Silent Lake

I stand here on the edge of what seems to be nowhere.  But I know I've seen this place somewhere before.  Somewhere in my dreams I suppose.  The soft spring air tickles my nose as my beautiful daughter, Kelana, runs about in the grassy meadow behind me.  She's so beautiful.  Long brown hair, quiet brown eyes, just like her mommy I suppose.  Her father died three years ago.  It tore my heart into a thousand pieces.  The love of my life was taken away from me in the most gruesome way possible.  Now I am left with nothing, except my beautiful baby girl, and a new life that I must venture out to find.  Kelana told me she always wanted to vacation at a lake.  She's eight years old now and decided a vacation was best for the both of us.  Why she chose a lake 350 miles away from where we reside is beyond me, but it is beautiful, I'll give her that much.  "Mommy, Mommy look! It's a dragonfly!!" I silently smile at her and laugh.  She's not afraid of anything.  She's my brave little solider and my entire life.  Well, since after my husband died.  Before that they were both my world, my everything.  It's almost as if apart of me no longer exists.  I almost begin to fade off into another world when I am distracted by something that forcefully jumped out of the water.  I lean in and squint waiting for the creature to jump again.  My brain has to be reassured my eyes just saw what they did.  It was a fish, I swear it was.  But the damn thing looked...huge!  I could have sworn it was pink and orange, and...my god what the hell was it??  1

Kelana ran up behind me and grabbed a hold of my leg.  "Mommy what are you looking at?"2

"Nothing sweetheart, nothing important."3

"Mommy?"4

"Yes dear?"5

"You aren't thinking about daddy again are you?  Cuz you know you start to cry if you do and we're supposed to be having fun here."6

"No baby, I wasn't thinking about daddy."7

Then with my loving reassurance Kelana proceeded back to the meadow to run around.8

I stared at the crystal clear water confused.  But instead of wondering exactly what had just happened IN the water I found myself thinking about my late husband.  It's so hard to lose the one you love, especially when you don't know how you lost them.  That's right.  I am not actually sure how my husband died, I was only told that he died while on a job vacation.  They never explained how, or why, or even comforted me in any way.  They told me, and hung up the phone as if nothing had just happened.  But in reality, my life had just been snatched out of my hands and I wasn't even ready for it, I don't even know how it happened.  I'm still pissed off at the person who called me, which I have no idea whom this person was.  Just someone calling to tell me my husband had passed away.  Son of a bitch.  I wanted to ring his throat and make him see how painful it was to be told the love of your life has been permanently removed from your family.9

Tears began to fill my eyes.  Goodness, I can't cry now, I have to be strong for my little baby girl.  I'm not so sure that she understands really what happened.  She maybe old enough but I think she's ignoring it for her own sake, which is fine by me for now.  10

Do you have any idea how much it hurts to lose the one you love?  I was with this man for 14 years.  My whole life was in his soul and the second he died, so did my world.  I just wanted to kill myself after he passed away.  But Kelana needed me.  She needed me to be strong which is so hard to do because I loved him so much.  Wait, what am I saying? Love.  I love him so much.  I've never stopped loving him, nor will I ever.  It was true love, and he promised to love me until death do us part, and it did.  So does that mean he doesn't love me anymore?  My god.  Does my husband still love me??  I don't even know if he has any emotion anymore, or love, or...11

Goodness what am I doing?  I'm speaking of him as if he isn't deceased.  My beloved husband...My soul...my life.  Gone.  I just wish I knew why god had to torture me this way.  He took away the only thing that made me smile when I awake in the morning.  The only thing to make me laugh when things went completely wrong.  The only thing to make me feel good inside when I wanted to rip myself inside out.  I loved him more then my own life.  I would have taken his place.  Please god, just give him back to me I'd do anything to have one more night, one more kiss, one more dance, one more "I love you".  Please.  I don't think I can live another day knowing he isn't here.  12

And lord...if you can't bring him back then please...tell me why he's gone in the first place...13