Totally Wicked Awesome Spazmatic Spatula of Doom

“…what…what is that you’re holding?” Max asked me warily.1

“What? Oh, this? Nothing.” I answered innocently. “Just my totally wicked awesome spazmatic spatula of doom!” I held the utensil up, swatting at Max’s head with it, wielding it like a sword.2

Melissa coughed. “Oh God, you know what this means?”3

“What?” Max prompted.4

“She’s… she’s going to…” Melissa choked on her last word. “Cook.”5

“That’s right!” I cried. “Muahaha! And you know what? I will tie you up and hold you against your will! And I will feed it to you!”6

Melissa’s eyes widened in fear, a terrified scream bubbling up in her throat. “Max, save me!” she shouted.7

Max was already edging away carefully. 8

I caught the movement and suddenly pointed my spatula at him accusingly. “Hold it right there, you slobbering monkey brain!” 9

“Slobbering what now?” he questioned incredulously. 10

Melissa curled up in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth on her heels, whispering comforting words to her self how the food wouldn’t get her unless she let it.11

“Holy fetal position Bat Man! It’s a nightmare!”12

I looked up to see Will standing in the doorway, looking none too surprised. He leaned against the frame, raising an eyebrow curiously. I stuck my tongue out at him.13

“Help me cook.” I ordered. “Your master commands you to.”14

Will paled visibly. He looked over his shoulder, back into the hallway, before pulling at his shirt collar nervously. “Gee, I don’t know, I think – you know, I think I have to finish up some… home…work. Stuff. I have stuff to do.”15

I jabbed the on button on the stove, scrolling up to the highest temperature it would go.16

“What are you doing?” Max cried.17

“…Cooking?” I answered, confused. “What else?”18

“You don’t have to turn it up that high!”19

“Why not? My evil cake’ll cook faster that way!”20

The oven seemed to burst into flames in only a moment, and I flinched back, before launching into my screaming fit.21

“Oh my God! I’m on fire!” I shrieked, flailing my arms wildly, gripping the spatula tightly in a closed fist. “I’m on fire! Oh my God, I’m on fire!”22

Will gripped my shoulders fiercely. “You are not on fire, darn it!”23

“Am so.” I pouted, sniffling. “You always ruin my random awesomeness-ness.”24

Will sighed, and everyone left the kitchen (or what was left of it), retreating upstairs. I could hear the fire department bust down the door, and tried to imagine why busting down doors made fires any better. Maybe it just made them look wicked.25

“Anywho.” Melissa said, rolling her eyes.26

“So…how ‘bout them Crickets?” I asked.27

“You know the Crickets aren’t actually a sports team, right?” Max asked.28

I stared. “Oh my God. They aren’t?” I questioned. “I’ve…I’ve been lied to my entire life!” I broke into wails and sobs then, before Will shoved me against a wall.29

“We told you the Crickets weren’t a team yesterday.” He reminded.30

“And the day before, and the day before, and the day before…” Melissa contributed. “Don’t you remember?”31

I paused a moment, trying to think it over. “…Oh yeah!” I exclaimed.32

Max rolls his eyes. “Why the heck did you want to cook, anyway?”33

“The voices in my head told me to.” I answered instantly. “…I think I’ve said too much.”34

Everyone gazed at me in surprise. 35

“What?” I asked.36

“With one word, describe your cooking, Alix.” Will said.37

The definition of my cooking came naturally to me, and I burst out, “Ubermondospazzerific… to the ten-finityeth power!”38

There was a long, awkward silence that blanketed the room then, before Max sighed and provided, “Well, at least we’ve been assured she knows her math.”39

“I don’t think that counts as math.” Hiru looked up from her book, stretched out on the couch with her blonde hair spilling around her shoulders.40

“I don’t think you guys give me enough credit.” I said, collapsing on the couch next to Hiru to sulk.41

“Don’t look so excited.” She said.42

“Hey look!” I pointed out the open window, where a flock of birds where taking aim on the poor pedestrians walking the streets. “Birdies! All under my command!” I hopped off the cough, bouncing over to the window, and leaned out, waving my arms in ever direction. “Fly! Fly my pretties, fly, fly! Fly away!”43

Melissa shoved me out the window, and the next thing I felt was air rushing past me. I landed on something warm and soft (and kind of lumpy), and then looked down on an angry woman. “Heya! I’m Alix!” I said, and grinned.44

“Get…off!” she groaned, trying to breathe with my weight pressing down on her.45

“…but…but you're comfortable…” I replied.46

She hissed at me, shoving me off. “Rawr!” she screeched, and I took several steps back.47

“So…how ‘bout them Crickets?” I asked her, before watching her stalk off furiously. 48

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…49

“…I wonder what Alix is up to.” Zoe asked, cocking her head at Oasis.50

Oasis shook her head. “No you don’t.”51

“Why not?”52

“She’s living chaos.”53

“Why do you say that?” Zoe stifled a laugh.54

“…I’m guessing she hasn’t introduced you to her totally wicked awesome spazmatic spatula of doom… or her ubermondospazzerific to the ten-finityeth power cooking.”55

“…I don’t want to hear anymore.” Zoe responded, covering her ears with her hands, and Oasis smirked, leaning back in her chair as she flipped through a magazine. “Anywho.”