He was almost eighteen. In about another year or two he would be. He was tall, lanky and pale. The type of pale that happens after centuries of no sunlight. He was beautiful. Fair skin, hair the color of blood, and a personality to die for. Or at least he could be that. His hair was matted with blood that had long since dried. He was filthy. He needed a bath, fresh clean clothes, and sleep. He couldn’t remember when he’d last eaten. His skin was deathly pale. He’d lost a lot of blood in the last month. 1
He was cramped, lying in the tiny cage. It was actually a pet carrier. His Master had shoved him into it earlier that morning. Now he was stuck watching the people that walked by his cage. He’d been abandoned at the corner of an intersection. He couldn’t read the street signs from where he was. He judged it to be about mid-day. The sun was overhead and baking the little covered cage. He kept his bare skin away from the metal door. He was thankful for this small shelter. Even though it was hot, at least he wouldn’t burn for a few more hours. 2
He slept most of the time, trying to drown out the ridicule from the passing strangers. The reality that he was going to die kept him awake. His throat had given out hours ago. He’d screamed since the moment he’d woken up and found himself trapped. As the sun came closer, he mustered up the last of his dying voice; screaming for help one last time. His squeaky voice failed completely as his demise began to finally sink in. 3
It’s over. I’m going to die. A fine way for me to go out. Locked in a fucking cage by a hateful bastard of a Master. Got to admit though, this is a creative way to kill me. God this sucks. I have got to get out of here. Heartless Bastards! Why won’t you help me? I swear if I get out of here, every last one of you is dead! Please, please let me out. Some one have mercy on me. I promise if you just let me out, I’ll change. I’ll stop drinking blood. I won’t kill… C’mon! Shit-4
He turned over, curling as far away from the cage door as possible. A tiny ray of sunlight grazed his temple. He buried his head in his arms. His arms were covered in long sleeves. He could feel the smothering heat trying to blister his skin against the cloth. He was glad for this one small mercy. His last look on life was about to kill him. It was kind of ironic.5
Voices came from outside. Orders flew in the air like bullets. It was dark within his cage. He could see a barrier of cloth separating him and the sunlight. What the fuck is going on?6
“Okay! Careful! Don’t let that blanket slip! Easy. Pick it up carefully. Zeke, I’m warning you. If you drop that cage I will send you to hell in pieces!” 7
Yea Zeke, don’t drop me. Who’s the chick giving orders?8
“Set it in the car. Easy. Easy. Do you fucking understand me? I said Easy!”9
The cage shook and he rattled with it. He cursed violently. His voice hoarse from the screaming he’d done. A moment later, he hit the ground.10
“Zeke? What the hell is the matter with you?” The female demanded. Her voice sounded so close to his cage. 11
“There’s something in there!” Zeke stammered. 12
“No shit. Really? Maybe that’s why I told you to be fucking careful!”13
“I’m not touching that cage ma’am.” Zeke replied. 14
“Zeke, pick it up, and put it in the car.” She hissed. 15
“What if it bites me?”16
“Cages don’t bite!”17
“What if whatever’s in it does?”18
“Then you could possibly die. Pick it up.”19
“No, Ma’am.”20
“Zeke.”21
He felt his cage being lifted again, then being dropped. Again. Being tossed around like this was causing bruises on his delicate skin. 22
“Happy?” Zeke snarled. 23
“Get. In. The. Car.” The woman snapped. 24
He could hear car doors being slammed. When the car started, he was shoved against the front seat. Shit. Who the fuck is driving and what the fuck is their hurry? 25
“Zeke, you better get your ass in control. I am not putting up with your macho shit.” 26
The car ride there was finished in silence. Whoever this woman was, she didn’t seem to be in control of Zeke. He was afraid that he might be in the possession of another Master. The car came to a screeching halt, and the doors opened. He could feel the car shake as Zeke slammed his door again. His cage was jerked upward and he was knocked into its side. The woman was silent. He wished they would remove the blanket. 27
“Where do you want it?”28
“Set it down in Rika’s room.”29
“You’re going to put this thing with Rika? Are you fucking insane?”30
“Would you prefer I put it in your room?”31
It grew silent again. He was beginning to not like the long periods of silence. Who’s Rika? Is it a girl? God let it be a girl, a nice sweet girl. When are you people going to let me out? Or at least remove this goddamn blanket. Zeke dropped the cage. Once again he hit the side of the cage roughly. God I fucking hate this guy. 32
“Can I…”33
“Get out Zeke. I don’t want to see you for the rest of the night.”34
“Mistress…” 35
“Go.”36
You are a fucking asshole Zeke. The door slammed and he winced. His heart beat quickly as he realized that he was alone with her. A sharp knock came at the door and he was afraid that Zeke had come back. 37
“Mistress?” An unfamiliar voice called softly. The knock came again. 38
“Yes?” She snapped. It appeared that Zeke had put her in a bad mood. 39
“Can I come in please?” The male’s voice asked. 40
“Um… Sure.” She replied. The door opened, and then closed. 41
“Mistress. I ran into Zeke in the hall, he said you were in a foul mood. Do you mind if I’m in here?” 42
“No, actually you could help me.” 43
“Gladly Mistress… What’s in the cage?”44
“Honestly I don’t know. I saw it on the side of the road. Lift the blanket slowly.” 45
The male did as he was told. He readied himself. The artificial light blinded him and he blinked a couple of times. He felt like a rabid animal waiting to attack. She bent to look into the cage, and seemed startled to see him. She let her eyes look over him before she opened the little metal door. 46
Sitting back on her heels, she waited patiently for him to move. He stayed crouched where he was, remembering that there was one more person in the room with them. He wasn’t going to run out of the cage like a madman; it was too easy to plan a trap that way. Besides he couldn’t run even if he wanted too. She sensed his unease and sat perfectly still. 47
“Rika. Come sit beside me. Put your hands in your lap, face down. Don’t make any sudden movements.” 48
