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February, she looked sullen, cheeks a little a bit indrawn from smelling his skin. He stuttered a bit, half-baked words gutting any hopes of her clam chowder warming up. She often mouthed him little sayings in the glow of her mirror, pursing her lips this way and that, parting her hair as she spoke. I stood there, that February morning, ablaze with lavender and orchids on Pike Street, cloying my courage to tell her. I know how she sucks her finger, the blood tinging her white uniform sour, when the cuts been made.2
Lemons lined the gravel driveway, but she only caught limes. With her canine teeth she bit into them, a little bit of salt and paprika she prayed would make her thin again. He loathed her Norwegian bedspreads, the way they felt light and airy, the lace flickering his toes when the nightlight framed the knife set sitting in her kitchen. He held the knives up to his chin many times, observed the dull hilt of blade, gargling his throat with saliva. Now, she licked her lips, juicing limes on the counter and he hated her more.3
He started to knead the dough on the cutting board. The counter smelled of old limes and flickers of strawberry splash nail laquer. Huddled in the fruit basket, was Laila, smelling of voles and mice she caught on Monday. She flexed her paws over an orange, let out a saluatory mmeorrrow and climbed out to sit in a patch of sun.4
She turned her paw over, like Sarita did with her manicures and commenced her grooming. He stooped down on the kitchen counter, remembering how the dumb waiter in England carried Laila as an orange kitten. Smiling, with a well-traveled erection of teeth, the slivers of dough pushing through his fingers, he said nothing to his favorite. Spilling Ovaltine on the floor, he knew Laila would lap up the malt chocolate despite gastric distress. For now, he turned the dough over and over with a wrinkled thumb; Laila blending into the checkered tablecloth despite no burgundy stripes, licking her paws.5
Author notes
Please leave critiques and comments. This is a work in progress.
Cloy-
verb
surfeit, cloy supply or feed to surfeit
this is a supply, provide, render, furnish
cloy, pall cause surfeit through excess, of something that was initially pleasing; "Too much spicy food cloyed his appetite"
this is a satiate, sate, replete, fill
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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sdf''Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm a truly good selection that is for sure but there were a few minor errors but those don't really matter. well i reaaly like your selection. it was truly emotional. keep up the good work and good luck in the future. I am looking forward to reading more of your selections. well best of luck in the future. very good job. well bye for now. happy trails. BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'
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You said you had some issues with this still. What issues? Please explain.
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I have to admit, I am a bit lost in this. The limes seem to be a symbol. The only thing I think of when I think of limes are alcoholic beverages.
I like the pic of the cats. -
Wow. That was absolutely amazing. It was sad and so terribly realistic in the feelings of two people unhappy together. But it was a wonderful story, and I am looking forward to getting more of this. Write on. ~~SpydurPoet~~
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Well it looks like everyone else has pointed out what needs to be addressed in the revisions. So- I will say simply that I enjoyed this. I'm almost glad everyone else made suggestions- this is the first time in a long time I can just say, "Good write" without adding a critique.
And I mean it- this is awesome. The images are incredible and if it weren't for the picture, it would've taken me a while to realize this way about cats. Fun reading.
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Lemons lined the gravel driveway, but she only caught limes.
This reminded me of Tori when she sang, "She's the sweetest cherry in an apple pie..." lol In fact this entire piece reminded me of her sensuous stream of conscious thoughts...filled with yummy words twisted like licorice and smelling of lemondrop margaritas...mmmmmm...delicious AND nutritious!
Excellent work, m'dear, so do me a favor and hit me more time...
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Thank you
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OK
There is some talent in this piece. It is cool and fun, but there is just somthing weird about it. I think if u keep working on it, it will be better. -
Though I have to agree with the person who advised you on your punctuation,I do think that there is raw talent in this piece,particularly in the use of original imagery which is refreshing to read.It will be intriguing to read the rest.camus
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woah...confused...but it's an interesting read...and a good one...
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Its a very descriptive piece. Keep working on it.
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Aww. You make me giggle with joy. I love cat paws. They are so adorable, even when the claws are drawn. I love the way cats flex their toes...I actually plan on incorporating that into the story later.
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This has grown wonderfully. I have a couple issues that I will return about (I'm at work... boring muddy-stick, whip slave to the man). I agree with everything Jettison wrote, even when I thought I was going to disagree... went back and read-in the edits. You made the right choices.
Wonderful imagery that creates a surreal expression of emotion. "She mouthed..." was superb. Use of cloying struck me as a little off (though screwing up courage is just engrained in me). Second stanza/paragraph is very well integrated. The story comes through. I am sorry for the direction it takes, but I am sappy.
Lemon flavored kitten toes, claws spread on nose, no hook or dig- just foot pad to nose pad and breathe,
Brian -
Oh, goodness, I love it when people actually READ my rambling! If possible, I love this more than I did the first time. (hummm... maybe it's because now it's PERFECT?) Anyway... nice job, hang in there. February only lasts 29 days.
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I took some of your critiques into consideration. I will add more to this work and I will let you know, so I can get some more fabulous feedback.
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Thank you so much for that awesome comment. Most people don't take the time to critique. But you did.
Much love,
Farzin -
I'd have to say, you get the shaft for critiques over here. I'm always compelled to leave you something because you seem to get the "Nice." comments a lot. So here it goes, sentence by sentence for lack of paragraphs:
February, she looked sullen, cheeks a little a bit indrawn from smelling his skin. ---> Good intro! "a little bit" is very, bland. I've seen your vocab, so go for it! Be gutsy. "smelling his skin" was a favorite. nice beginning.
He, stuttered a bit, half-baked words gutting any hopes of her clam chowder warming up. ---> Possibly take away the comma after He, it's not necessary other than for poetic fun. "half-baked" was nice. The clam chowder also seemed a little out of place, but, hey! -It's Febuary.
She often mouthed him little sayings in the glow of her mirror, pursing her lips this way and that, parting her hair as she spoke to no one. ---> Wonderful, minus the "to no one." It seemed a slightly dull ending to such a beautiful sentence.
I stood there, that February morning, ablaze with lavender and orchids on Pike Street, cloying my courage to tell her I know. ---> "THAT I know"? Another one of those iffy commas in the beginning. I know, I know. Poetic license...
I know how she sucks her finger, the blood tinging her white uniform sour, when the cuts been made. ---> The repeted "I know" was, repetitive. I could see why you wanted it, but I got bored. I'm aware, possibly? "cuts" should be cut's, or maybe just "cut has" to ease confusion.
Okay, okay, so I picked this apart. Take what you want and put the rest down the trash disposal. You're amazing and I have no right to say anything but
Nice.
Edited on Feb 17, 7:54 p.m. because 'sp, sp, sp....'. -
Good
I liked this and look forward to the finished draft .The sucking of the finger was good.Helen
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It looks good so far..makes me want to read more. I really hope you plan on writing more of this story..I'm a little confused but maybe later on if you wrote more I'd understand..or maybe I'm not even meant too. You did good!
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I'm confused. It'd help, more than likely, if you seperated the actions of the characters into paragraph form, making a new paragraph every time the focus changes.
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