Doubt

Aaron Keenan paused, frowning to himself. Well, damn. That's inconvenient. He had been walking home from work, just like any other day, when he discovered a very un-routine occurrence in his path. Watching dirt dribble between the metal teeth of a ravenous earth-mover as it ripped the street apart, Aaron decided it was time to pick an alternate route.1

Should I take the short-cut? The athletic young man was far from weak, but he knew it was best to be off the streets before dark. Once or twice in the past, he had made use of a jogging trail that cut right through Andrews Park, shaving half an hour off the trip. But didn't someone just get jumped back here? Aaron hummed to himself, scratching his forehead. It won't be fun dodging traffic downtown, but getting mugged or killed would be a lot less fun.2

The path didn't do much to advertise itself. The park was heavily forested, and while the trail itself was clear and well-maintained, blackberry canes and other, less identifiable foliage formed gnarly thickets to either side. Aaron spotted three ideal spots for an ambush just standing at the entrance to the path. 3

Making up his mind, Aaron turned his back on the shortcut and made his way down Cutting Street, taking a left at Scorpion Way to make his way around the block, thus dodging the construction work. The shaggy-haired blond flatface scowled, wrinkling his nose against the smoggy fumes rising from the rush-hour traffic beside him. This is one time I'm glad I don't have a nose like a long-face.4

Suddenly, Aaron felt a warning sensation in his gut, heard the tiniest rattle of something bearing down behind him. The pedestrian leaped backward into a side alley, just in time to avoid being hit by a bicyclist barreling down the sidewalk. 5

Aaron leaned forward, starting to shout something indignant after the bicycle rider. 6

As his mouth opened, however, a hand clamped quickly over it from behind. Simultaneously, something sharp pricked his throat. 7

Knowing he was in trouble, Aaron tried to run, to fight, to do something, anything. But a black abyss seemed to open at his feet, sucking away all will to run, to struggle, to cry out... and finally, all will to do anything at all. 8

Aaron sighed, falling into the hungry darkness.9

---10

The black-gloved hand drops the syringe immediately, both arms leaping out to catch the young man as he sags into unconsciousness. Ah, diazepam, the empty one sighs in satisfaction. 11

He does not wait long enough to look left and right. That would be a mistake, would alert anyone watching that Bad Things were afoot. Instead, he quickly dragged the unconscious man further into the alley. After about ten yards, a door appears in one of the alley walls. Here the syringe-wielder stops, resting the drugged man supine on the filthy asphalt.12

One leather-clad hand dives into his coat pocket, returning with a primitive, carved bone dagger. The empty one turns this fetish over and over in his hands, gazing down at it with adoring intensity. Then he pricks his own finger with it.13

He paints a symbol on the door in his own blood, a three-tiered spiral inside a square shape, itself encased in waving lines. 14

The door swings inward. A rectangle of ivory light falls outward, shattering the shadows in the small, enclosed space. 15

Grabbing Aaron's arms at the wrist, he drags his captive through the door. 16

It shuts behind them without a sound.17

---18

"I'm allergic to pollen," the empty one said. 19

Aaron's eyes flickered open, blinking away groggy cobwebs. Cold air tickled his genitals, and he realized, in a slow, dreamy way, that he was naked, lying supine on something cold and hard. Deep inside, a dim memory of being in desperate danger reverberated, but somehow, Aaron couldn't bring himself to care anymore. Lightheaded, feeling as if the world was tilting and spinning around him, Aaron squinted, trying to focus his eyes on the blurry human-shaped figure standing before him. The rebellious organs refused to cooperate; he couldn't even make out the person's gender or species. 20

All Aaron could see were white walls. White shelves stacked with unidentifiable objects. Pure, radiant whiteness, immaculate and generic.21

Did I fall? Did that bicycle hit me? Am I in the hospital?22

"I said," repeated the blurry figure, "I'm allergic to pollen."23

Pollen...? Did I hear that right? Am I still asleep?24

Aaron's eyes then turned traitor once and for all, sliding shut against his will. The jaws of the earth seemed to gape wide, sucking his consciousness back down into the infinite silence.25

