down and I truly realized what I did I felt bad and I prayed to God That I was sorry for killing but not sorry for my mothers death that she deserved what she got. the guilt was festering inside of me and every where I went I felt like everyone was talking about me saying murderer , murderer as I walk outside. 37

I could not take it , I wished I could go back in time and change what I did but I knew I could not do that. I did not know what to do. I was a total wreck. I could not sleep or eat and I was jumpy. Every time someone said hi to me I thought they knew my secret. In the time I was keeping the horrible secret I lost a lot of wight I was one -hundred and fifty -five pounds and now I weighted one hundred and forty pounds and dropped two pant sizes. I just wanted this to be over. It had been a week since I did what I did. 38

I thought a lot about turning myself in but, I could not work up enough courage to do that. however I did get up enough courage to call the police. 39

“I came to visit my mother and I come home and found her dead by the sofa” I told the police in a hysterical voice that my mother was dead . The police came out rite away and then it was show time. 40

I acted like I was so up set and that I had no clue of what had taken place. 41

“How old are you?” The one detective asked me 42

“eighteen” I told him 43

I guess my performance failed. the detective told me they needed to take me down town for questioning. I was a little scarred. 44

“Why do I have to go down town”, I asked “I told you all I know, You don’t think I had something to do with this?” 45

“We just want to ask you more questions” the detective said, “your story seems a little confusing, you just need to clarify things that’s all”.46

“Why do I have to come down town can’t you just question me here” 47

“Because we don’t want to be in the way of the forensic invagaters that are coming to look at the crime seen.”48

“ I already told you my story I came home and here she was just like this”, I said pointing to the body “I had nothing to do with it” 49

“I say you are coming down town with me for further questing, now you can come willing or I can make you”50

“I don’t really understand why it is so nesssairy for me to come down town nothing has changed”. 51

“Turn around” the detective said in a demanding voice 52

“But I did not do anything!” I said 53

“Just turn around and put your hands behind your back”54

“Why” 55

“Because I told you so”56

“I have nothing more to say I told you all I know, so why do I have to come down town anyways”57

“ So I don’t suppose you are going to come voluntarily, so I am going to have to make you”. The detective mumbled. 58

Then the detective put handcuffs on me. It was the first time I had ever had handcuffs on my wrists. 59

“Can you even do this ?” I asked. 60

“Do what, take you in for question. You are a suspect in a murder case. By law I have the right to take any suspect of a crime down town for questing, unwilling if I have to, but most come willingly except for the ones that are guilty”.61

“I am not guilty you must believe me” 62

“I want to but it is just your story does not add up, there are a lot of holes in it. Come on lets go time is money and I don’t have a ll day”. The detective brought me down town and put me in an 63

Interrogation room. It was a small room with a metal table with a light hung over it and a wooden chair. The floor was made of cement. He told me to have a seat. I did, but my hands were still handcuffed behind my back, so I put my arms over the back of the chair, so I would not have to lean back on the handcuffs, which mad my wrists hurt I was hoping he was going to remove the handcuffs.64

“Can you remove these handcuffs I am in a very awkward position, and I think I will answer your questions better if I can be in a more comfy position”I asked in a timid voice, just bing here mad me nurvice. I now knew why I had to come down town for questioning , they want me to be nerves so I mess up. 65

“are you going to be a good boy, no tricks” the detective asked me.66

very politely I said “I will be a very good boy I promise” 67

“I don’t trust you , you know that right, but I don’t want you to be uncomfy so I guess I could” 68

alright these atrocious handcuffs are coming off. The detective’s cell phone rang he answered it .69

He said, “ deceive Hunter, really” he left the room. Here I was stuck her, about three to five minuets later he came back.70

“Ok all right wear were we” he said then he looked at me and got up and took the handcuffs off but he did not put them away. 71

“Give me your hands, boy” I put my hands on the table it was cold, he took the handcuffs and put them on me. Great these dumb handcuffs are back, well it is better then before. 72