The young man came into view and he watched him hungrily. Rika sat down next to her and did as she told him. She watched him patiently and cautiously. Rika looked interested, excited. Rika wore a pair of Capri pants and a tank top. Both of which were black. He was bare foot. His toenails painted a delicate shade of pink. His hair color was a mixture of blond, black and blue; it was cropped short around his jaw line. His fingernails were black and pink. 49
She, on the other hand, wore a sleeveless black corset. Over that she had on a fishnet dark-red long sleeve tee shirt. Her black pants were snug against her body, and a very old faded pair. Her boots had two-inch heels on them and came to about the top of her knees. Her nails were long and black with little red moons on them. Her hair was past shoulder length and had red highlights.50
He felt trapped. The boy looked easy; the girl would be a problem. Okay… so I’m looking at three people. Two guys and a girl. The girl is definitely the Master. Zeke sounds like the bodyguard type, which is a big problem. I don’t want to fight the freaking hulk. Maybe I could take that guy hostage. He looks like he’d fold easily. He’d make a good snack if nothing else. I should wait this out, who knows what they’re going to do. His thoughts ended, as the woman spoke up.51
“You can sit in there all day if you want. Personally I would think it’d be damned uncomfortable.” 52
He froze. Trying to quickly weigh his options. He had to come out; question was did he want them to force him out? She sighed. Rika shifted his weight quietly. She didn’t want to sit on this floor all day. 53
“Please?” She asked her voice calm and even. She hated this part of the job. He decided to come out. Carefully he crawled out of the cage. His body protested at the movement. He stared at the beige carpet, as his body trembled. 54
“Feel better?” Rika asked, trying not to smile.55
He looked up, his face bruised. Where it dripped from his temple, the blood was making a small puddle on the carpet. He was on his hands and knees, his head raised to look at them. 56
“If that’s from Zeke, I’m going to kill him.” She whispered. 57
He began to shake his head, when a wave of dizziness passed over him. He vomited, coughing up even more blood onto the carpet. He swayed weak from heaving. Rika jumped up, grabbing him before he fell. 58
“Aww, shit. Hang on kid…” She muttered, as they lowered him onto the floor and turned him onto his side. She grabbed the medical kit from under the bathroom sink. Rika had thrown a blanket over him by the time she got back. 59
She knelt by him and groped for a needle in the kit. He began to jerk, his body spasming. Rika grabbed his arm and held it still for her. She injected the clear liquid into his translucent skin. As it coursed through his veins; he stilled, his eyes fluttering. He was on the edge of unconsciousness.60
“Will he be okay Mistress?” Rika whispered concerned. 61
“I hope so; he looks like hell though…” She watched him for a moment longer. She checked his pulse, making sure he was going to survive. Quietly she motioned for Rika to help her lift him onto the double bed. 62
“Rika, keep an eye on him. If he wakes up before I get back, try and keep him calm. Anything happens, come tell me.” 63
“Where are you going Mistress?” 64
“I need to have a word with Zeke.” 65
That was the last he heard before he passed out. As he slept, his mind raced with uncontrollable urges and thoughts. During the night, he tossed and turned painfully. No! Stop! It’s not my fault. I didn’t mean to kill her. I was just hungry. Please! I beg of you, don’t do this! Forgive me… please I’ll do anything. I swear… I… NO! He tore him self from those memories. He was conscious of the warm bed that he was in. His body felt raw and beaten. He could hear someone breathing. He snapped awake, his eyes wide with fear. The room was dark, the covers bunched around his waist. He was nude. His eyes focused on the silhouette of Rika. Shit, what happened? Where… Has he been watching me all night? God, I don’t like this. This boy is fucking creepy as hell. 66
“You okay?” Rika asked from across the room. He stared at Rika numbly. 67
No, of course I’m not okay. I don’t know where I am. I’m naked and hungry. I woke up in a strange room with you watching me. I feel like shit and I’m now in the possession of yet another Master… other than that I’m peachy fucking keen. The door opened as he stared at Rika dumbfounded. The woman walked in and smiled at the two of them. She seemed happy. 68
“Oh good, you’re awake. Did you sleep well? How do you feel?” She sat down carefully on the edge of the bed. 69
He gave no response as he looked from her to Rika. His mind was fuzzy on what had happened. He had the feeling that he wouldn’t like to find out either. 70
“Can you talk?” she asked gently. 71
He nodded and moistened his lips. He was uneasy with her this close to him. Rika still freaked him out. It wasn’t normal the way he stood there… 72
“Who are you? Where am I? What happened to my clothes? What are you going to do to me?” He croaked. 73
“My name is Ameka. I own this house. You’re here because you needed help.” She replied. 74
“What are you going to do to me?” He whispered.75
She shrugged. “I haven’t decided yet. If you can walk, you are welcome to a shower and some food. I would love to stay and talk with you more, but unfortunately I have some rather pressing business to attend to. “ 76
“That’s quite alright ma’am. I won’t intrude in your house much longer. Thank you though, for your hospitality.” He replied as he struggled out of the bed. She and the young man Rika exchanged a look. 77
“I’m afraid I didn’t make my self clear. You are not leaving… at least not alive.” She left the room quietly with out another word.78
Rika stood there quietly as the young man, Tarius managed to get up. Tarius was breathless; it had taken him a lot of strength to get out of the bed. 79
“What did she mean by not leaving?” He asked, perplexed. 80
“You’re her slave.” Rika replied.
In a list
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Haha, this was very good, poor Tarius *sighs* I would have loved to have been the one to have saved him.
Ah well, I think I'll be reading more of these. Interesting interesting... -
excellant description of him. Gave a full image in my mind, making me relate well to him. Again, i enjoyed the way he thought to himself so much. Kept me feeling like i knew him and was feeling his pain while in the cage.
I liked his flashback. Gave the subtle hint to a backstory that i am interested to know more about.
This was definately a good start to this story. I found that i was engrossed through it all and will definitely be reading more from this.
Thanks for the wonderful read...
Durian

