A bat in sheeps clothing

The search of the old house was almost complete. The ground floor of the ‘big house’ had been cleared. It was not a mansion as such but it was a grand Victorian building that had always been referred to as ‘the Big House’ by the locals. There had several different owners over the years but now it was a small but quite exclusive hotel with fifteen rooms. It was in these rooms that he found the bodies; some just had the two stereotypical punctures, while others had had their throats entirely ripped out. Even though he was an experienced vampire hunter he thought he would never quite get used to these sights. He arrived at the penultimate room having ensured those bodies he had found would not resurrect as undead. The door was locked, he stepped back, and with a crossbow loaded with a wooden shaft at the ready in one hand and a crucifix in the other, he kicked the door. It burst inward and as he jumped through an object of no real weight hit him in the face closely followed by a cold liquid and someone screamed. Instinctively he rolled to one side and came up into a fighting crouch, weapon and cross brandished . What he saw caused him to snatch the crossbow around, for there in front of him was a little old lady, shaking like a leaf, with her head turned to one side and a small cloth doily held up in front of her like a shield.1

A voice from below:
“You ok Mac?”2

“Yeah! No worries, we have a survivor,” replied the man.3

“Righto. You do the last room while we do the cellar and garages.”4

“Will do. Got your air horn?”5

“Yep, any blast and we all converge.” 6

While he was speaking the old lady had turned to look at him over the top of her doily shield. 7

“Excuse me ma’am, I’ll be back in a tick you are safe now”. With that he left the room and moved to the last door, which was open. The room showed no signs of occupancy and even the wardrobe was standing open. He checked the en-suite and then returned to the old lady. She was still clutching her doily and jumped when he re-entered. 8

“Sorry to startle you ma’am are you ok?”9

“Who are you?” came a quavering voice,10

“Most people just call me Mac. Was this what hit me?” he asked picking up a string of white coloured bulbs.11

“Yes, they are garlic and what I threw at you was a glass full of Holy water.”12

“You know what’s been going on then?” asked Mac incredulously.13

“Oh! Yes, there was a man arrived at sundown about three hours ago, and as he walked past I realised that he had cast no reflection in the mirrored sides of the columns by the front door. So I got up and went to my room and got my bits out in an attempt to make my room secure. May I make you a cup of tea as I can see you are no vampire unlike the tall man”.14

“But how do you know so much?” enquired a surprised and impressed Mac.15

“Oh! My uncle was a cardinal in the church and was trained in such things in Rome,” she replied moving over to the kettle and starting to get things ready.16

“Can I do anything?” asked Mac starting to get up from where he had sat down.17

“That’s alright dear,” she replied, “If I do something it will help me to calm down. Sugar dear?”18

“Just one thank you”.19

He took his tea and asked the fluffy old dear, as he had categorised her, her name and on finding out it was Daisy he asked her about herself and walked over to the window and gazed out, something was niggling at his mind but he could not work out what. Daisy chattered on about herself, with many asides and irrelevant comments. He thought the adrenaline, which was always pumping during a mission, must have stopped because he felt heavy of limb and a bit thick headed, like an almost hangover. He saw his colleagues emerge from the garage and look up at his window. They gave him a thumbs up and a wave and it was all he could do to wave back; and still the old dear twittered on apparently about some sister or another. He walked heavily back to the armchair and flopped down into it only just keeping hold of his cup and saucer.20

Onions! The bulbs were white shallot onions.21

“They are not garlic bulbs, they are onions” said Mac slurring his words slightly.22

“Of course they were dear,” replied Daisy, “and it was ordinary tap water I through at you.” He started to rise but with amazing speed and strength she crossed the room and pushed him back down.23

“The drugs in your tea should just about make you unable to move now.” He reached for his crossbow that he had placed beside the chair but his hands felt three sizes to big.24

“No you don’t dear.” Said Daisy in the same old lady voice. She grabbed his arm and in one swift movement dislocated it at the elbow. Pain lanced through him but it was like it was happening to someone else. He knew there was pain, but only really as a piece of information to be processed by his languid brain. He looked at her and managed to focus. Her eyes had darkened and her canine teeth had become very pronounced. Finally his befuddled brain made a connection.25