The empty one shrugged, favoring the young man with a gentle, forgiving smile. "Oh well," he said, and turned toward the shelves, leaving Aaron to his drugged slumber. 26

He had work to do.27

---28

Delve only feels alive in the White Room.29

"Is this love?" 30

The empty one queries this aloud to himself, drawing one filed-sharp claw along the red leather straps binding Aaron's legs to the table. Like bloodied serpents, the leather straps coil around the captive's ankles, knees, and thighs, caressing his pale Northlanders' skin. Midnight-hided leather adders, twin to the crimson ones, hold the arms and chest; echoing the room itself, radiant swan-white straps criss-cross the body and throat. 31

The coydog sighs happily, basking the caress of the White Room's awareness against his own. As always, it is a very solicitous place. Its clean ivory presence wonders, Are the bindings sufficient? Do they please you aesthetically?32

Yes, the hollow one decides. This is love.33

The bone knife is in his hand again, turning comfortably in his grip like a worrystone. Its eagerness thrums through him, begging him to plunge it into the flatface's soft, pale, unbroken flesh. Patience, Delve coos to the weapon, cradling it close to his chest. One more thing.34

With the infinite patience of the void, Delve crouches beside his well-bound guest. He draws the dagger's blade across the man's bare skin, playfully, almost lovingly, without leaving a mark. Every now and then, he rises to check a knot in the bindings, or to survey the items assembled on the shelves. An exotic dildo here, a length of heavy chain there. A few virgin candles. Knives of all shapes, sizes, and kinds. Innumerable torturer's treasures.35

Delve's big, droopy-tipped ears twitch as his captive begins to cough. Turning around, he discovers that Aaron's eyes are open again. A happy smile brightens the coydog's countenance, and he pulls up a chair, sitting down beside Aaron's pinioned body in order to look down at his face.36

The captive's eyes swim into focus and fix on their captors' face. No fear breaks through the emotionless mask on Aaron's face; like any Paradise City native, he knows better. The young man's eyes move from Delve's face to his own limbs. Automatically, without thought, Aaron pulls, testing the binds. 37

"Did she do that, Aaron?" Delve wants to know.38

A crack appears in the captive's poker face. "What?"39

"Did she test the ropes you tied her in when she woke up, Aaron?" Delve rises, pacing to the other side of the table. "I think this is how you did it, innit, buddy? I know you used GHB in a drink, not diazepam in a rig, but close enough, I think." 40

"I don't... oh my God." Terror shatters the pretense of ignorance. Wide blue eyes lock to Delve's own, disarmed and sickened. "How the fuck?"41

Ignoring his captive, Delve continues: "But she struggled, then, didn't she, buddy? She struggled, and begged. But you're not going to beg, are you, Aaron? Eh, buddy?" Delve hisses, moving back to his chair. 42

Aaron emits a low, horrified moan, squeezing his eyes shut, repeating, "No one knows. No one knows. No one knows..."43

The empty one rolls his eyes, reaching out to slap Aaron's cheek. The flow of noise immediately stops.44

"Don't lie to yourself, Aaron. It's not very attractive."45

Passing the bone knife from one hand to the other, the coydog drags it along the other man's abdomen casually, raising a line of tiny crimson droplets.46

"Like I told you before," Delve continues sunnily, "I'm allergic to pollen."47

Aaron, frightened and confused, fails to respond, stunned by the revelation that his secret doings aren't so secret anymore.48

"You should have taken the park shortcut, sweetheart." 49

Flipping the bone knife back into his left hand, Delve presses its tip into the space between Aaron's collarbones, dragging downward over the chest and abdomen.50

Time for buddy to reap what he's sown.51

---52

In reverent silence, Delve kneels beneath the ancient live oak. He leans forward, kissing the great old tree's gnarly bark. Then, with sacred solemnity, the coydog nestles his offering gently into the waiting nook between the oak's roots. 53