“ Ok now that we are all as comfy as we are going to get lets get started. you have the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be used agonist you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney if you can not afford on one will appointed to represent you before any questioning if that is your desire, do you understand these rights I have just read to you and are you willing to answer my questions”73

“Yes ”74

“Good now I need you to sighed this card, by sighing this card you are restating your answer for the record.”75

He slid a small business size card and pen across the table. The card read I blank have been read my rights and I understand them and have agreed to answer any questions asked with out the presence of a lawyer . There was a line at the bottom. So I put my name in the top line and I sighed the bottom. It felt strange, and was quit tricky writing with handcuffs on, but I did my best. The detective asked me all sorts of questions. 76

“Where were you on January 4, 1966 between three and five 77

that was seven days ago. That was the day I killed my mother, I did not know what to do, think , think.78

“ I was not home that day I was out” I replied 79

“ where exactly where you” asked the detective 80

“ I was out with billy”81

“Who is billy”82

“My friend , we went to see a movie , but I can’t remember the name of it”.83

“Does this billy guy have a last name and number where he can be reached he slid me a peace of paper and a pen. “Smith” I said “Billy Smith” I wrote his cell phone number down. I slid the paper and pen back to the detective, 84

“is billy a good friend”85

“ a pretty good friend I would say”86

“ so you trust that if I called Billy right now that he could verafie that you and him were at the movies.87

“I have nothing to hid detective” I hoped he would cover for me , I was good for the favor, but I was worried, and I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. The detective pulled out his cell phone and called the number on the paper. 88

“Hello is this Billy Smith this is detective Hunter with the Milwaukee police and I have a Dan may here with me. O he is just fine. I just need to know if he was with you on January 4 between the hours of three and five. O really thanks for your help. Of course I could only her what the detective said but I had a feeling form the tone in his voice that it did not go the way I wanted it to.89

“ cut the crap!, Your little friend here said that you did go out with you that day but not till seven and he dropped you off at home about nine. there was a hanchercheff found on the floor of the crime seen” 90

“ what it can’t be mine I don’t even have a white hanchercheff, and the initials B M are not mine, mine are D N. 91

”How did you know it was white, and had initials on it I never said anything about it being white with initials on it, if you got home and found your mother dead and called the police right away. The hanchercheff was found parshaly under the sofa”. 92

“I, I took a guess, I don’t know” I was tongue-tied I had no explanation for knowing the information that just slipped out and I could tell the dective new that I was not telling the truth so I said nothing more. The dective left the room and then a few minutes later came back and told me I was arrested for the murder of Charlotte May, my mother. I never planed on getting caught, but caught I was 93

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I felt better that my secret was out , but I never imagined the outcome of all this would be so severe. I spent three days in central lock up before I met with my lawyer. Her name was Madeline Graves and she was hot , but young and I hoped she knew what she was doing. I had my first initial appearance with the judge the next day. I pleated not guilty. I was hoping I could go home and wait for my trial but the defense argued that I was a flight risk, so the judge set bail at fifty thousand dollars. Fifty thousand dollars where in the world was I going to got that kind of money. I could not bound out so I had to await my trial in Jail. I was in jail two weeks before my trial began. 95

“Members of the jury as the facts have shown it is with out a dote that Dane May has Killed his mother. His mother was a hooker and drug addict and Dane was angry. He was angry and upset he did not mean what he did , he did it out of anger , before he killed his mother she said she loved him and wanted a hug how could a mother who says she loved her son drink and be a hooker, here is Charlotte’s police record, showing that she had been arrested ten times in the past three years for prostitution, and drugs Dane was angry and frustrated. You herd according to his testimony, how could a mother who clams she loves her son yet lets some old man violate her son by touching him in the privets, I know that happened a long time ago, but can you really forgive some one for that, why did he not report it, because he was only ten he was scared. Why not just leave because he had no where else to go he needed his mother, but when he finally could leave his mother tries to stop him making him feel guilty for leaving his poor mother all lone so what Dane did was not right, but he had a reason, The real question is was he in the right state of mind when he did it or is their some dote that the anger and hatred twaord his mother get the better of him. Would you lose your temper in his situation.” Madeline said as her closing argument to the jury. I thought we were in the clear till I herd the defense attorney’s closing argument96

