Tears streamed down the maiden's face as she lay, bruised and beaten, on the cold dungeon floor. Her once stunning silk dress was black with filth. Long blonde hair fell in tangles across her face. The room was windowless, too dark to see even five inches away. A door opened, shedding light on her, and a tall, middle aged man walked slowly down the staircase. His face curled into a wide grin, cracking the pale lips, when he saw her miserable state. His jet black hair seemed to darken his deep, green eyes. His nose was curved almost to a point and he wore a black suit, illustrating his wealth... and his power.1
He crouched down near the woman and whispered in her ear, "He's here..."2
Her head shot up, a new glimmer of hope in her eyes, and the villain chuckled to himself quietly.3
"You know, my dear," he began, "there are three components that make up a successful villain, and, until now, all have lacked one but for me."4
His grimy fingernails scraped down her cheek, leaving a bloody cut.5
"The first is intent. In order to get what you want in this world a person needs to be able to commit cruel and nasty acts. People should just accept that it's human nature anyway."6
He smelled the blood on his fingers and his grin grew ever wider. 7
"The second is intelligence. It takes a clever mind to come up with a threatening scheme. Third..."8
He was interrupted when suddenly the dungeon door burst open again. A bloody corpse rolled down the stairs, followed by a large man holding an equally large sword.9
"You've failed, fiend. Hand her over," the new man announced.10
"We'll see friend..."11
The hero charged, but the villain was quicker. He sidestepped quickly, and his leg caught the hero's, sending him sprawling headfirst into the dungeon wall.
The villain slipped a knife out from his sleeve and pulled at the hero's arm. He stabbed the knife into the hero's palm pinning it into the wall behind it. The hero gave a cry of agony as blood gushed from the wound. He reached up with his remaining hand to pull the knife, but it recieved the second knife. The maid gasped silently, not able to look at her failed hero, and new tears poured down her face as the villain bent down by her once again, drawing her ear towards his mouth.12
"The third... is the conviction to finish the job when all else fails."13
He quickly spun around and flung a third knife straight at the hero's throat. The hero flailed his legs uselessly,trying to draw breath, but he met his end as his movement stopped. His eyes stared lifelessly towards the maiden, still seeking love, even in death. Dark red blood pooled on the ground beneath him. The villain stood up and headed for the door as the maiden shuddered violently, trying to avert her eyes from his torn cadaver.14
Slowly, the villain climbed the staircase, stopping at the top. 15
"Enjoy the view."16
And, with that, the door closed.
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A contest entry
- Short But Very, Very Sweet by sugarrrainbow.
175 points, ended July 8, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Correct Constructive Critisism? =]
Comments
1 - 46 of 46
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Good
I want to know more.
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I liked it! It was dark, dramatic, and for once the villian was the winner. Goodness I hardly remember another story where the bad guy ends up winning
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dark, short and very nice, I love it, great writing, great story. I really really liked this, good job, and keep it up. Very well put together, I like how the villian one, those are my favorite stories, were the hero's die and the vvillians come out victoriuos(sorry if i spelt that wrong). So great job, and good luck in my contest =DDD
-Dani
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Thanks =]
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Nice atmosphere, flow of text, and a good sense of drama and action. Well done. I believe you need polishing of style and grammar, but this is minor (though necessary) compared to your general writing skills.
Not sure it was a great idea to identify the characters by what they were (villain, hero and maiden). "Maiden" and "hero" in particular made the story sound a little childish. Have you considered using names?
A few pointers:
para 1 - "illustrated" isn't quite right in the context and flow of the sentence - suggest something like "demonstrated" or "was indicative of" or the like.
para 10 - need to insert a line to separate the dialogue of the villain.
para 13 - a teeny bit clumsy with the use of pronouns in the context of who they referred to - you mixed perspectives in the paragraph, and within some sentences.
All in all, well written, and a nice way to point out that being a hero doesn't necessarily mean you are a winner.
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Wow, that was amazing. The villian was so... *shiver* villianous, lol. This is awesome, you're writing style, grammar and spelling, ect. I loved it, good job!