Delve rises to his full height before making a formal bow at the waist. He shivers a little, feeling the opioidic caress of the Ghost Tree's approval and gratitude. 54

The wind curls and whistles through the Ghost Tree's branches, setting Delve's offerings dancing and swaying through the red-golden gaze of the sunset. 55

Note to self, Delve decides. Flat-face ribs make pretty wind-chimes.56

Abandoning the bony remains of Aaron Keenan to their enshrined rest, Delve begins the long walk toward home, idly gnawing a rather large marrow-bone. Spiritual duty discharged, his busy mind is preoccupied with how to prepare the "wild game" in his freezer...57

---58

"I'm telling you, damn it, they went into this door!"59

Seth Greenberg sighed in frustration. At first, this had sounded like a promising lead. But, as was often the case, the witness turned out to have none too sound a grasp on reality. 60

"Look, I'm not trying to insult you, ma'am," the detective replied carefully, "but there's just no way the perpetrator used that door. Are you certain it was this alley?"61

The lizard that stood before him hardly reached the detective's broad chest, but this seemed not to intimidate her -- she gave an aggravated hiss, blue tongue flicking irritably, and stomped away down the alley.62

"Yes, Goddamnit, I'm sure! You fuckin' blue-backs never believe me about this! I've seen the asshole do it twice now! I guess I have to just fucking show you!"63

Before Seth could stop her, the lizard-woman's clawed hand wrapped around the battered, black iron handle of the old door. It swung open outwards to reveal a brick wall, and nothing else. 64

Seth, walking up to stand behind the woman, heaved a resigned sigh, shaking his head. All anger dispersed, the skink-woman stared at the brick wall in shock.65

"Ma'am, this building used to be a ... well, a brothel. When the site was... repurposed, they blocked off this door so that johns who didn't get the closure notice couldn't just saunter in anytime they felt like it." 66

No response. The woman's eyes, wide in disbelief, darted from the useless door to the detective's face. 67

"So you see, he just couldn't have gone that way. There's just no way..."68

Guiding the silent woman gently out of the alleyway, Seth's train of thought was interrupted by a sudden collision with another pedestrian. Startled, the detective stepped back, turning to face the other man with an apology on his lips.69

The other pedestrian, a thin young coydog bent down under the weight of a rather large backpack, shook his head, cutting off Seth's instinctive response. "My bad," he said with a friendly smile. Seth nodded agreeably, waving the man on his way, before turning back to the alley and the woman, only to find that his witness had vanished into thin air.70

"Great," Seth sighed in frustration. "There's an hour wasted. Gator's going to love this one." Walking back to his car, he shook his head. Saw a man drag an unconscious body into a door that opens on a solid wall. Right, lady. What's next -- I'm pregnant by aliens?71

Putting the car in gear, Seth pulled out of his parking space. The radio crackled, demanding his immediate attention. Preoccupied with his job, Seth paid no attention at all to the coydog with his heavy backpack, whistling to himself as he walked north along Scorpion Way. 72

Alone once more, unheard and unwitnessed, a gentle breeze gushed through the alleyway like a sigh. 73

The door pulled itself shut.

Author notes

I'd really like some feedback on this in its new form... hence why I'm using it for Option 5 in your contest, M.

I'm using the Evil Room prompt. I tried to include the room as as much of a character as any of the others, particularly at the end, but I don't know how well I succeeded. I really like the whole idea of an evil room, so it seemed like a good idea to reach back to the White Room for this prompt/contest. Hope this was what you were going for, Durian.

A contest entry

Does this go on too long? Should I include more of the gory part, or is it fine how it is?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    October 14, 2008
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    Odd and interesting.

    p16 (wrists)

    It seems that you have some odd creatures in this story. The flat face apparently tortured and killed at least one female. Delve acts as a vigilantee, but what did the lizard woman do?

    How did Delve discover what flat face had done?