“This murder was staged to look like an overdose but the autopsy report showed that there had not been lethal amounts of sleeping pills in charlotte’s blood stream , so it was not possible. Dam I goofed up. Also the fact that the pills from the empty bottle were all over the floor. Ops I forgot to pick up the pills. that fact seemed to make the seen look a little fake. Also the bottle of bourbon in the victim’s lap had the defendants fingers prints all over it. Shit I should have wore gloves. If the defendant was out and had come home and found his mother dead, and he never touched anything like he said how did his finger prints get on the bottle? I will tell you how his fingerprints got on the bottle, he put that bottle there to look like she used the bottle to take the pills causing an over dose. Also the victim’s body had buren on it, I don’t think Charlotte would poor her own bourbon over her head. That means that she was not there alone and lastly the fact that the victim was wearing nothing but her braw and underwear seemed a little suspicious. There was a hanchercheff and pocket knife found at the crime seen. The defendant said the hanchercheff belonged to his brother, but during his interrogation when the dective said there was a hanchercheff found at the crime seen, Dan new the color and that there were initials on it, but how would he have seen it if he had gotten home saw his mother and called the police like he said. The hanchercheff was almost completely under the sofa. That hanchercheff had some of the victims hair and blood on it. the knife had the initials DM on it and the defends fingerprints all over it. Also there was some of the victims blood on the back porch I tell you Dane May killed his mother in cold blood by smashing her head into the cement and there is forensic evidence that showed she was struck after she was dead which goes beyond nesssairy force. Also I believe that he used that hanchercheff to covered her mouth so the neighbors would not hear here scream and the knife to make her remove her clothes. The fact that he tried to cover up the murder by attempting to make it look like a suicide, showed that he know what he was doing and that it was well thought out. Was Dane May in the right state of mind when he brutally attached his mother and continued to beat on her after she was dead.? I think so, and are you going to let a man get away with this? I hope you in good fath do not.” 97

I will never forget that morning when I walked into the courtroom when the judge asked “Members of the jury have you come to a decision” .When they said on the account of first degree murder we the jury find the defendant Dane May not guilty . I all most fell over I was so happy I felt like crying. Then the jury said on the account of second degree murder we find the defendant Dan May guilty. My tears of joy turned to tears of sorrow. Here I was a young man just eighteen, fresh out of highschool, and I could possibly spend forty years in the state penitentiary. The judge said “would the defendant Dane May please rise, you have been found guilty of second degree murder and I her by sentence you to forty years in the state penitentiary” harsh, I could see maybe twenty but not forty. Their was nothing I could do about it I had to take it like a man. Psychologically I was not ready for prison life. I could not even half predict what being in prison for fifty years would do to me. If I only would have known then what I know now I would have Killed myself a long time ago 98

The first day in person was the worst, I was fresh meet. I was young and nieve. The guard led me down a long core door past a lot of cells. There were some inmates banging on the bars of their cells. Most of them just started at me, one growled at me like a dog, one whistle at me , like I was hot. That creped me out , because I don’t get down that way. I like girls , not men. The guard led me to a sucrure room and told me to strip down to the nude. Then he told me to relaxes and bend my knees and squat. Then he told me to put my hands on the wall and bend over with my butt sticking out. I was not so found of showing my pretty little ass to a strange man, old enough to be my father. But I had no other choice , but the worst part of all was still coming. The guard put on a rubber glove and put his hand up my ass hole That was gross o so gross. 99

“Now what the hell is this all about” I asked in udder discuss. 100

“Just hold still, this is just a routine check” the guard replied , now don’t get the notion I like doing this, sticking my had up people’s rumps but you haven’t seen what I have seen . People conceal all sorts of thins up their, like razors, raped in paper, knifes rapped in paper and the most common is drugs.101

“Don’t worry I don’t have anything up their I swear on my mothers grave”102

“Well I have to check because I don’t know you and you may be talking a lot of poppycock”. 103

