Little Poem

I look around me but do I truly see?1

There's people but they're no way like me.2

Life is a game you just have to wait.3

Accept it and go on whatever your fate.4

But what do I do when my loved ones go?5

Smile don't worry they're watching the show.6

I'll be successful and make them proud.7

They'll smile and point from the top of their cloud.8

Where has my beauty gone now that I'm old?9

It's still in the mind for all to behold.10

The darkness is closing I think it's the end.11

No, it's light and dark in a blend.12

Hello my loved ones have i finally returned?13

Yes my love and remember what you've learned.

Author notes

live for eternity

A contest entry

What do you think. all veiws welcome.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 26 of 26
  • SilentMoonDance
    June 19

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    nice...

    This has a wise message: To succeed in life and try avoiding the superficial things, to know there's something more important than that.
    Great job and good luck!


  • MJs-Angel
    June 18

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    "Life is a game. You just have to wait."

    That is a brilliant line! Awesome poem and good luck in all your contests!

    -Angel


  • DemApples
    April 17
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    kk welkcome to the next round excuse my clumsy fingers


  • Artificial.Smiles. gold member
    December 13, 2008

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    i liked this poem a lot!! It was so sweet and as other commentors said, it has a good flow

    Good Luck in my Contest!!


  • trekkergirl
    December 4, 2008

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    This is a sweet poem. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for entering this into my contest. This is a very well written and well rounded poem. You are definitely a very talented writer.


  • KiwiGurl
    November 30, 2008

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    I know you have probably read this before, but your flow was just amazing! The rhymes came so incredibly easily. Your a great writer. Good luck in my contest!
    -kiwi

    • tony333
      November 30, 2008
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      *Smile*

      Thank you very much for the comments!


  • Rain4Life
    November 23, 2008
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    I loved it! So much 'flow'! It was amazing!

    • tony333
      November 23, 2008

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      Thank you

      Thanks That was the quickest any of my entries has been judged in a contest.


  • Melancholic Smile
    August 14, 2008

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    I really liked your little poem The words flowed well and this rhyme was natural and unforced. It was short and sweet with a deeper meaning hidden inside it. It's a good write, well done!


  • trekkergirl
    August 4, 2008
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    good write I like this.


  • Shadow06
    July 7, 2008
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    Awesome rhymes. It flowed very well. Good job.


  • RxxSpiritWolfxxJ
    July 5, 2008

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    Great poem - and I like the rhymes! Anyone who knows me knows tha I look for rhymes in my peoms,
    Rhythm and pacing is great and this poem is uplifting to those who read it.

    Very well written.

    RJ


  • miles of smiles
    June 30, 2008

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    I really like this! Wow, your first poem, too? This was incredibly sweet and innocent and I very much enjoyed reading it. The message was very well conveyed, your words were little but pieced together well, and the rhyming flowed amazingly. Only a couple of itches: line 2, "their" should be "they're" (same in line 6); line 13, capitalize that I!; line 14, commas and such would make it easier to understand.

    But overall, it was a great poem. Keep writing!

  • Rovingone
    June 30, 2008
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    Good rhythm and rhyme. A good story told in the verse as well.


  • The Wall
    June 30, 2008
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    I really like how this flowed and the ryhming seemed to come naturally and didn't at all seem forced. Beautifully written. I would add some commas into paragraph 9, as it took me a couple of reads to understand it. Otherwise, very well done and good luck in the contest.


  • RedHearts
    June 30, 2008
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    Beautifully Written. Good job.


  • SympatheticMisery
    June 28, 2008

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    This was very beautiful n.n
    I really did enjoy reading this, since the whole poem flowed smoothly and rhymed very well n.n

    Very well written. Thank you for entering my contest! Good luck!


  • Someday Hero. gold member
    June 26, 2008

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    Nice job at the rhyming! I suck at rhymning

    Anyway the meaning of this was wonderfull and the write its self was.

    Keep up the great work.

    Alexis~


  • GossipGirlLuvR
    June 23, 2008
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    I love the rhyming and the meaning in this. Great job.


  • Taylor Renee
    June 22, 2008
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    This was very good

    It could be improved on, with a little grammer and spelling help.

    But it's beautiful, the meaning behind it, and the words that you used

    I definitely loved that.

    Great job, thank you so much for entering my contest, and I wish you the best of luck!

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay


  • Oddems.
    June 21, 2008

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    Wow. It was very good and well written. You amde me sit there and think hmmm. It flowed well and had a deep meaning. Great job!


  • Shadow-Kissed
    June 21, 2008

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    Wow this was amazing. I love the meaning of the death and how to live on behind the words. This was well written and flowed nicely. Well Done. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Thanks for following the rules.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • sassykitty
    June 21, 2008

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    This has an excellent basis but one or two of the lines seem to be over straining the rhyme a little, particularly lines 11 to 14. You might like to check some grammar elements too - they're not their - sorry if I sound like a pedant but lots of people on all poetry get picky about grammar, if you fancy sending things off to contest. The metre of this is quite regular but occasionally off although I admire anyone who attempts to produce rhymed verse, I really can't do it. I always tend to produce free verse myself as I don't like being constrained, so well done you for tackling something I'm too cowardly too. I'd keep on going, never give up, you'll always improve with practice and I definitely have benefitted from comments both on here and on the poetry site. Keep writing, it's great fun!

    • tony333
      June 21, 2008
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      ok

      Thanks for the comments. This is the first time I have ever tried to write anything like this before, so I didn't expect it to be perfect.
      I will take what you said on board, hopefully it will make me better.
      Thanks

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