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published

    Andy


    • intoothandclaw
      October 14, 2008

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      She witnessed Delve's attack on Aaron by accident, then called 911, that's all. She saw them go through the door which only leads somewhere if you know the way.

      As to how Delve discovered this particular flatface's doings, I never thought about that when writing this. He has several different methods of prey selection and I sort of subconsciously relegated that part of the story to "backstage" because I wanted to center the reader's focus on the irony of Aaron's decision not to use the seemingly dangerous shortcut, which could have saved his life.

      In short, he either uses his predatory instincts to pick other predatory personalities out of the masses, then follows them for a while in hopes of catching them doing something "actionable", as he calls it; or else, if he discovers evidence of a murder he didn't commit within his "stomping grounds" in the city, he does his best to scent-track the perpetrator and thus identify him/her. He also sometimes draws on news reports about criminals escaping conviction on legal technicalities, or notorious rapists and murderers getting surprise parole approvals, and that sort of thing. Aaron was most likely chosen from the crowd, or else he dumped a corpse in Delve's territory.

      I could easily do sort of a "prelude" story showing how Delve found Aaron out and Aaron's crime(s), to be attached to the back of Doubt to form one larger story, if you'd like me to.


  • Hellcat Metal
    July 21, 2008
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    I liked this! This was what I was looking for in this contest and your bad guy is kind of creepy. And of course he goes right on by the detective like a "normal" person. Love it! I read some of your long reply at the bottom and understand about the whole alternate universe and animal links. Great read and well written! Thanks for entering!

    • intoothandclaw
      July 21, 2008
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      I have to admit he's creepier in some of his other stories, but this was the one that had less bloodbath and more interaction, so...

      • Hellcat Metal
        July 21, 2008
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        I liked his character a lot and I did enjoy the interaction between the captor and captive. Keep up the good work and thanks again for entering.


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    July 13, 2008

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    It is a good scary read, with touches of humor

    Is this a case of when in doubt…forget it ?

    You have quite the imagination and put it to good use.Your characters are well developed; and the plot, while as old as mankind, has your unique touch that makes it unusual and interesting.

    You question the length? I don’t believe that is a problem here; in fact just the opposite seems to be the case. This story is being shortchanged. There is too much going on to be told in few thousand words.

    As it stands now you leave the reader with a lot of unanswered questions.

    Is this Earth, but not as we know it?

    Are the animal/human references just descriptions or has such a connection happened?

    Who did Aaron murder and why is Delve (the coydog) seeking revenge?

    That is just to mention a few that stick out.

    Then I got the strange feeling they were all hunters, on a world where there was perhaps a lack of protein? Of course that idea went down the drain when Seth the detective had to act so police-like--grrr .

    It is a good scary read, with touches of humor and what you have here is well written.

    beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 3, characters: 5.

    • intoothandclaw
      July 13, 2008
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      FWIW, several of those questions are answered in my reply to slashinguk just below your comment. I've written several short stories in this universe and I've done my best to convey my intentions, but it's becoming increasingly clear that most people are going to be confused by those parts of my short stories until I finally get around to writing the damn novels.

  • slashinguk
    June 30, 2008

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    Aptly labelled "Strange"

    This is certainly well-categorized as “Strange”.

    The tense shifts back and forth between past and present I first thought was a way to distinguish between current action and flashback, but the action appears to proceed linearly throughout (as in the past tense paragraphs 19 onwards, then again 59 onwards).

    Is there any kind of explanation for why all these creatures have become sentient? Are they aliens or have they somehow gained intelligence? I really don’t understand what’s going on here.

    That said, it is still a slick piece of writing with a unique blend of perspectives.

    Now that I’ve written my comment, I’ve taken a look at what others have written and nobody seems fazed by any of it. I’m guessing this is either part of a longer story, or a piece of fan fiction from some setting I’m unfamiliar with. In either case (unless I’m missing something fundamental), I suggest making it clear either with the story categories or in author notes. If I’m missing something, please let me know, because I found it very intriguing.