“ now you may get dressed you are clean”, he said, “put on the attire provided and put all your personal belongings in the bag, , lets put it this way if it is removable put it in the bag”104

blue pants and a blue button shirt with property of Milwaukee county penitentiary, written on the back, some black slip on shoes with out shoelaces were provide. I put it all on and put my belongings in the bag that was provided. The guard then took me to my cell. Which was a small room with a cot, a toilet and a small clock in it, There was a sliding door with bars in front. The garde closed the door with a bang and was gone. I felt so a lone in there it was dark and scary. The coat smelled like sweet mixed with urine. Soon after I got there it was lights out. The lights went out and there was no way to turn them on, they were controlled by a switchboard I would think. I had a hard time falling a sleep that night I herd the sounds of people moaning, and banging their cells, “shut up I am trying to sleep,” I shouted , then the big burly man in the cell across from me growled at me and after that I shut up, and tried to go to sleep. 105

The next day started out with a cell check because someone was suspected of having drugs. I had to stand outside my cell and watch the gauds look through my things which was not much but , it felt strange knowing that I had no privacy, that the gauds could just come and look through my things when ever they wanted to. I had made the bed so nicely, with hospital corners an all, just the way Momma taught me, If I did not make the bd, or make it just right Momma would strip the bed and make me sleep with no plackets, not even a fitted sheet, and IO would get grounded for two weeks. After a few times of momma’s ponshiment I learned to just make the bed and exactly like she wanted it. Seeing the gauds mess up the bed leaving the plackets in a mess brought back some terrible memories. It mad me so mad because I did such a good job on it, when it comes to making a bed I am one-hundred percent obsessive, it must be made and a certain way or I go nuts.106

The people on my cell block were told we could get breakfast, I would have raftered stayed and fix my bed the guards ruined, but it was either eat breakfast now or not eat at all. Everyone on my cell block was marched, lead by a guard to the dinning hall which was a small cafeteria where we all went in a line with a tray and they slapped some food on the tray, I think it was watery, rubbery eggs, and black toast, and some other mush I think was suppose to be oatmeal. I sat down in a set by a man who looked friendly “Hi I am Roger , but every one calls me old Roy” the man said as he put his hand out for me to shake 107

‘Well then old Roy I am Dane May and everyone just calls me Dane” I hesitated and then I shook his hand, “I never touched a Nigger before” I blurted out . Old Roy looked at me, strangely 108

I begin to eat my sloop on a tray he just sat there looking at me 109

‘ Sorry for dropping the N word , it just cam out my mother used to call blacks that” I said 110

That’s ok just don’t make a habit of using that word. So what are you in here for” 111

“Killing my mother, you” I said with food in my mouth 112

“Killing my wife and the man she was cheating on me with”113

Old Roy was a big built man he was well groomed for being in prison, he had black hair and a mustache, he had clean hands, I know that is a funny thing to remember about someone but I just could not forget that. 114

“ I can get you anything you want , with in reason, is there anything I can get you” He said115

“Can you do anything about this sloop on a tray they call food”116

“Sorry I can’t change that but I whish I could” he said 117

”why are you being so nice to me”I asked118

“Because I am nice to everyone, I am trying to turn my life around. I was bitter at my wife when she cheated on me and that bitterness led me to kill her and her lover. so I am going to be nice from now on. Of course it is also nice to have someone to talk to, “Don’t you have any friends here” 119

“ You really are new her, no one is your friend in prison just your buddy or some one who respects you I never really had a buddy , but once I started being nice to people and get them stuff with in reason they came to respect me and they stop bothering me, most even go as far as sucking up and being really nice to me. I know they don’t like me really but it is better then them wanting to fight with me. This one guy named Mickey even fought a guy who was giving me grief. Are you sure there is nothing I can get you”.120

“Well there is one thing, if you could get me the paper, well just the comics and the part that tells you your horoscope, and the front page o and the weather. And I would like hot coco , some good coco , not cheep coco”. 121

“Calm down, I will just get you the whole paper not a problem and a cup of good hot coco”122