~Kate-kat
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Your Welcome
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Great! I liked it I dont know what to say so I'll shut up now, great begining
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Thanks =]
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Brilliant. It was such a short piece yet it was so good, it gave you an incite. However having such a short piece can be a little set back. It doesn't give you as much time to establish anything.
But I still enjoyed this piece and the idea of a perfect villain. There never is one. I loved that the hero died and the maiden lost hope.
Fantastic.
Good job and good luck.
Angel
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It's a prologue actually. just having a bit of writers block x.x
Thanks =]
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I think it's sad that I like stories where the hero doesn't win - it's just not realistic for the good guy to get all the glory. Overall, I really enjoyed it. I think you should rework it, though, to make it longer and more descriptive, as others are saying. Perhaps describe more of the maiden's emotions - turn it to be from her point of view or something as we go from her feeling hopeful to losing everything. But good work!
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Could use some work
It was good, but you need to describe the scene better to set the mood, that way you catch the readers attention. Don't be so focused on just ending the story, take your time and make it sweet. Over all it was good and you did a good job, just remember, set the scene, that's the most important along with describing the characters.
beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 3.
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*shudders*
That was freakishly amazing.
That's one sneaky villan >:]
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This was short but good. It proves that good doesn't always win and that's one thing that I was looking for in this contest! I would love to read more on this. Good job on this! Good luck in the contest and thanks for entering!
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This was very good I enjoyed the detail in thought you produced throughout. Thanks for the entry
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I loved it
The villian won. -
I love it when the villian win in the end
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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this was really good. the detail was acute and made me feel like i was in the dungeon with them. i loved the ending the best. "Enjoy the view" thank you for entering and good luck!
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Wonderful
Oh I really enjoyed this! It's very good and quite descriptive, makes me wish there was more ^_^
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'Wish there was more.....
Omg! That was so spectacular! I can SEE the actions and emotions, great work! Nice tittle, keep it up! (Though I wish there was more.....) -
THAT is awesome!
It would be cool if you could extend it, like how he got her, and other things like that, how she finally gets rescued....
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Hmm, which did you add? I noticed that the beginning had more descriptions- which i liked =]
*claps* -
Hmmm
Now, I did like this, first of all. You did a very good job setting the scene.
However, I felt as though there was something missing. I think it may have lacked the proper description at some points, or perhaps it went too quickly. You have to be sure that, when writing a short piece like this, you have plenty of description. Your point came across perfectly, but I wasn't sure what anything truly looked like. The villian was described, but what about the maiden and the hero in his final moments. Did the two of them make eye contact? Were there any unspoken words between them?
Tiny details like that make a short story like this much more dramatic, without causing it to be too dramatic.
Anyway, I still think it was good, and you did a very good job.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Oh, I love it!
I love a twisted ending like that. The villian was so...so wonderful! I love him! He was so cruel, so mean, ah, he was great!!
I wish it was a little longer however.
Wonderful!!
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nice the 3step lesson in becoming a villain, i could teach a class on this (evil smile)
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Hehe, I like this new take on the villain, hero and maiden... I always like it when the bad guys win, so yeah, I liked this story =)
It was well written, and you did a good job =)
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 5.
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I just need to say that I absolutely ADORE the idea of writing about the three things a villan needs to have. ADORE IT. You got major, major, major points for that just because I found it to be a unique idea and very well executed. It had style, too; like when the villan killed the "hero" (although he didn't end up looking like a hero xD) and proved his point. It was great.
You know, I really think you should expand this into a larger piece because it would seriously kickass. It has amazing potential. O.O And if you do decide to, PLEASE let me know. I'd love to read.
This isn't as twisted as a lot of my other entries, but it has the originality that most of those other entries lack. Plus, the ending is grim, yet perfect, in my opinion. Good guys always winning is so cliche. =]
Thanks for entering and good luck!
