The maze of lies

To be told that's it better to have loves and lost than never to have loved before is always a concept that I can not quite believe, yet I have told people the same thing time and time again. I tell them that that special person will come eventually to take away all their fear, all their pain, and they will never have to go through it again. Though it slightly consoles me to say it to them, as if trying to convince my soul not theirs. My Prince Charming always turns out not to be quite so charming. Instead of a beautiful carriage ready to take me away to where life  is so easy, it just gets harder. And every single time I have another blow to my heart that blow kills me slightly more inside.1

I don't quite know if I can take any more blows from this, I'm cautious these days, I don't give away my heart, I guard it until I think they can be trusted. I know the true value of the word love and will not say it until I believe deeply inside me that I mean it. But that word seems to be the cruelest of all. Love. Love needs to be spat on the way that a guy spits and churns the word out of his vicious little mouth, just to betray the word, to betray you. To lead you in to a deep labyrinth of lies just to leave you part the way through. To have trusted them so much that you would jump in front of a bullet to save them, yet now you need to struggle on without them through the maze, trying to feel who you are anymore. To see the pure spineless wreck you have become and having to crawl out of the gutter to try to find the light. That will briefly pass unto your lips, then leave as quickly as it came. 2

Yet you are still told by everyone just to move on, like it is so easy to take those precious moments that seem to be burnt onto your memory. Maybe I feel more than other people, since while they move on, and I watch after another picture yet turns up online of them and their new girlfriend. To know how much they care, how those little messages that we once passed are not so special anymore. What the new girl has seems to be more. Paranoia, envy, the feeling of worthlessness that seems to overtake your body and your mind as you brood over those pictures.3

But yet you still can't move on, as they happily celebrate and shout about a new girl, you are left in the gutter. Giving up hope, not knowing what to do panic settles in. Running around the maze, not knowing where to go, the nearest direction comforts you. The lack of thinking seeps through your body like ecstasy as you relish in the idea of maybe not being quite so lost anymore. You see another light a way in the distance. And though you pray that this light will protect you from the evils of your past, you never know. But you stumble blindly and hope and dream. And hope that one day as your sitting in your tower that your prince charming comes.4

One that will never lie, cheat or mess you around, the one that will only steal your heart and treasure it like the precious gem it is. The guy that will get you in his carriage and though you may have a bumpy ride sometimes, the one that you know will Always be there for you in those awkward times. The one that seeks no other except for you, wipes away your tears and will love you forever and a day.5

But as I sit here in the darkening room wondering of my fate and trying to reassure me there's light out there, secretly I know there isn't, there's only hurt. And as I slowly try to piece together my broken heart I realise that maybe throwing away my heart would be the simplest thing to do. To lock it away in a dark coubard so not even I could break it anymore...6

Time slowly passes.7

I'm still stuck in the maze.8

The dark sticks to my skin.9

The light is nowhere near.10

My skin has lost all sensation.11

My eyes are blind.12

I'm staying in this maze and not getting out.13

Because I'm too scare of who lies in the next courner.14

To scared to see or feel.15

I will happily stay blind.