“good because every day on the outside, I would read the paper and drink hot coco, because I don’t like coffee, it never was my thing”. 123

The guards came and said breakfast was over and we all had to return to our cells.124

Back in my cell I fixed my bed and then I brushed my teeth for exactly three minutes not a second longer. I thought I would go crazy in prison but I was addujusting well. I was offered to work in the prison laundry and I excepted, it was something to do , it got me out of my cell. 125

It went well working in the laundry until I was raped by one of the Sissies, he came up from behind the washer and started coming on to me but I tried to ward him off, it was fine when it was one on one , me and the Sissie until his posse showed up and then it was three against one. they bet me up a little and the leader Marianne pulled me behind the washer and forced me with a knife like weapon he mad , to have sex with him, I was scared, so I did it. It was so grosse , I had never had intercourse with a woman, and I never dreamed of having it with a man. It only lasted a few minutes but it seemed like a life time to me, I went back into my cell and cried like a baby. I felt so violated , I tried to tell what happened to the warden, but it was my word against his, I was only there two weeks and I already made an enemy, my new nick name was rat. I quit my job at the laundry. 126

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The next day I met old Roy in the yard and he asked me how I like the paper he had gotten me 128

‘It is fine” I said 129

“What’s wrong” he asked 130

“I just think I am too young to be here, I feel like a baby who should be in his mothers arms not in prison for killing her. I never even had sex before I cam here. 131

“Tell me no more you got raped by the Sises”132

“How did you know?” 133

“Every new person must dell with the sises, they are mean and powerful”134

“I tried to tell the warden about what happened but”135

“ Old man Jackens, don’t bother he never believes a newbie, pluses he is always on the side of the Sises. in here you never tell on people that gets people mad and that is how you make enemies, and enemies is the one thing you don’t need. 136

“You don’t understand I don’t belong her, but yet again I do. I mean yes I killed my mother I knew what I was doing and yes I should be punished, but I am not like everyone here. I am nice and caring I just snapped, I lost it. I know that is not an excuse, and it does not justify my actions. I never really meant to kill my mother. Most of the people here are phycos, weirdos and creeps, but I don’t see myself like that. I see myself as a person who funked up big time but is not a weirdo or creep, except for killing my mother , who was a hor, who let some strange man touch her son in the privets and does nothing to stop it, then denies it in the morning. I never had a criminal record. I don’t seem as bad as some of the people who are here for killing three people they did not even know or people who rob banks .” 137

“I can see your point and that is why I like you Dane”, said old Roy “You are not like all the shit heads here you seem to be good deep down, but you funked up and you are now paying for it” 138

When I went back to my cell I could not stop thinking about what had happened to me in the laundry. I was mad so I decided to get back at Marianne. I decided to go back and work at the laundry and I waited for Marianne to come in, he worked there too now. I hid behind the washer, then I jumped him and beat the snot out of him.139

It made me feel better but it just got me three days in the shoe. The shoe is salutary confinement. It is in the basement of the prison, you must go down at least fifty stairs. It is dark, very dark there are about twenty small cells half the size of a normal cell and there is one light bulb in the center but it is controlled by the switchboard and is only on when you are eating, there is not a automatic toilet in there just a hole in the floor and it reeks of urine and pooh. You are in your cell for twenty-four hours a day. There is however a sink and a plastic cup in the cell for drinking water. I was pissed off about being her, I get punished but Marianne could just get away with what he did to me that was not fair. When I get mad I lose my temper and when I lose my temper watch out. I went crazy in the shoe I could not take it, just siting or lying in the dark. I was siting there in the dark and then the lights came on and I herd the guard coming down the stairs , it was either breakfast, lunch or dinner time I could not tell there were no clocks or windows to tell what time of day it was. 140

I did not know how long I had been there but long enough and I wanted out. I asked the guard what time and day it was he told me but his tone got me mad it was like you’re here I ‘m not hah, so as he opened the slot on my door to pass me my food I took my water cup filled with pee and threw it at him. It must of hit him in the face I herd a scream and herd a tray fall I smirked and giggled , and giggled that just mad my day to get back at the screw , who I could never stand shoe or no shoe.141

