Suicidal Memories

It took one word, one simple little word, to cause her to totally break down... "Suicide..." she repeated weakly, in feeble depressed voice, and then was caught in her mind's memories.1

The small blonde four year old sat nestled in her mother's lap, her sky blue eyes closed, for she was asleep. Her mother caressed her, rocking her back and forth as she held her arms wrapped around the child, lovingly. Together the rested on the couch of their living room, in their homely trailer. They had been completely content, there together, but a disturbance that would change their lives forever broke them from their moment together.2

RING!3

RING!4

Addy's eyes opened lazily, as she looked up at her mother, who smiled comfortingly, then affectionately rubbed her back, to lull her back to sleep, all while reaching for the phone, to converse with the person on the other line. The soothing motion on her daughter's back suddenly ceased and the child turned to see her mother's frozen distraught expression. Her mother's head shook, in
some sort of disbeleif.5

"Mommy?" The child asked her mother, concerned. "Mommy?" she asked again, after receiving no reply.6

Tears fell from the woman's eyes, slowly dripping from her eyes, down her cheeks, and falling into her daughter's hair, as she clung to her for comfort. "Mommy?" begged the child, though she received no reply once more. After concluding her mother would not respond, she simply hugged her mother back, clinging and being brought to tears of her own, seeing her mother's desperation and feeling it in her own heart. She had never seen her mother as upset as she had that day, and she would never forget that expression, for it carved it's way deep into her mind.7

A few weeks later they were moving to her uncle's house, for she had found out he was dead; he had hung himself. Her mother was sad constantly, depressed even, and as a result so was her child. Once settled in the home, Addy, who was now five, walked beside her older brother through the woods, before coming to an abrupt stop. She gazed, horrified at the rope dangling demonically from a branch. She suddenly ran from her elder brother, scared and in need of her mother.8

She had gotten home, only to find her mother was out again, as she often was, so she instead locked herself away in her room.9

She had dosed off and hadn't awoken until she heard the screaming from downstairs, and stood up scared at the same familiar screams that seemed to occur everynight her mother was out; she was always out drinking. Being depressed and drunk, she would come home to her concerned husband and make her way to the kitchen, where shakey hands would clench a knife and bring it to her throat. Everyone saw it, Addy, her father, her brother, and her sister, and the all begged for her to stop and just go to bed, so that she could be sober and rational the next day. It was always her father who calmed her down and got her to lay down on the couch, until she fell asleep.10

It was a terrible life style, especially for a child so young; Addy was the youngest at the time, and was the most attached to her mother. She cried often and hated seeing her mother in so much misery.11

The fifteen year old returned to reality, with warm salty tears rolling down her cheeks. Her family was much more stable now, though her mother regret everyday of her life what she made her children live through, but the pain of the memories would always be as strong. Now more comprehending of the situation, Addy never blamed her mother for being depressed and acting as she did. It was her escape from the death of her beloved brother, and Addy doubted she'd be able to survive her brother's suicide it the event ever did occur. She found her mother to have actually been a strong woman to have survived it and turned into the wonderful mother she now was.12

Addy wiped tears from her eyes and looked to the sky, the blindig sun a blur in her moist eyes. She closed them and tears solemnly fell from her eyes, then she turned from her friend, the one who spoke of suicide, whispering apathetically, "I'm sorry..."