Checking In (Autobiographical)

There is a strange churning feeling in my stomach when I think of that poisonous wretch, when I think of any of them actually. Its like wanting to destroy everything I can touch, while sobbing hysterically. It feels like sucking myself inside out like some bad cartoon depiction of implosion, all this, and I have no Idea why.1

It must stem of self esteem. I need people to like me; that must stem from self esteem, hence my assumption. There have been three main occasions when self esteem has ruined everything, and although this time I am trying as hard as I can to control it, its like a bacteria, duplicating on my brain. 2

Sometimes I see it when I observe some scantily clad bint on the front page of some tasteless paper or tabloid, sometimes when I watch airbrushed totty writhing on-screen beside 50 cent or some other egotistical control-freak. And sometimes I see it in my imagination, some better endowed contestant moving closer to the only thing left for me to smile about. Is this jealousy? Of course not...3

It manifests itself in bouts of severe anger, hatred and damnation, in days of slow-dripping tears covering heart wrenching realisations. But worst, it manifests itself in hours of cruel fantasy comprising of infidelity, the poking-of-fun and pretention, in other words, not being good enough.4

So I ask myself- 'Am I going insane?', the first answer to that is no, if I were insane I could not question that I could be. But doubt settles on the mind like mist- does one need to be unaware to be insane?5

Mental, retarded, dumb, think, spastic- Are these all dispicable words for someone like me? Someone who has allowed years of cruelty and treason, betrayal and desertion, blind her from the obvious- Could someone want to be my friend?6

Okay, so here comes the bit where I brand myself as an emo-esque, sob-story wannabe, but I'm growing concerned. Most emo-esque depressives could, at a push, tell you one thing that they like about themselves, but I'm struggling now. Anything that I would have said previously is tainted, it has a disgusting taste in my mouth, it tastes like a lie. I am sick of falling through this loop over and over and over again, it tires me!7

I wish, for one absolute minute of joy, that I could be completely happy, if only for a second, that would be enough for me. So lets let this rabid darkness infect my drowing personalities, as I fly into the unknown!