Kari stared out her bedroom window, thinking about the cracks in the glass and how they had gotten there. She could remember the day but only certain bits and pieces.1
A guy from Kari's school had been thrown against her window by some gang members and they continued to bash his head on the window until it cracked. Thinking she could do something to stop the gang-bangers, Kari ran outside yeilding a pair of drumsticks.2
"Hey, knock it off!" Kari yelled. The gang-bangers turned to face Kari and all of her previous courage drained away. She became engulfed by fear. She dropped the drumsticks and they clanked on the concrete.3
The gang-bangers let go of the guy and he fell limply to the ground. They started to advance on Kari and she slowly backed away.4
"Stay away from me." Kari said, her voice barely above a whisper. Her foot came in contact with an uneven piece of ground and she fell. Her short brown hair flopped into her eyes. The gang-bangers continued to come after Kari but she couldn't move; all she could do was wait for them to attack her. But the blows never came.5
Kari slowly opened her eyes and saw the gang-bangers attacking the poor guy again. Kari ran inside and called the police. They arrived in less than five minutes and took the gang-bangers away in handcuffs.6
"Are you okay?" Kari asked and helped the guy up.7
"Yeah." He replied. "Or I will be anyway. Thanks for helping me. I'm Austin."8
"You're welcome. I'm Kari. It's nice to meet you, although the circumstances could've been better. Do you wanna come in? I can give you some ice for your nose."9
Austin nodded and Kari led him inside to the kitchen.10
"Here." Kari said handing the ice pack to Austin. "How's your head?"11
Austin ran his hands over his head and through his long dirty-blond hair. "It's fine." Austin smiled.12
Kari thought of that day a year ago and a tear rolled down cheek. That was the day she found love. The reason she was crying now was because of a day a few months ago.13
Austin lay in the hospital bed looking terribly fragile. Kari sat in the cushioned chair next to Austin's bed and gently stroked his cold pale hand.14
"Why did this have to happen?" Kari whispered through her tears.15
Austin had been submitted to the hospital two weeks before because of some problems he'd been having with his head. It turned out that those gang-bangers had caused some horrible brain damage when they beat Austin's head against the window. The brain damage had been there for so long and had gotten so severe that there was nothing the doctors could do to help him; he was going to die.16
Since recieving that horrible news, Kari had spent every spare moment in the hospital with Austin.17
"I can't believe this is happening." Kari whispered. A tear fell from her eyes and landed on Austin's hand. Austin's breathing was short and his heartbeat was slow. Today was the day.18
"I love you Austin." Kari said and gave him one last kiss before Austin left her life. Forever.
A contest entry
- Titles and Ideas! by Caledonia.
234 points, ended July 4, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Many Options! by detty.
450 points, ended July 5, 2008, 23 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Emotional by moonwriter.
550 points, ended July 15, 2008, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Teen Contest by writeroftoast.
475 points, ended November 25, 2008, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - love story by Abbiee.
175 points, ended January 4, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This was a little clichè but the idea was good. I definitely think you could have made it longer though, like expand on the idea. This seemed like more of a summary than a story. Good write, though. Good luck in the contest!
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This was pretty good, but I didn't feel a strong emotional pull. You didn't describe the emotion enough. I didn't know who Austin was until the very end. That was not a good thing. It took away from the story and made it a very dry read. I didn't care about him. Why should I? The way you first described him he was just some random guy who was, unfortunatley, killed. I didn't even feel bad for him.
Giove some of her past with Austin and don't rush the story. This was quite rushed and didn't really make the reader feel for any of the characters. Also, your transition between the present and the past wasn't very smooth. It was too sudden. The entire story overall was too rushed. You didn't give enough thought or emotion. I wasn't impressed.
And the last kiss? Cliche. Give it some imagery, emotion, and detial. Extend this and tell me a better story.
I know this critique was a bit harsh, but I promised honesty. And this is my honest opinion. To me, it was only okay. -
Short, yet the way it was written still clearly put across the strong emotions of this piece. (: It's so sad that people we love have to die, but often it happens. I think you wrote this pretty well! (: Nice one!
Thanks for entering! -
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Thanks. The title basically wrote the story for me. Strange how that can happen... once I had the title, everything just kind of flowed.
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You told so much in such a short story. Love gained and lost, violence, bravery, hope, and death all in under 500 words simply amazing.
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Wow. Such a painful death. Banging his head? Ouch! That's a nice story. But it's tragic. Keep writing, but thanks for the comment ill work up to it>3
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this is very well written. i dowish it was longer though. but anyways i love this story. good luck in my contest and tanxs for entering.
-Caledonia
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