It seems like such a trivial thing to be doing at this moment but I sniff the back of my right index finger, taking in the smell of a long eaten meal. Pinching the tip of my nose between my thumb and forefinger I savour the momentary lack of air intake as I wipe the excess, dried mucus from the front of my nostrils. Mud squelches beneath my feet and the leaves around me rustle playfully in the light wind. Shifting my weight slightly so that more is taken by my calves I take the opportunity to glance out from my leafy hiding place.1
At the end of the path a young man turns the corner, heading toward me. There is nothing unusual in his appearance – a diamond pattern jumper with beige slacks covering a pair of converse. The strap of a red backpack is visible over his left shoulder and he is busy reading a message on his mobile phone which he holds in his right palm. From here I’m almost certain that I’ve never seen him before, perfect for my intent.2
Slipping quietly forward I take up a position close to the edge of the trees that provide me shelter. I’m not too far forward that he will notice me, even if he takes his eyes off the message long enough to check where he is walking. I move my left hand quietly to my belt, I can hear his footsteps clearly now, and slip my Winchester from its place and hold it loosely. He’s getting closer; I can hear his breathing.3
As he reaches my position I slip from cover and wrap my right arm around his shoulders while my left hand brings the knife around to the flesh of his abdomen. He sucks in a great gulp of air as I force him to double over the blade, pushing it deeper into his stomach. He no longer has the strength to support his own weight and begins to lean against me, his backpack slipping from his shoulder to the ground.4
Gently I retract my dagger and lay him softly on the ground beside his bag. Its contents do not concern me as the thrill of the kill causes me to shiver with excitement. He is unconscious now, or maybe already dead. Either way he won’t survive, I’ve made sure of that. Sucking in a lungful of the night air I turn back to the trees and slip into their shadowy cover. Someone will find the body in a few minutes, maybe even in an hour, but, by then, I’ll be long gone.
Author notes
Maybe I'll try writing a female murderer in the future. For now I just settled with my own gender.
A contest entry
- Give me your best work! by Forgotten Anomaly.
750 points, ended August 7, 2008, 36 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Excellent.
I enjoyed reading this piece immensely. Your details and style are superbly done, and the story in general, although short, was rather captivating.
You do however seem to editorialise a bit, which distracts you from making this piece as intense as a murder generally should be.
Example:
"Pinching the tip of my nose between my thumb and forefinger I savour the momentary lack of air intake as I wipe the excess, dried mucus from the front of my nostrils." - Be wary of unnecessary terms in long sentences. Take out "between my thumb and forefinger". What else are you going to pinch your nose with? Or "from the front of my nostrils". Your nostrils are at the front of your face as it is, no need for the term 'front' really.
But that's just my opinion. Remember it's your story, so you do with it as you see fit.
I would definitely like to see you write from a female's perspective. Not only because i have a thing for femme fatale content
, but it's also a challenge to do so, and i'd like to see how you handle it.
All in all, a very enjoyable read
Keep writing.
Yrs.
Azaradelle.
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Hey, thanks for the comment and sorry for the delayed response (for some reason I don't get the notifications about comments.) I agree with your point about the opening lines but I ended up leaving them in because I wanted to write something more than just around the murder itself. I'm not a big fan of stories that hold back on aesthetic descriptions.
As for your suggestion - I've thrown together a very quick story involving a female murderer but it needs some more work. You can read it here if you like - http://storywrite.com/story/248154
I've got a few other stories in the pipeline so it might be a while before I get the time to iron out the kinks.
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This was wonderfully writen, packed full of descriptions. So many wonderful descriptions that I could pictur them in my own mind. You slid into the murderers mind and made the story seem so real. This is really a wonderful story, short perhaps but masterfully writen. Thank you for entering my contest.
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Description. My god, the description on this baby. It is a beauty, and you got into the killers head so well that I believed it with every fiber of my being. That's having the goods, to get the reader convinced you know what you're talking about. I also loved the way you said things:
"Pinching the tip of my nose between my thumb and forefinger I savour the momentary lack of air intake as I wipe the excess, dried mucus from the front of my nostrils."
You went the extra mile to say what was happening instead of just saying: I breathed, I liked it, then I wiped my boogers." You don't sound lazy either in this. Great work! I'm off to explore your other stories.
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