-jj
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heyy
idk if you're still interested, but I did just post a chapter 1 to this story... -
Thanks a lot ^^
Actually I like to think up things like that. I've had those three in my mind for a while and I evaluate a lot of villains in stories based on those three things and so far none had the total package (except one whom is still on the loose... one more book in the series...) so I said hey, I should write about that guy =D
Anyways thanks again for the comment. That was a good boost of morale =]
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I like the mood of this story, you set it very well. Very dark and suspicious. I loved the ending, the villian was very cunning. Nice job. You packed a lot in such a short story. Thanks for entering my contest.
*Frozen Angel* -
....*bows in the presents of greatness* hehe...that was great...
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I like the fact that the villain won.
Heroes so often win in death, but this death makes no difference.
Keep on wrtin'!
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Man, you're grim. Lol. No, I liked it. It makes a good point, like how no one can actually finish a crime, but they keep trying anyway. Good job
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Wow, the epitimy (sp?) of heroes and villans. Pretty gruesum ending too, getting a knife through the throat and all. It went against all preconcieved notions of what a hero/villan story should look like. Good job
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......... *faints*
that's so frigging fracking freshgsshgsklhg;kasg;g scary >.> I was afraid in the beginning that the dude was 'onna rape her. Phew. But it's sad that the hero died >.> He's not really the hero if he didn't save her, is he?
♥ Lawliet ♥
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Good starter =)
I like the premise of your story a lot - especially the ending. I've always been a fan of ominous endings. I also liked how you tied things together with the hero saying he failed, and the villain stating that the third component is to finish the job when all else fails. This could lead up to quite a good read if you feel like continuing the story.
however, there are a lot of things that I feel you leave open ended. I mean, there are some parts of it that don't add up. For example, he walks into the windowless room and the girl who's beaten and bruised looks up with a glimmer of hope? Why? If she's beaten and bruised by the villain, shouldn't she look upon him with fear? Unless somebody else beat her up, and if that's the case, you should allude to that somewhere - not necessarily go in depth on it, but say something about it. Secondly, about your three components, I actually think it's quite interesting how you came up with them because I completely agree with the last two, but the first one...I'm not so sure about. I agree that a good villain has to have intent, I'm not so sure about the "want to be evil" part. I mean, in cartoons - yeah that's pretty much the case, but in real life? I think most villainous characters are deeper than that. If you are thinking about continuing the story, you should try and develop the character more. Don't make him 1-dimensional cos then you're limiting yourself - much worse, you're limiting your character.
Sorry. I hope I helped and that you don't think I'm being overly critical. I'm in college to be an English professor so I guess I can't help it. However, I do think you have great potential. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more ^_^
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Kickass. I love the hero getting owned. And I love the villain being such a despicable bastard. Thanks for entering.
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Love it, Love it!!
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Excellent hook sentence! Yet I think Parargraph5 needs a better word than 'trailed' because it seems like 'trailed' is more of a slow, taking-its-time type of word. Phrases such as 'slashed', 'lashed out at', or even 'tore' might give more the impression that it was a quick, sudden movement
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whoa... I liked that. Always like a story that never follows the rules, and... this, didnt. Very good job! I liked that she got no hope in the end.
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Wow.
That, was so cool. The way you set it up "villain." "maiden" and "hero" was a little bit cheesy but the way you handled it was good. -
I just noticed this now, that I love the ending... The hero failing.. the maiden being reduced to bleak depression...
Very nice ending, actually.. I always cheer for the bad guys, and then cry when they get slain D:
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I think you should reword this:
"The second is smarts. It takes a clever mind to come up with a threatening plan. Third..."
Using smarts making your villian sound... Dumb. Uncultured. I think what you're going for is the type of villain I usually make ^-^
Maybe intelligence, instead?
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Aha! I was waiting for someone to try that option =)
Very nicely done! The description was marvellous, I especially love the way you described the villian - he was nasty! I can see this contest being very difficult to judge =)
My only criticism is the structure, try putting a line between the paragraphs to make it look less bunched together. Other than that, you did a fantastic job =)
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Eek! *Hides* Mean guy...
Good details.. Creep.
Must edit briefly.. Only the beginning. (=
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