The Troubling Disease

The minute Kiara walked into her usual homeroom class, she knew something was out of the ordinary. The dark brown desks with the chairs conjoined gleamed brightly with cleanliness. That was the first thing, the desks and the classrooms were never clean. Never. The second thing was the entire classroom was empty, no students, no teachers. Kiara raised an eyebrow and sat at her usual desk, thinking maybe nobody had come to school yet. Her desk smelled strongly of disinfectant and custodian mop water. She pulled a novel she had been reading out of her book bag and began skimming the pages, wondering where her classmates and professor were. After about twenty minutes of waiting, Kiara glanced at the clock. 8: 30, it was time for school to begin and still nobody was there. She collected her belongings and walked down the hallway, looking into the other classrooms. They were all deserted too. Was she the only one who had come to school? Kiara let out a high-pitched scream. 1

Kiara woke up in a cold sweat, her forehead clammy. She let out a huge sigh of relief, good, it was only a dream, she thought. She pulled back the covers and raced downstairs to see who was awake. Her mother was cooking scrambled eggs on the stovetop, the new fancy one that she had insisted they buy, even though their old one worked perfectly fine. Her father was reading the sports page, sipping his coffee and eating a bran muffin. Her little sister, Lydia, who was only five years old, was sitting at the table, fork and knife in hand, waiting for her breakfast to be served. Great, everyone was up except for Jenny, Kiara’s older and rather annoying sister. She had turned gothic just a few months before and she wore chains and all black clothing. She had even dyed her hair black and red, which her parents did not approve of at all.2

“ Good morning, Mom, Dad.” Kiara mumbled, as she sat down glumly at the table, next to Lydia.3

Nobody answered her, but Kiara didn’t care. She gave them both glares and rose from the table to make some toast for herself. She popped some bread in the toaster and waited for the dial to stop spinning, when the toast came springing out. She loved watching that. Kiara grabbed the toast, slathered on a thick layer of margarine and ate silently. As she was eating her toast, the doorbell rang. 4

“ I’ll get it.” Kiara groaned, again, nobody responding.5

She opened the front door, and stepped aside. It was a salesman, a stupid salesman. 6

The salesman looked about Kiara’s age, with a buzz-cut and dark brown eyes, that were so gorgeous. Kiara stared for just a moment, as the boy offered some ginger snap cookies for a buck or two. 7

“ Uh, sure, we’ll buy some.” Kiara said, getting a dollar from her father’s coat pocket, hanging on the coat rack near the door. Kiara usually never bought anything from salesmen, but there was something about this boy that touched her in a way. Like the boy was reading her mind, he introduced himself. 8

“ I’m Luke, Luke Smith.” the boy replied.9

“ Kiara, Kiara Roberts.” 10

She held out her hand and he shook it, smiling and looking into her eyes. She handed him the dollar without taking her eyes off him and ate the ginger snap cookie.11

“ I live right across the street. I just moved here, my mother is making me go around the neighborhood, selling her homemade cookies, don’t ask why.” Luke said.12

Kiara giggled and blushed. “ Believe me, I understand family, and they can be totally weird sometimes.” For some reason, Kiara still couldn’t stop looking at Luke.13

Luke smiled and said, “ Well, thanks for making a purchase, you’re actually the first one to buy cookies.”14

“ Good to know.” Kiara said shyly, grinning.15

They said goodbye, and Kiara closed the door, smiling dreamily.16

That morning at school, Kiara couldn’t wait to tell everyone about Luke. She assumed she had a crush on him, but she couldn’t be positive. She told her friends Katie and Emma, at lunch, who said excitedly, “ Oh my gosh! You actually like a guy!?” Kiara never liked guys as more than friends and Emma and Katie were just the opposite. They were always scoping for guys in the hallways, just waiting for them to go by.17

“ You have to tell us everything.” Emma urged.18

“ Okay, okay, well he’s totally gorgeous, he has brown eyes and the cutest haircut anyone could ever dream of, he’s tall, he’s so hot!” Kiara exclaimed.19

“ Wow, Kiara, this sounds serious, are you going to befriend him first or flirt right away?” Katie asked.20

“ Flirt right away, duh! I was even flirting with him a little bit when he sold cookies today, when I first met him!” Kiara blurted out.21

Kiara got up from the table to dump her lunch tray, and Luke walked right past her! 22

“ Luke, what are you doing here?”23

Luke spun around in an instant and said, “ Oh, hey, Kiara, I go to this school now, since I live close.”24

