I was sleeping when the call came. I only remember because I was really enjoying the dream. The arms that were wrapped around me were strong and secure, unlike the ones in the future, but I didn't know that yet.1
Those arms really put a smile on my face. But that's getting off track.2
The call came and instead of picking it up I pushed my alarm clock onto the floor. When this failed to make the annoying noise go away, I cracked open an eye and noticed my phone doing it's pretty light show. I watched as purple turned into blue, then red and so on down the rainbow. I had bought it for this reason. I sometimes have a hard time waking. The lights help focus me.3
As soon as I grabbed the handset the light show stopped and the room was plunged into darkness again. "Hello?" I mumbled, fighting to keep my eyes open.4
Dead silence radiated from the other end. I took the phone away from my ear, getting the antenna knotted in my hair, to see if it was on. It was.5
"Hello?" I tried again, my voice clearer.6
"End deal, Raisa." Then a dial tone.7
I sighed and hung up. I threw myself back on the pillow before pushing my warm covers off my nude body. Padding to the end of the bed, I put on a tight black tank top and pulled over a black hoodie with a C embroidered over my left breast. This hoodie got me in places a normal twenty-something girl wouldn't be permitted to enter. Next, black jeans with black all-weather boots.8
All the while I was wondering what I would be walking into. The last one had been a disaster. No way that could be staged as a natural death.9
I pulled my shoulder length strawberry blond hair into a ponytail as I walked to the door. Everything I needed was waiting in the car below.10
My hand slid down the gray granite counter-top, feeling the tiny bumps, before swiping up my car keys and heading out the door.11
The hallway was empty, but what did I expect? It was falling just past two in the morning. The quiet buzz of the sconce lights serenaded me as I swiftly walked the carpeted floor. Plant leaves swayed as I hurried to the elevators.12
I hated the elevators. They always smelled of lemons, vomit and day old sweat. I caught myself in the glass doors wrinkling my nose at the smell. Time also seemed to creep, like a slow worm, when I rode them. At last the bell dinged and as soon as the doors were opened far enough for me to slip through, I did. 13
Waiting in slot two-hundred and fifty-five was my reliable, but somewhat beat-up white Corolla. Dependable, without standing out in a crowd, my Toyota was the best. I just wished the darn radio would stay where I programmed it to. I patted her affectionately before sliding in the driver's seat. 14
"Wonder what music I'll be listening to this dark and eerie morning?" I asked myself in the silence of the parking lot. 15
I checked to see if my Bag of Tricks or BOTS was stocked before starting the car. BOTS was full of everything I would need, including money if I needed to get away. Directions for the job were clearly written on my pad of paper I kept on the passenger seat.16
I had always wondered who was fast enough to write the address on the paper in a locked car. I probably always will.17
Getting to the site wasn't difficult. I'd seen the name a couple million times when reading the newspaper. Mr. and Mrs. Grossman, Carter and Lily. Mr. Carter Grossman had made his fortune in real estate in the early 2000's, when the market was at its best. Lily Ann Fossen had married well. Both in their mid-forty's. Enough said.18
Apparently someone didn't like the wealthy couple. A hit gone bad. That's why I had been called. No one called me to show me they'd done good.19
The Grossman's penthouse was, of course, on the east side. The upscale side of town. Beautiful people, gorgeous places of residents.20
Finding it wasn't hard. I'd been thinking about upgrading and Wall Avenue looked like a good enough place. As if I could really afford it. I sighed, but a girl can dream.21
The job was good. Good pay, great benefits. No one tried to kill me, no one ever took notice of me. Maybe that's why I felt reluctant as I walked through the lobby.22
The doorman was sleeping. His snores were like a small chainsaw in the distance. The lobby was full of plants. Big leafy potted foliage sprang up from urns, surrounded by smaller ferns. Their long arms swung with my passage.23
I should have felt relieved as the doors of the elevator closed in front of me, but even the cold walls couldn't squelch my nervousness.24
My only comforting item was my BOTS hanging from my hand. Everything I needed was at my fingertips, well almost. Sometimes I had to search for the item.25
So with my Bag of Tricks at my side, the doors closed and I had only to do my magic. Magic being a loose term. I had acquired my 'magic' by means of seduction and trickery. There really was no other truthful way of putting it. I had literally slept my way to the key.26
The feeling of disgust washed over me as I slipped the deceptive key into the penthouse slot and waited for the car to start moving.27
The memory of the acquisition of the key was never easy, but each time I used it I made myself remember. After being introduced into the 'club', I had been given a long and drawn out training. As if Closing would be hard. I'd been cleaning for people anyways, just not to this extreme.28
Kale Gardener had been my instructor. Wide shoulders V'd into sturdy hips that made every woman lick her lips and say yum. He was one man that got under your skin and stuck like a burr to a dog's leg. Strong willed with deep, wishing-well brown eyes, ones you could emerse yourself in and not come up for air.29
He'd not fooled me, at least that's what I keep telling myself. I had taken him for a ride, not the other way around. I was the one he sought and I played hard to get. Only giving in when I knew he would give me what I wanted, needed.30
I'm not beautiful, I know that. I'm pretty, that I can admit, but if I am persistent I can get what I want or need. I needed that key. Not all Closers are given one. I don't know why, they just aren't. I knew that if I were to make this job work I was one of those that needed it.31
So here I was riding the penthouse elevator up to an assassination gone wrong. This is where my job started.32
Author notes
Part of one Chapter one is done Yay!!! for me
Edited 7/2/08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 52 of 52
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A really riveting read and I look forward to the following instalment.
