Evolution of a Lie

This is the story of a little girl. The little girl lives with her mummy and daddy and she loves them very much. Her daddy flies planes so sometimes she is left alone with mummy, and the little girl doesn't like those times. When daddy left the little girl would watch her mummy get drunk and act strangely, but because the little girl didn't know it was alcohol she thought it was her real mummy. She didn't like her real mummy, because she scared the little girl. And the little girl couldn't run away because she was a little girl, and mummies don't hurt their daughters. So the little girl submitted to mummy, and let her hit the little girl. Sometimes, the little girl was made to take a shower with mummy and this was what she hated most. Mummy would touch her in all her private places that daddy said was hers only. The little girl believed daddy and tried to tell her teacher about how her mummy would touch her, but the teacher didn't believe her. Mums don't touch their daughters. Dad's do, she said. The little girl cried and sat by herself, not knowing what to do. When she got home mummy was 'herself' again and told the little girl she had to share mum's bed tonight. Fearing that she would get hurt, the little girl obeyed mummy and slept on daddy's side of the bed. During the night mummy had wrapped her arm around the little girl and she was very scared. So she got out of bed and slept at the foot of the bed. In the morning her mummy almost stood on her when she ran to the bathroom to throw up. The little girl was worried because when mummy was sick she was very angry. The little girl knew that obeying mummy would be the safest thing to do, so that is what she did. But when the little girl got home from school she got hit anyway, because it was her fault that her mummy was like this. The little girl didn't know any better. 1

As the girl grew older, she gave up trying to tell her teachers about what her mum did when dad wasn't home. Every time she had tried she was laughed at and called an attention seeker, because mums don't hurt their daughters. The girl had seen in the news that it was generally a daddy who touched their daughters and sometimes a mummy would touch her son. And so the girl grew to believe that because she was touched like a boy, she must be one. So she wore boy clothes and still her mum would hit her and blame her for all the mistakes she had made. And the girl's dad never found out because he was never home to see what actually happened. Because this was all she had grown up, the girl believed her mum. She told herself that she was a screwed up person. Especially since she was a boy who was forced to wear girl clothes for her mummy, because that was what boys did. The girl knew better, she saw that the boys her age didn’t wear dresses they wore pants and shirts. But the girl would get beat up if she wore boy clothes so she had to stick with girl clothes. She had tried at some point to be friends with the boys but they called her a girl. She said they were liars because she was. They said because the girl didn’t have boy parts she couldn’t possibly be a boy. She knew that she must be a pretty twisted boy, and believed that it was one of the reasons that her mum hated her. 2

When the girl began reaching the end of primary school she had given up on trying to fit in. She knew that boys who wear girls clothes are wrong, so she can’t hang with the girls, but because she didn’t have boy parts she couldn’t be friends with boys. So the girl would sit in the school’s library and avoid the other students. She chose to absorb herself in fantasies that involved her being the hero who would save the day. She liked to pretend that she had superpowers and would someday be needed by the world. She knew in her heart that that day would never come. When she would get home her mum would yell at her and hit her, but never touch her because the girl was old enough to know what it was. The girl decided that because no-one accepted her as a boy she would instead create an alter ego like the superheroes and villains. She created a girl and she acted out her part well. People stopped giving her disapproving looks and her mother wouldn’t complain. She thought she was doing the right thing so she kept doing it. Her dad hadn’t really noticed the change because it was only recent that he had been at home all the time. But because the girl’s mum didn’t have free reign to scream at her, she bottled up her anger and when she got drunk she would yell at daddy instead. The little girl felt horrible for letting her dad take what she normally got, so would make sure that whenever her dad wasn’t home she was near enough to her mother so that she would take it. And when her dad would come home again everyone seemed happier. 3

The girl began finding it a lot harder to pretend about who she was, so in her alone time she would be a boy again. She had learnt that boys her age looked up naked women for entertainment so she did the same thing. It did nothing for her so she looked up both men and naked women. She found pleasure in those things, and it made her feel better. The girl would imagine herself as the guy with a woman. It never felt as good as what boys said it was so she eventually gave up on it, because if it wasn’t as good as it was supposed to be she wouldn’t bother. She knew that her mother would keep alcohol around so she would occasionally drink some, when dad wasn’t home and when mum was already in bed. The warm fuzzy feelings the girl got made her feel like she had a proper family and that everything was okay, but the next morning she would have to face reality. She felt glad that it was only her façade that had to face the world – she didn’t know if she could handle it. 4

The girl, when she reached her teens, made friends for the first time in a long time. Through these friends she realized that mums weren’t supposed to hurt their children, but the girl believed that everyone was lying to her. They always did or they said she was. 5

The girl was confused yet again, because although the boys now liked her girl image they didn’t mind her wearing boy’s clothes. But they preferred the girl’s clothes. This is where the girl found out about gays. Guys liking guys was a new concept. She knew that guys got turned on by girls with girls but this was different. She realized that if she liked guys it wasn’t so bad after all. But her high school showed her otherwise. No one publically admitted to being gay unless you wanted to get bashed. 6