“ That’s good.” Kiara blurted out, not thinking straight.25

“ I’m glad you admire me so much.” Luke replied shyly, blushing and grinning from ear to ear.26

Kiara squealed in delight and without thinking at all, she threw her arms around Luke, squeezing him in a tight hug. 27

Luke hugged her back, putting his arms around her waist. They stayed like that for a few moments, squeezing each other tightly.28

After the hug, Kiara asked, “ So, I guess you feel the same thing when we’re together as I do, huh?”29

Luke blushed and admitted, “ Yeah, do you want to sit with my buddies, I already told them about you.”30

“ Awww…” Kiara said. “ You’re so sweet.”31

He grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the table.32

Kiara followed and gave her friends grins behind her back. She sat down shyly at Luke's table. All of his friends were the very sporty, jocky, athletic-type.33

There were three guys sitting at the table. One was very tall, and he was sweating, holding a basketball and wearing a jersey. Another one of the guys was short, fat, and obnoxious. He complained about everything. The third and final guy was the shy type, sitting off at the end seat , silently reading a novel.34

Kiara looked at each of them, and introduced herself. " I'm Kiara."35

All three of the guys looked up and smiled. " Got a girlfriend, Luke buddy?" the fat one snapped.36

Luke smiled blushed, and said, " Maybe soon."37

Kiara grinned and looked over at him. Underneath the table, Luke grabbed Kiara's hand and squeezed it suddenly and tightly. They looked at one another in the eyes again, and a warm feeling flooded over both of them, all of their anger that had ever occured to them in their lives washing away.38

After lunch was over, Luke pulled Kiara behind a wall of the cafetiria to talk to her alone. He took her hand again and said, " Kiara, I'm in love with you, I don't know if it's love at first sight or what."3939

Kiara smiled and agreed. " It's love at first sight." She kissed him gently on the forehead, while they both embraced.40

" But... there is a problem, Kiara."41

" What?"42

" I am growing ill."43

" What do you mean ill?"44

" My doctors say I have a tumor growing in my abdomen."45

Kiara gasped, not knowing what to say.46

" I have to go to the hospital today to get it checked out, but by god, I do hope I am okay."47

He kissed Kiara on the lips, embracing her again.48

Kiara felt tears running down her cheeks, she brushed them away silently.49

That afternoon, Luke went to the hopsital, not having any idea what to expect.50

Kiara begged her mother on her hands and knees to go see Luke and find out how he was doing. Her mother caved and drove her to the hospital. Kiara's palms sweated, and she was shaking on the way there.51

Her mother dropped her off in the parking lot and she made her way to the huge double-doors of the hospital. She went to the front desk, and there was a lady with eyeglasses reading a magazine behind it.52

She looked up from her magazine. " Yes, may I help you?"53

" Um, I need to know what room Luke Smith is in."54

" Room 312, third floor." the woman replied, as she looked it up on her computer, smiling.55

Kiara thanked her and got on the elevator, pushing the button for the third floor. She was sweating so badly and her heart raced so loudly, she could hear it.56

She stepped off the elevator and made her way down the long corridor of rooms, pretty much all of them empty. This reminded Kiara of that dream, all alone, trapped, nervous.57

She stopped at room 312 and pushed open the door, taking a huge breath. Nobody was in the room except Luke, who was lying in the hospital bed, looking miserable as anything.58

His face was pale white, his hands were clammy and cold, and his forehead was covered with icy sweat.59

" Luke!" Kiara shouted, running to the bed and kneeling down, burying her head in the hospital sheets.60

Luke smiled weakly and said, " You came to see me."61

" Of course I did, why wouldn't I?" Kiara asked, tears running down her cheek. They ran into her mouth, giving her a salty taste.62

Luke ran his fingers through Kiara's hair and said, " Kiara, I might not make it much longer."63

" No, Luke, you can't do this to me, you just can't!"64

" I'm very sorry, Kiara, the tumor is too large, it's eaten up much of my body already, they say my heart could stop at any given moment." Luke, too, had tears running down his cheek.65

" I can't lose you, not this early!" Kiara yelled.66

Luke said, " I'm very sorry, but always remember, I love you, Kiara."67

He kissed Kiara's lips for the last time and smiled again weakly.68

" I love you too." Kiara said through tears.69

The heart monitor stopped, everything stopped, the world stopped. Kiara collapsed on the ground, crying in agony.70

Kiara had lost her true love, her only love. But, she always knew she would love him no matter what happened in the future.