A few tiny suggestions.
1st paragraph - 2nd sentence - I'd say; I only remember because I was really enjoying the dream/
paragraph 14 - I think you meant where and not were.
paragraph 22 - I think you meant of and not off.
paragraph 25 - from and not form.
Also, consider yourself HOODWINKED!
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More hO.Odwinked? I'd like to know who set this in motion.
But thank you. Have fixed those and thank you
Brooke
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A great introductory chapter giving quite a lot of detail about Raisa.
I enjoyed the wonderful description of Raisa and the brief backflashes as she thinks back on how she acquired her 'key'.
The "rainbow clock" intrigued me so much, I'm thinking of looking around to see if there are any on sale
Another thing which drew my attention was the use of one of your 'favourite' senses (para 13), that was done to perfection
I was chuckling when I read about the Bag of Tricks (BOTS) as this is, as you may well be aware of, an English euphemism of butt.
I see that others have picked up the nits, but I do have one more suggestion:
p31 - closers - should this be capitalized?
A great beginning to what is sure to be a great story.
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Thanks for pointing that out and yes Closers should be capitalizer
I have fixed that.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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You've got me
I'll have to keep reading to see what is going on. Great job
#13 far [enough] for me to slip through
#22 ever took notice [off] me
should be of
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Thanks Tricia. Can't believe I left a whole word out there.
I have fixed those and I am glad you liked it
Brooke
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P.14 I think 'were' should be 'where'
P.22 I believe there may be one 'f' too many in 'off'
P.25 Maybe "form' should be 'from'
I think that's the end of my 'picky' stage
I really enjoyed this chapter, its tight, well-formed and begins to focus the reader on the character of Raisa.
You have me intrigued
Lis.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks Lis, I've fixed those terrible mistakes. Stupid mistakes.
I do thank you for reading this and I am glad you liked it.
Brooke
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As an introduction its great. Held my interest well. You showed the places this young lady went with good description and detail. I am ready for the next episode to see what she does. I can't offer any constructive critique at all.
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I loved this part. I thought it said alot about Raisa. Strong, determinded, broken background, etc... But an all around good person.
Glad you liked it
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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I did enjoy the fact that you used the time - to transistion the main character from point A to point B - for some introspective exposition. You give the reader two sets of information - a brief overview of how she got to where she is (career-wise) as well as her present job-at-hand. A good introduction to a first chapter.
Oh... and this has been a friendly neighbourhood ho.odwinking, consider yourself
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Thanks again for reading this part. I just hope the rest is as interestng
Ok, now where I am hO.Odwinked at? Not that I don't love the attention, but its not my week
Thanks
Brooke
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I'm sorry, but that information is... classified.
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That answer is similar to one I got earlier. It a conspiracy I tell you
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Now that infers a nefarious scheme of some sort...
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It does, and that makes me very suspicious I will get to the bottom os this
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On part 22 In the 2nd sentance, i thinkyou might have had a typo, "Off-Of" I might be wrong, thats all up to you. Other then that, thats all i got. This was really good. I liked the Idea, and the plot of the story! I enjoyed this, great job!
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Hmm .. I'm not disappointed. Good writing all around, but then I always say that ..
What I mean is - I see the title, and it captures my attention. Closer Raisa - that's originality for you. I had no idea 'closer' was a job descrription.
As Geri said, Raisa is very attuned to her environment - you descibe every thing she sees and interacts with, as well as the thoughts that run through her head, and they meld together to form a narrative that wouldn't let me go until I reached the end of the page, at whence the last line made me want to race to the next one ASAP.
Well paced, and well thought out - this has the makings of an intriguing novel. (I'm not even sure what to call this - thriller, suspense, scifi ... which is why I'm going to continue.)
RJ
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Lots of visible activity for a first person narrative
Hi Brooke, you have a terrific opening chapter here. It immediately catches the reader’s imagination. Of course at first Raisa comes across as something other than what she is
. JMHO it could be my evil mind 
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Lots of visible activity for a first person narrative, with limited back story that allowed information to slip in without drowning the reader
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I know how far you went with this tale and I think you could develop it into a great novel.