Finally I was let out of the shoe, because a pensioner can spend no more then ten days at a time in the shoe, prison rule. I was called in to see the warden. 142

“Well, Well Dan what a lovely stunt you pulled back their in the shoe. Don’ t worry you will pay I primes, you are a threat to the officers who work here, so for the next six weeks you will be on full lock down, and you will be moved to a new cell block” 143

“What is full lock down sir ?” I asked 144

“Don’t worry your little head off Dane you will soon find out and I hope you don’t soon forget.”145

The guard , skin head , we called him that on a count of he had a shaven head, took me to my new cell block, I had a bad felling about this.146

“Get in” shouted skin head as he pushed me in the cell and slammed the door shut. I did not really know what full lock down meant till the mooring. When a guard came and said it was time for breakfast. I could not see him because these cells unlike the other cells were make of solid steel they just had a slot big enough for you to put both hands out at the same time I was waiting for him to open the door but he did not147

“you must be new to this cell block”, the guard said “I need you to put your hands out the slot”148

I did and the guard pulled out his handcuffs and put then on my wrists 149

“Slid your hands in so I can open the door” the guard said 150

I did then the guard open the door but stood in the door way so I could not get out 151

“You are in my way” I said 152

“Nope, you are on full lock down not just lock down warden’s orders you are Dan May Right”153

“Right”154

“well then I am not in your way, first I have to finish.” The guard took out leg irons and put them on my ankles, then he took a chain and clipped it to the leg irons and the handcuffs, so my hands and feet were connected together by chain. It was not very comfy having all these chains on me but their was nothing I could do.155

“This is the routine you will have every time you leave your cell so get use to it” the guard said I am sorry but warden’s orders.. He must have been a new guard he was young and not quite hardened like all the screws here. I was glad he was assigned to me. 156

“Lets go” he said as he grabbed my arm157

“Do you have to grab my arm? What am I going to run away I can’t even run with these stupid chains on my legs. my arms I can’t do any thing with them I can’t even get then past my stomach so why do you have to hold on to me”158

“Because I do so just keep walking and please be quite all your rambling is giving me a headache. 159

We finally got to the dinning. hall The guard left and I stood in line to get food, sloop as I liked to call it, I could barely reach the counter but I could just pull my arms hard enough to reach the counter but that mad the chain between my arms and legs get really taut and it hurt my ankles and wrists a little, my ankles more then my wrist, but there was nothing I could do about it. I could not even carry my tray do to the fact that my hands were stuck to gather by a short chain. There was a guard at the end of the food line to assist people like me. He carried my tray flowing me as I found a seat by old Roy, he put the tray on the table and left.160

“Who did you piss off” asked old Roy161

“What o you mean the chains, I got put on full lock down because when I was in the shoe I threw some pea at the guard bring me my food”.162

“What did you do to get put in the shoe”163

“I fought with Marianne in the laundry” 164

“I tried to tell you not to mess with him”165

I tried to eat my food but it was not very easy with my hands chinned together I started to get frustrated. 166

“ These stupid chains , I can’t even fucken eat densely!”, I said as I kept spilling my food in my lap after a short time I gave up.167

“Calm down said old Roy as he put his arm on me 168

Clam down, you say calm down how can I calm down when I am chained up like a animal, I can hardly even feed myself with out food falling in my lap you say calm down, you trad places with me and then see what you have to say. 169

“I just don’t want you to get in any more trouble” old Roy said 170

“That is so nice that you care about me but, I still don’t want to be here and I am still mad at everything that has happened to me and you can’t control me, I hate these chains I have to wear and I hat this food and I hat being here and I hat myself!” I was so mad I pulled my arms out as far as they could possible go with the chains on them and with my wrist I shoved my tray of food on the floor as I did this I was shouting and screaming. I bet I looked like a mental person from the hospital. 171