The girl knew that she was wrong again, but there might be people like her. Eventually she began to get boyfriends but always felt awkward because she should be the one making the moves, but because girls were supposed to submit she didn’t know what she could and couldn’t do. So when she became sexually active she was either full on or did nothing. The girl had no idea what she was or what she should do. 7

Many other things happened in the next few years but they didn’t have much impact on her sexuality. Eventually she met a bi guy and found it a lot easier to like him, because the guy liked guys as well and didn’t mind that she had a female’s body. 8

It was 8 months ago when the girl realized just how messed up her thinking was. She was scared and didn’t want to live, but put on another face and pretended everything was okay. She forced all her memories into the back of her head and it wasn’t until everything fell apart that she remembered. 9

The girl felt sick in the stomach but knew that even if she was to try to tell someone now it was too late to change anything; and more than likely no one would believe her. So she keeps this to herself and nobody knows. The girl hopes that nobody finds out, because she knows that she is broken and twisted and nobody would like the real her. Because the real her had believed that she was a boy for so long and yet it had been kept furthest from her mind. All because she knew that ever since she was a little girl she had been told that mummies don’t touch their daughters. And so the girl pauses what she is writing and reflects on her messed up logic, and wonders if anyone would believe her. She decides that no one would and so she finishes writing about the one secret no one has known about her, ever. Even herself, because the little girl found that the only way to deal with her problem was to make it disappear, even if it was the wrong way to do so. She doesn’t know how she can tell her friends, because she feels that she has been lying ever since they had met her. Surely if they never knew her friends wouldn’t hate her. But it is getting harder for the girl to continue the lie, so she avoids her friends just in case she slips up. 10

And so she stops writing and her heart pauses along with her. If the little girl has finally told her story than the girl has no more reason to live – she had chosen not to die because no one would understand why, and she didn’t want someone else to take the blame. 11

Her story is posted and the boy collapses against the empty frame that masks him. He wonders why he had to be so messed up. He didn’t know why he was picked. But he had always been blamed for everything, so this must just be another one of those times. But he doesn’t know anymore. The little girl that he had pretended to be smiles softly to him before disappearing, because she knows she can leave him alone. He has a strong mask to protect him now. 12

And so his world continues on for another day. He is empty and he is confused. He doesn’t know what to feel because he doesn’t know what he is. But he knows that he has control; no one sees his anger or his hurt – his mask has been repaired by the little girl and he knows he can last, if only long enough to no longer be needed. When that day comes the boy is going to smile and leave; and for once he will feel okay, because it is the only thing he knows is a definite. That there is a beginning and that there is an end. 13

But the boy has to come back to his story, because there is a small part that is left out; and that part is very important. It is the final peice to his story. 14

You see, the little boy never had an actual mother. When she was born her mummy was sick and couldn't take care of her. As she aged, it was her daddy that looked after her. The little girl loved her dad because of how nice her dad was; her dad meant the world to her. So the girl wanted to be like him, and nothing like her mother. She never wanted to let anyone else have a mother like she did. And as she grew up she became the mum for the family; she would cook and clean and tuck herself in at night, and she would look out for her daddy. 15

But the little boy isn't trying to say much about his daddy, he is good. The one who gave birth to her, who never looked after her like a mother; that was who she wanted to impress most. Because she wanted a mother - everyone else did. She thought that it was normal to do things for her mother, so she would. But no matter what she did her mother never praised her, and she never cared about the little girl. So the girl was secretly upset and sad - the one person she wanted to impress most, she never could. It was the only thing she wanted; to be accepted by her mother. But that was the one person who couldn't. She didn't know what she was supposed to do; so she evolved and changed to her mother's will. Eventually the girl created a male version of herself, determined to prove that she would never become anything like her mother. 16

To this day, the boy looks back and is always afraid. To disappoint, to hurt, to make people worry. Because it means that someone else is giving him the attention that he never had - and that scares him. He doesn't know if it is some game to make him do things; or if it is genuine. So he desperately tried to push them away; because he was breaking down and falling apart. He was so sure that if his closest and most important people saw him, and not her, that they would hate him. 17

That is why the boy reached out to the keyboard and found a way to write his story; because it was the last thing he could think to do; besides killing himself. So last night, that was the plan. Tell her friend and then go. But her friend saved him, and he went to her place and told her everything. He was incredibly happy that someone believed him, but he couldn't smile incase reality shattered and he found himself back in a room. 18

His friend helped him, once again. So he has enough strength to keep going. He promised he wouldn't leave until the end of the year; and he won't - he doesn't break his promises. 19

But there are still some things that worry him. How can all of his friends accept that he was lying for so long. But he is going to try, because one person believed in him. 20

That is why he is sitting here this morning editing this story; because he is going to tell his story; and not just as an eulogy.