Some things you need to look at;
I cracked open an eye and noticed my phone doing it's (its) pretty light show.
At last the bell dinged and as soon as the doors were opened far (enough) for me to slip through, I did. 13
(At being) Dependable, without standing out in a crowd, my Toyota was the best.
. Directions for the job were clearly written on my pad of paper I kept on the passenger seat.16 (curious? When did she get the instructions? Not the three words from the call?)
I had always wondered who was fast( fast? Maybe clever?) enough to write the address on the paper in a locked car. I probably always will.17 (okay partly explains my first question but not completely.)
No one tried to kill me, no one ever took notice off (of) me.
My only comforting item was my BOTS hanging form (from) my hand.
Strong willed with deep, wishing-well brown eyes, ones you could emerse (immerse) yourself in and not come up for air.29
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5.
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I like how you are writing this. Not progressing too fast as some might be tempted to do with this type of genre. I think it will work for the type of story you are writing as I can see so far. And i also like the fact that you let us into secrets but keep much back and let us know you are keeping details back. cool
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This isn't the usual type of story that I would read, but this was very interesting. I stumbled onto your fourth chapter in the featured section, but I was lost as how it connected to the bigger story. So, here I am.
Your character is unique, and you use first person with her. That is different from most longer stories that I've read. Just a warning though. If you start with a first person account, please continue with the story that way. First person draws the reader very close to the character and third person gives a bit of distance. Be sure you know how well you want us to know your characters.
Write On!
Beth
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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Thank you for reading. I know that if it's not your type of story it is sometimes hard to finish. I know I have that problem too, but I am glad that you decided to finish reading this part.
While I don't normally do a first person/third person story I wanted to challenge myself and see if I could write out of my norm and this story all around is wayyy out of my norm. I'm a fantasy writer most of the time.
In this story I felt Kale needed to be heard and so wrote it like it is.
Again thank you for you suggestions and comments. All is appreciated and considered.
Brooke
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I like the writing style you used with this story. It comes across as no-nonsense, but not all jaded and cynical. Kind of an experienced voice, maybe a hair on the tired side, but not moaning and whining at all, as if your protagonist is telling this story to me from, say, a hospital bed where she's recovering from the end of this story. Haha. I really like it, and I'm so going to read them all now!
I couldn't help but see these:
P12, passed/past; scones/sconce
P13 caughth/caught
Also, this sentence: "I caught myself wrinkling my nose at the smell, in the mirrored walls." It looks like the smell is in the walls (which, in a nasty elevator, can certainly be the case). You're probably going for the reflection getting caught though. Maybe put "in the mirrored walls" after "myself"?
P22, reluctent/reluctant
P28 giving/given
Also, you're missing a word in "As if Closing would hard."
P29, wishing well could use a hypen, and emerse/immerse
Can't wait to read the next part.
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Yay!!! got those typos fixed. Thanks again.
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Great story in the making, I think.
There are so many different directions you could take this story. I anticipate (with much pleasure) a lot of twists and turns.
Keep up the good work.
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Thanks for reading and I really hope you will continue to do so.
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Great Story
I was tired when I started to read this, but I'm glad I kept goimg.I decided to read your first chapter because it's been in my motes for about a week. The kids are on school holidays here in Aus land and god it's hard getting on the computer.
I enjoyed it very much, even though I was tired it kept me reading and wanting to know what job assignment Raisa has got her self into.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Julie
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.
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I am getting so bad at getting back to ppl. Sorry about that. Thank you so much for faithfully reading my stuff. If you want me to read something of yours send me the link. I am so distracted right now that's the only way I'll remember.
Again thanks for reading
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There are a few small spelling mistakes here and there, stuff like ti's instead of it's and the like. Nothing much. But I like this =) Im glad I read the finished version, its awesome. I think you kind of slip into passive voice here and there, but it still leaves me wanting more. Good job =)
~Aura ♥
(Ps sorry for the odd responce. Its 3 am here.) -
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You're fine. I give odd comments now and then again and I can only blame on children screaming in my ear. I'd much rather it be because of the lateness of night
Thanks Aura for rereading this. I think I caught all the passive switchs (have to watch out for that in this next one, I'm sure I did it there too) and the spelling errors are fixed.
Thanks again for reading.
Brooke
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'graph 13: You slip into present tense with the sentence "I catch myself wrinkling my nose..."
'graph 14: "programed" should be "programmed"
'graph 17: I had always wonder(ed) who was...
'graph 18: real-estate should be two words...no hyphen needed.
"when the market was at (its) best."
'graph 22: "no one ever took notice (of)f me."-->off should be of
'graph 25: "Everything I needed was at my fingertips, (well) almost."--->just a bit of a typo
'graph 26: "by mean(s) of seduction and trickery."