    • intoothandclaw
      June 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Ah yes, those two elements confuse people fairly often. Some people seem to "get it" pretty automatically whereas others don't, and I honestly have no idea what the difference between the two groups is. I'm still trying to figure out how to fix it.

      It isn't fan-fiction, and while it is part of a longer series of vaguely-connected stories (mostly by character and theme rather than plot at this point, though working to change that) I don't think I have any people who regularly read and comment on all of them so I don't think familiarity has much to do with it. Dunno. Maybe it just has to do with who's familiar with the concept of a "furry/anthro" already from other parts of the Internet, and who hasn't run into that concept yet.

      The tense shifting is thoroughly deliberate, but it has less to do with actual temporal shifting and more to do with the way the current "viewpoint character" thinks, emotes, and sees the world.

      All the characters are human, by the way. They're often differently shaped humans with a stronger connection to their animal past, but still human. (The entire ecology of the universe is different because I didn't like the idea of having anthro animals and non-anthro animals of the same species running around in the same world, because I wanted to do something more interesting than the "animal-people were genetically engineered" thing everyone always does.) It's an alternate-universe Earth, quite literally. The geography is somewhat different in detail but not in general shape and sweep; same with world history. The cultures are impacted by their more overt animalness, but not *too* different. America is still America even if, in this world, it was named Vesperigo, for example.

      This world kind of popped into being fully formed in my head about seven or eight years ago. I tried to argue the characters into being normal real-world humans but they adamantly refused. They would be written how they see themselves or not at all. Right now my "in-character" explanation for how they are is that in their world, evolution proceeded differently. Almost all true mammals, reptiles, and archosaurs (dinosaurs and birds) ended up small, intelligent, and wildly inclined to modify their environment in order to survive in a world filled with highly evolved therapsids, many of which are quite large, relatively fast, and not particularly stupid.

      That explanation doesn't really satisfy me yet, though, so I'm still working on it.

      Anyway, back to tense shifting. Some of the characters are more "human" than others, and, as in the real world, some are more mentally together than others.

      Aaron is a very human character, to the point where he didn't even manifest an animal identity. He's what Paradise City residents call a "flat-face", a primate -- very close to a real-world human, in short. Except they still have more apelike skull shape and teeth, flatfaces look basically the same as real-world humans. And just like most real-world modern humans, he thinks and sees the world primarily from a largely future- and past-oriented perspective. He thinks, essentially, in past tense, because he's mainly thinking about the future and the past, not what's going on right this second. He lives about as far from the Now as possible.

      The exact opposite is true of Delve, the coydog. Canines and psychotics both tend to live in the moment. Delve, being both, lives almost exclusively in the Now, with enough comprehension of the future to take anti-cop measures but little else, and basically no thought for the past at all. Also, he tends to focus a lot more on present details, images and such than saner beings with less acute senses. He thinks in present tense.

      Therefore, when I switch between their perspectives, I also have to switch tenses. Does that make sense?

      The "out of character" reasons for their animal traits are thus. Not only did they refuse to be written as anything but how they saw themselves, it allows me a few useful literary liberties to have them as "furries"/animal-people.

      First of all, I can talk about racism, in particular, but also other social ills, in much greater and deeper detail than I could otherwise get away with. It's harder for people to take offense when the fictional people involved are a step away from their own identity, if that makes sense.

      Second, I find the animalness a useful metaphor for overall character and personality. It's a deeper thing than the typical stereotypes about various animals -- I try to rely on the symbolic and real-life traits of animals in equal proportion -- and it also has something to do with where geographically the character or their ancestors came from. (Wolves are found just about everywhere in the real world, so wolf-people could be from anywhere, but lions are pretty specifically located in Africa, plus specific parts of Europe and Asia, so you're never going to meet a native South American lion in Paradise City, for example... unless you count cougars as lions, but anyway.) And their role in the story sometimes influences species-race as well.

      But for the most part it's about inner personality, the shape of the character's spirit, so to speak.

      As you can see, this stuff is *way* too long to put in the Author's Notes every time. But most of what I write is set in Paradise City and/or the Stained world (as I call it ) so some people definitely have just gotten used to it.