The guard came over to me and said “ What the hell do you think you are doing May. come on lets go breakfast is over for you” he grabbed me and started dragging me out. I was angry and did not want to go, but I could not put up much of a fight. I wiggled and wiggled trying to get away from his grip, but the chains I wore perverted me from full motion and I could not wiggle out. But I did manage to wiggle enough to turn so I could spit on him. The guard took me to my cell and basically threw me in there because I fell do to the leg irons on my ankles and he slammed the door closed.172

“Aren’t you going to remove these chains”! I said 173

there was no answer. The guard just closed the slat on the cell door and then I heard him say “Not for a pig like you!” and he was gone so I just sat their in silence. after about five minutes I herd some one comming. before I could say anything the guard grabbed me and led me out of the room “It is time for your special treatment, turn twaords me. “Now I am going to let your hands free and I want you to remove your shirt completely and hand it to me and don’t try anything funny” the guard said 174

“as you say sir” I said back 175

It felt so good to have my hands free and as I unbuttoned my shirt my hands were shaking with fear and I wet my self , because I had no clue of what was coming, I took off my shirt and gave it to the guard, the guard took the shirt and put it on the floor and then he re-chained my hands. Then one of the guards came up from behind me and blindfolded me with a cloth, that suppried me I jumped I was scarred and being chained I was afrai to move I was was frozne solid , the guard, grabbed me by the arm and litterly dragged somewhere me of course I could not tell because I was blindfolded I was practicaly treipping with the hopples on my feet the worst part is the fear of the unknown, not being able so see a thing only made it worse. . All I know is when we got to the place, the guard said “Stop”, and he turned me to face him and he undid the chain between my wrists and ankles.176

“Put your arms up over your head” he said 177

I was so afraid “as you say sir “I said as I put my arms in the air. I felt some one garb my arms and put a leather strap around them and then they connected it to some rod, my arms hung over my head. Then I did not hear anything for a few minuets my hart was racing , BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM I was really scared waiting for something to happen, then.... WHAP the grad hit the floor with a leather wip, then it was slilent agin. I herd load marching foot steeps, thump , thump , thump, then it was quit again, then the gaurd tuached me I jumped “O did I scare you” the guard shouted . then a peace of cloth was put in my mouth, then whap the whip hit may back I jumped and monad and bit on the cloth. One, I herd someone say then whap. After twenty times the whipping stop, and the cloth was pulled from my mouth. My arms were released off the rod and the chain between my ankles and wrists was put back on . the guard led me a little ways and Then the blindfold was taken off and I was taken to my cell where the chains on me were taken off My back hurt a lot. I put my hands on my lower back I could feel deep blister like streaks where The whip hit. Latter when I was able to shower I got a glimps of my wound in the mirror. it was tarable theer were bright red slash marks that looked like my skin was rubbed off. there was just raw flesh the would was about two inches deep and it was sting a lot. I was was given no ountment for the pain. 178

That night I just laid on my cot on my stomach and sobed like a baby. If I had had more guts I would have killed myslef but I was a chicken. 179

many years have gone bye, I don't even really remember how I killed my mother or how I could have let myself do it. I wrote to my brother and subrizingly he wrote but , all he said you asshole don't write to me ever again how could you have killd mom I hope you rote in jall and live in the firy pits of hell for all eternity 180

I hate you ben181

I took that letter and riped it up and sobbed.182

today is the day I get relised, I was sent out into the world with nothe but the cloths on my back and they did not relly fite. anymore I treed to find a palce to live but was turned down serval times I want from a coviced killer to a bum, it was better in prision at leats I was warm and not starving. this is my life a terrable life what a shitty life that is going to end I hope people will come to my frournal but I dought it this is the end. I am sorry for what I did if I could go back I would but I can't it has been 39 years sence I killed my mother , will it ever be put to reast , I think not. 183

Dan may closeed the journal he had be writting in for the past years. he got up put the book under his arm and he went and found where his brother lived and but the book in his brother's mail box and left. he went and climed up onto the brige he sleeped under and took one leep, and nobody seemed to care he was just some crazy bumb who jumbed off a brige not that uncommon here.184

latter that night his brother found the journal and read it and cried for he had not knowed what his brother had been through and was ashamed for not being there for him. 185