Wow, this was a really good chapter! Even better than when I read it the first time. How interesting...I posted a story about a bumbling assassin to the list this week and you post this! Very interesting...after reading your other stories, this was a bit of a shock to read! That's a good thing..unexpected!
I like Raisa, and I must say being a closer seems quite interesting work. I'm a bit confused about the key you mentioned toward the end. This was the key for the penthouse elevator, yes? And yet, it worked on all/most jobs? That part confused me. Perhaps I just misread it.
Brooke, can't wait to read more of this. Very, very cool stuff. Check out the typos up above and keep posting! -
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I'm afraid in the next part I've slipped into the passive voice a lot. Which is weird because I never write like that. Maybe the story is trying to tell me sometime
. Anyways, I fixed what you pointed out and I hope a caught all the passive switches.
The "Key" is a master key. Works for all locks.
Thanks again for rereading.
Brooke -
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Master Key
Now, that's an interesting idea...I like it, should really make this interesting as the story progresses.
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I loved it very misterious and it keeps you reading very well done congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks for stopping by and reading. Glad you are enjoying it.
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yay! still up to par with the mystery- but more detail to draw us in. Loved it.
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Thank you, thank you *bows* thank you
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I like the beginning (strong, secure arms, eh? sounds nice ) and I like Raisa's character. I can tell she's going to be fun to play with, even though I'm not quite sure where this story is going yet (other than the fact that it may or may not involve killing people and making it look like an accident *laughs*). I hope you choose to continue it - you have me a bit intrigued.
Notes:
* Para 2: Personally, I'd skip the "Oh" in the second sentence, but only because it makes your narrator sound a bit flighty and I get the impression that she's actually very down-to-earth.
* Para 6: Maybe it's just me, but I feel like "Hello?" deserves a question mark. I know I'd be questioning the presence of someone on the end of the line at that point.
* Ok, color me a moron or something...how the heck do you pronounce Raisa?? *laughs* In my head it's Ray-sah. Even close?
* Para 8: "twenty-something girl" should be hyphenated.
* Para 9: The first sentence isn't actually a sentence. Even if you added an "I was" before the wondering, it would make a bit more sense.
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Fixed those typos and added some more, hopefully without typos
thanks for reading and I think you say Raisa like rah-EE-sah or something like that. It's Russain taking from the Greek meaning more relaxed.
Brooke
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So far so good =) I like this, I can't wait til you finish. Sounds like an interesting job for a "twenty-something girl" as you described her =) Keep writing! I didn't notice any mistakes in thi so good job.
~Aura ♥
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Thanks Aura. I am really excited about this one. Maybe I can even finish it
Brooke
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Brooke
AFter so long, I managed to find a recent story you've written (and not a multi-parter that has the newest chapter up x.x but yeah, I have to read lots x.x *has been gone for SO long*)
What IS happening? I usually have such a short attention span that I would rarely finish reading something if it does not interest me.. but this one piqued my interest. Obviously, she does dirty work.. but why? and how? Hahahaha. So many questions maybe the next chapters will answer that?
Btw..
I have a couple of suggestions, if it's alright?
"arms" - I thought ot was used a bit too much, but that might be a personal preference x.x
"I cracked an eye" - maybe I cracked open an eye? Not so sure x.x
Anyway, I hope this was helpful... even in the slightest way
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Soda *hug*
Ok I see what you mean by too many 'arms'. Will have to do something about that. And cracked open an eye sounds better. Thanks for pointing those out. *salutes*
In the one before this, it tells what her job is. The beginning
Thanks for reading this. And I'm glad you are back.
Brooke
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So she's off for her next 'closing'. Sounds like she's ready at any time. Now we get to see how she works.
Amusing beginning with the dream and the phone lights.
As Phil said, hook us up!
It sounds like things are about to get interesting.
Greg
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:P
I will see what I can do for you (and Phil) be patient with me though. But I do have an idea where this is going to go.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Holy crap! You've got to finish this! I have to know what the hell is happening. This sounds very cool, and I can only imagine (and my brain is running wild with the possibilities. C'mon, Brooke, hook us up!
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Oh Phil
I will see what I can do, just for you and Greg
I hope that I can hold up to the standard you seem to have me in on this one.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke -
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No pressure! LOL
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hmm........ so many possiblities, too hard to guess. Guess I'll just have to keep reading. lol, this is awesome.
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Yep
I've got an idea was were this is going to go now. So it should be fairly easy to keep type out the chapters
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Its good!
You immediately got me interested with the first paragraph, and the rest of it was really interesting too. I want to know what the call meant and wheres shes gonna go. The last 2 or 3 pargraphs really helped me visualize the character, and you did a good job with the rest of the descriptions as well. I would definetly continue to read this if it was like the prologue or the first chapter of a book.
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Thanks *grin*
Thanks for reading this and for thinking it was any good
Brooke
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