      What I try to do to convey the animal-featured-humanness of the characters is to describe them with animal terms, but show them doing human things with human appendages (hands) as well as animal appendages (tail, muzzle.) I had *hoped* that was the best way to do it, but apparently it's only about 50% successful/effective. Sigh.

      I am working on novel(s) set in Paradise City, so I guess readers will pick up on it as they go along, but honestly, these are problems I've been trying to figure out for years. Any insight as to how to fix them would be wildly appreciated.

      (And thank you for the genuine critiqual comment, too.)

      • slashinguk
        June 30, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        THAT is what I call a reply!

        Wow, thanks for taking the time for such a complete reply. You might write that up as a separate story entry "Background to Paradise City" or something and link to it from all related stories, so if someone wants to find out more they can.

        I had a similar dilemma with the world I've created for my character, Heisenberg's Shaman. I've only completed one story so far (The River) and had to slice up and introduce the concepts bit by bit. I think it may have interfered with the story, but you might like to take a look to get some ideas on how to get round the problem of imparting background information while still telling the story.


  • Migfin
    June 28, 2008
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    I adored this piece. I really, truly did. You use some unique phrases in your description, I could picture it all perfectly.

    I can't think of any criticisms for this, it flowed easily, each paragraph was linked together well and your style is so easy to read. You're an amazing writer, and this is definitely considered for the win =)

    Thanks for entering!


  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Still love it

  • Ladybug3151
    June 24, 2008

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    Very Good!

    I loved it! Nope, it didn't go on too long! This story turned out exccellent! Good luck in the contest! :-) (I have a feeling this is a winner!) :-)

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 24, 2008

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    Loved it!

    This was very well written, and you did a very good job depicting the Evil Room. Very well stated detail and thought environment. I enjoyed how each character seemed to think their way through each scene and that the man seemed to think of the room as something other than just a place. I know this is short because of the contest, but I would love to read it expanded. Like actually describing the murder or what actually happens to Aaron. I was slightly confused as to whether you were writing about humans or animals, but the terminology was entertaining to say the least. It was very well written grammatically, and I enjoyed the storyline throughout. It was a creative idea and I felt gluedJ So very well done! I enjoyed it! You hit the nail on the head

    • intoothandclaw
      June 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I added a bit to it. With this little scene added, would the actual torture/kill *really* enhance the story, or would it just be gratuitous?

    • intoothandclaw
      June 25, 2008
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      Oh yeah, I was going to go further into detail about Aaron's previous activities and the actual kill, but when I saw how far over wordcount I already was I forced myself to desist.

      However, if you really want me to... >D

  • Elegant Inspirer
    June 23, 2008

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    Its good writing. I read the whole thing I was completly lost the whole time. I would suggest maybe at the beginning explaining a bit. More about the characters and those around them would help. I'm not sure I'm on par with what you were goin for. I'm all for starting in the middle of the story idea but if its way to confusing I like to add a bit about my characters just to catch everyone up on what 'happend' even though this is technically the begining of the story. Maybe expound a bit on what "didn't happen" with Aaron.
    I followed the story line(as a whole) totally but it was in the details that I truely got lost.
    Anyway good write. I'm no editor but as a reader the details were a bit confusing but it could just be me.

    Elli

    • intoothandclaw
      June 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I didn't start in the middle of the story idea, though. The story is about one of Delve's trips to the White Room, not really about Aaron at all. The only reason the fact that he's a rapist is mentioned is that that's why Delve chose him to be his next victim.

      Honestly, I'm not sure why this came across as being part of a series, or something. It's totally standalone, written solely for this contest. It would help if you gave me more of an idea about what exactly was confusing and what you want explained more.


  • jacobea
    June 23, 2008
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    That was good and gripping It reminded me of where i live, oddly (about getting home before dark), although this is the more nightmarish version! You've described everything well, especially the bit with the two maniacs and Aarons's imprisonment.

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