Quick note: I am a fifteen year old girl. My mother passed away when I was two years old of a heart condition no one knew she had. This one's for her.1
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Blond hair flitting about in the wind, blue eyes gleaming a young girl giggles. The sun hangs high in the bright blue and cloudless sky, it's about noon now and still the girl sits in the grass smiling as her younger cousins tackle and play with each other. But then a sadness creeps into the girl, when their mother steps out side and both young kids scream, 3
"Mommy! Happy Mothers Day!"4
And go running to her open arms giggling as they practically tackle her in a hug. Tears pool in her eyes threatening to over flow, and ruin this once happy Mother's Day she shakes them away and stays sitting in the grass. The other's retreat into the confines of the house, and still she sits thinking to herself.5
"Mother...where are you now? Why did you leave me?"6
The words escape as do sudden tears. The girl curls up into a ball and cries. Her face buried in her knees, the sobs echoed into the empty air around the girl. The softly another noise is heard, the light sound of feathered wings beating against the wind. The feet landed in the grass, a woman clothed in white, with wings of light folding against her back. Her hair shade of dark mahogany brown, and eyes a glimmering shade of icy green. 7
"Jessi? My daughter..."8
She speaks moving towards the girl. Jessi, stands quickly spinning around. Tears streaming down her face she shakes her head starring in bewilderment at the woman before her.9
"No. No. Way....mom? MOM!"10
She cries running to her mothers arms. Hugging her she refuses to let go, the sobs uncontrollable shake the girl. The angel runs a hand through her daughters hair, holding her close to her.
Author notes
God said, "Let there be a light." and Forgotten Tink(me) said, "If willy gets the willies does nelly get the nillies?"
A contest entry
- From the Realms of Heaven and Hell by H.A.Johnson.
525 points, ended July 29, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - the unsimple challenge QUALIFYING ROUND by DemApples.
100 points, ended October 26, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
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TITLE = 2/2PTS
STRUCTURE = 26/30PTS
FLOW = 13/15PTS
CHARACTERS = 16/20PTS
IMAGERY = 18/18PTS
DESCRIPTION = 4/5PTS
SETTING = 6/10PTS
total = 85/100 -
:']]
dude this made me cry.. its sooo sadd im sorry that had to happen to u :/ -
This is beautiful. Short but moving, its descriptions are vivid enough to pull you into the scene and it has much feeling to it.
I would like to just point out a couple of grammatical bits and pieces and a quick correction or two if I may?"The sun hangs high in the bright blue and cloudless sky,"
I think this line could be made a bit smoother - either drop the blue or the bright, most readers will be able to fill in the blanks: "The sun hangs high in the cloudless blue sky," or "The sun hangs high in the bright and cloudless sky,". I would also make that a full sentence to seperate it from the next phrase - change the comma to a full stop.
"Tears pool in her eyes threatening to over flow, and ruin this once happy Mother's Day she shakes them away and stays sitting in the grass."I would suggest dropping the comma after 'flow' and moving it back to 'eyes': "Tears pool in her eyes, threatening to over flow and ruin this once happy Mother's Day. She shakes them away and stays sitting in the grass." And also change the comma after 'Day' to a full stop to break up the sentence.
"The words escape as do sudden tears."
The 'as do' here doesn't flow so well, perhaps change it to with, or along with, or maybe rephrase entirely: "The words escape as sudden tears well up in her eyes" or some such.
"The girl curls up into a ball and cries. Her face buried in her knees, the sobs echoed into the empty air around the girl"
I am always a bit wary of using the same word to describe something within the same three sentences - it gets a little repeptetive and breaks up the flow. Try changing the word 'girl' in one of these sentences (probably the latter) to something else, perhaps 'her' or 'she', and see how much smoother it flows.
"The softly another noise is heard"
Slight spelling error - should be 'then' instead of 'the'.
"The feet landed in the grass"Maybe this should be 'on' the grass as against 'in'.
"Her hair shade of dark mahogany brown, and eyes a glimmering shade of icy green."
Missing an 'a' between 'hair' and 'shade'. Could probably use a 'was' in there too. And perhaps drop the second 'shade' in that line: again, the reader can substitute the blank there well. "Her hair was a shade of dark mahogany brown, and eyes a glimmering, icy green."
"She speaks moving towards the girl."
Personal feeling but I think perhaps this could do with a little bit more description. Show rather than tell the idea that she is moving across towards her daughter. Short sentences are great for building tension and describing action, but I think that the emotion of this piece would be better served by drawing it out a little bit. For example: "Moving softly as she speaks, she glides closer to the astonished girl. Her feet make barely a whisper as she moves across the grass."
"Jessi, stands quickly spinning around."
Again, a few ideas for this line. This time you have something short and sharp happening - a quick, startled reaction to the Angels appearance. Keeping the sentence short and sharp to match is good, as you have done, but I would consider the choice of words. 'Stands' is a very common word, it implies that she simply moved to her feet. By choosing something that evokes an idea of emotion or shock in the mind of the reader you could give the line a bit more of a kick - 'jumps' for example, or 'scrambles' perhaps. One might 'jump' or 'leap' to ones feet it one were suprised of a sudden by something: "Jessi, jumps/leaps quickly to her feet, spinning sharply around." Whereas one would 'scramble' when startled or momentarily frightened: "Jessi scrambles to her feet, spinning around on the spot." Do you see what I mean? The choice of word can change the feeling of a single line if used correctly.
Tears streaming down her face she shakes her head starring in bewilderment at the woman before her.
At this point I would also try to draw out the emotion a little: add a bit of information on how Jessi is feeling, when she starts to cry show it - it goes along the 'show don't tell' line. "Tears streaming down her face she shakes her head starring in bewilderment at the woman before her." Try bulking this bit up a little: "Tears begin to stream down her face..." And then add why - does she recognise this woman? What thoughts run through her head in that instant? Does she perhaps take a step back at first, not sure what to make of the sudden appearance before realising that it really is her mother and not a simple apparition? And so on...
I hope that these ideas are helpful. I really do like your story and I wanted to give you some ideas that might make it that little bit stronger. It really is a wonderful story. It has much potential as a short tale, and a lot of good, strong emotion. ^-^ Well done, and thank you for sharing it.
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