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It's a pretty good start. Some polishing would help a bit and you may want to cut down on the swearing a bit - you can still get the point across with that much foul words. Other than that though, it was a good read. Great job.

. Rewarded 4
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OMG! There were a few gramatical errors but other than that everything was great. I really liked your description of things and the expression you gave the characters at times. I really like this story and I can't wait to read the other chapters!


. Rewarded 4
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the beginning needs work....don't explain him rihgt off.....you need something to drag us readers in....
. Rewarded 4
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you've got a good start here. Watch being repetitive though. You've got some sentence fragments through the chapter too, which makes the story feel a little stilted.
Thoughts should either be in italics or single quotes to make them stand out from the rest of the story. This adds more dimension to what you're trying to get across.
I think you could have left off the 'at least not alive' for a little bit. having her voice trail off and leaving him wonder why and what she means would have a deeper impact. You've got a good idea here. It needs some polishing as ... if i'm to assume he's a vampire, he wouldn't actually have a pulse. You might want to add more infliction to their voices though, they seem to all be talking in a monotone with no emotion.
Otherwise it's a good read, i'd be interested in seeing where this goes.
. Rewarded 8
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thank you
Lets see, Yes- there is more. I'll post a few more chapter in a little while. Tarius is a vampire- good eye there Aarkaine! Thank you Moon- Lit, I'm not sure I'd say its the best, but I do love this story.
Jacobea- I know. I appear to have that short sentence syndrome. Sorry, I'll try to work a little harder at fixing it. But, not sure how that'll go. I'm not ignoring the suggestion though!
Thank you for all the cool comments, makes me feel special to know that people are liking the characters. -
OHH, dark, I like it!
Are you writing anymore? Cause i would definitely read that as well.
I loved it, very good, I'm guessing Vampire? The sunlight part was kinda a give-away...
The last line was the best, that got me really excited.
. Rewarded 4
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thats probably the best vampire story i have read on this site. You are really talented


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the second part is up, if you havent already seen it. thanks, this is one of my favorite stories. My other favorie is Second Chances, sounds so conceited to love your stories- but, I do. lol.
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“You’re her slave.” Rika replied.
I'm hooked
That was really good-rich description, wonderful flow and pace. I could really feel the pain the caged boy felt, and the other characters felt pretty damn real too. Great start!
One thing though-some of the sentences in the two paragraphs felt a bit abrupt and in need of joing up to me, put that's just my opinion

. Rewarded 8
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