Author notes

I chose the option with the ending that would make you cry, hopefully anyway!! The main character, Kiara, I made kinda like myself, because I have lost a best friend in a similar way as this, but we were not in love like in her situation. I can totally relate to Kiara and I like that about my story. I hope you enjoy this!!

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Naive.
    August 8

    Edit | Reply
    It was a very sad story and I like the emotion. However, I think you could definitely work on making this more realistic and slowing down the pace. The pace was so hurried and the story rushed so much that there wasn't a lot of suspense and it didn't feel realistic at all. Overall, you wrote this really well and you've got a great idea. Just needs a little work. =]

    Thanks for entering and good luck.

    -jj


  • Rhubarb
    August 2

    Edit | Reply

    Awwww!

    That's so sad, they were the perfect couple. Perhaps try and make the story a bit longer so that the pacing is more realistic. In real life, you wouldn't tell someone you loved them, but you were ill straight the way. I agree with the other people: perhaps they should have spent more time together before he died. The end was a little cliche, but maybe if the story was more of a novel, this would work!

    You didn't go all soppy, which was great. It was still a good story. Good luck in the competition!


  • Intrepid
    July 26

    Edit | Reply
    This was intersting... it was rushed in a few places but held my attention very well... I love the good old efalling in love and a slight heartbreak... tear jerking story o.o

    good luck thanks for entering
    blair


  • Wildstar
    July 17

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    Lol, this was very sad at the ending, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. But I have a few suggestions that could make this so much better. First off:
    ___________________________________________________________________
    "She collected her belongings and walked down the hallway, looking into the other classrooms. They were all deserted too. Was she the only one who had come to school? Kiara let out a high-pitched scream."
    ___________________________________________________________________

    I don't get why she screamed. I mean, sure the whole school was empty, but what if it was like a holiday she didn't know about or something. Seriously, overreacting is not good. I would have her look around the school, then maybe see them all dead in a classroom or something. THEN she would definitely scream.

    Okay point number two:

    ___________________________________________________________________
    " But... there is a problem, Kiara."41

    " What?"42

    " I am growing ill."43

    " What do you mean ill?"44

    " My doctors say I have a tumor growing in my abdomen."45
    ___________________________________________________________________

    Okay, now I know he's like sick and stuff but you made him say it too soon. If he didn't tell her and then he like wasn't at school a few days she could like go to his house or something and ask his mom/dad/sibling or something. Then THEY would tell her. It would be so much more dramatic. I really like that.

    Also, I believe in love at first sight because I have felt it, but I have always kept my feelings inside for at least a week. She told him too quickly.

    All in all this was a good story. I really understood it completely. Good characters, good storyline, excellent. Good luck in the contest!


  • moonwriter
    July 15

    Edit | Reply
    Sorry. I wasn't anywhere near crying. I might've had this stroy been better written. Everything was way too rushed. The characters fell in love too quickly. I believe that, in stories, love at first sight can be pulled off, but this wasn't pulled off. Everything happened too fast. You gave very little character development and little reason to care. If you'd built up their relationship at least a litte, things would have gone better.

    If you want to read an example of a good story with a sort of love at first sight thing, read Tiger-Lily's Entwined. Maybe you can see at least a little where you went wrong.

    The characters didn't have time to build a substantial relationship. You didn't even describe the feeling of love. Add more description and detail. More character development. I didn't care about them one way or another.

    This wasn't bad, but it could have been better. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's just some constructive criticism. After all, I did promise honesty.


    • Katty
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      Jeez, I defnitely didn't expect this comment! OUCH! I love this: " IF you want to read a good love at first sight thing, read Tiger- Lily's Entwined??" A GOOD story? So, you're basically saying my story is crap?? And then you say at the end of this lovely comment, it's not bad??? that doesn't make sense when not two minutes before that, you were criticizing it! And you didn't care about the characters?? Sorry, but that's going a little too far. I guess I didn't expect this much critiscm.

      *KAT*

  • A nice tale of young love found and lost.
    I feel it would have more impact and feeling if it were expanded a bit. It felt rushed.

    You could add more about the character's personalities and a little more time spent together. The family breakfast seemed strange. You could add some small bit of conversation. If Luke were that close to dying there should have been a nurse nearby watching or listening for the monitor.

    That's just my opinion but I feel it would make for a stronger and more heart tugging story.
    Good luck in the contest.

1 - 7 of 7