“You did all this?” he managed to say.26

“Yes dear,” she answered, “The tall man was a description of my long dead Walter. He was a lovely man but chose death over the unlife I chose. The onions are a bit of a liability but then frightened old ladies …” here she pirouetted, “… usually draw attention away from them. Men are so easily fooled and one so rarely comes up against a woman hunter of any real effectiveness that one need not worry too much. Before I feed again I will just prepare myself.” Mac, who was now totally immobile, could only watch as she began to turn over furniture and trash the room. Finally she drew her fingernails down her own face drawing blood and tore her clothes in a few places and generally messed herself up. Daisy then took hold of Mac’s good arm and very deliberately bit down on the wrist and started to suck his blood. With her free hand she retrieved Mac’s air horn, she withdrew his arm from her mouth and screamed, at the same time giving a blast on the horn. She went back to drinking as she gave another blast. They both heard the front door crash open and the sound of running feet. Daisy lowered Mac’s arm and carefully wiped her mouth on the doily, which she stuffed under the cushion Mac was sitting on. As the footsteps approached she kicked the small table upon which their two teacups rested out through the door onto the landing and hurled the spare chair through the window and screamed.27

Martin and Chaz leaped through the broken door one going to the right and one to the left both had crossbows and crosses. What they saw horrified them. The room was wrecked and Mac was lying on the floor bleeding heavily and just twitching, and half covered by his prone body was a little old lady. They pulled Mac up and placed him in an armchair that they picked up from where it had tipped over. Mac could not speak but only twitch and grunt slightly.28

“Mac is in a bad way Chaz, I am going to take him down to the van and call in backup, they should be here in a quarter of an hour. You look after her” he said this while expertly staunching the flow of blood from Mac’s arm. He then picked him up and left the room. Meanwhile Chaz was helping the little old lady up and sitting her on the bed. He acknowledged Martins words while he was gently dressing the old Ladies facial wounds. He finished as Martin left with Mac.29

“You had a close call there Mrs … er …?”30

“Just call me Daisy, everybody else does. Your friend was so brave, he just leaped at that horrible man as he came in.”31

“What horrible man?”32

“The tall one who arrived just after dusk, I saw him arrive just as I was coming up to my room. Do you know he jumped straight out of the window when he heard you coming, that’s when he pushed your gallant young man on top of me. Did you know, he bit your friend really hard, I hope he’ll be ok”33

“So do I Mrs … sorry, Daisy” He went to the window and looked out.34

“Can you see anyone?” asked Daisy35

“Nope. It’s as black as Newgate’s Knocker out there,” replied Chaz.36

“How long did your friend say he would be?” asked Daisy getting up.37

“About fifteen minutes. Here shouldn’t you be sitting down you’ve had quite a shock.”38

"Oh! I’ll be fine thanks to you dear, but I find if I do something it will help me to relax. My mother was the same and so was my granny. Oh! Look here’s some cups that haven’t been broken and a quarter of an hour should just about give me enough time. Would you like a cup of tea dear?” 39

40


{I have tried to get away from the sterotypical vampire in a cloak and with a heavy foriegn accent but I do not know if 'Daisy' works particularly well. To create my vampire I thought about who they were before they were turned and a little about their own story. This helps me to understand them as a charature and helps define what they would and would not do and say [vampirism will always alter them but some traits will remain]}

Author notes

This is a bit average and I am not that happy with it. I should be able to do better but cannot work out how. Somoene please enlighten me. Thank you
Attempting to break the sterotypical vampire model is what inspired this and my other Daisy stories.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Whipper Snapper silver member
    November 5

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    I loved it! It may have been stereotypical but it was a great part in the story because of how she just uses onions and tap water instead of garlic and holy water. It was honestly a good piece of work. Good work.


  • lesbian-in-love
    October 31
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    This was a very enjoyable piece. It was well done. I enjoyed reading this. It was very well written. Thanks so much for entering and best of luck to you in the contest.


  • CrystalFairyWings
    October 10

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    This was a vey intriguing -hehe i like that word- and well written piece. I didn't spot any mistakes- well done there- and great job o n it all together! Well done and good luck in the contest!

    ~ROTN

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Marta gold member
    September 30
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    Really different and well written, a good take on a popular and over-used subject.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    August 9

    Edit | Reply
    Daisy is definitely different. Usually, there are names for vampires out there that don't have any normal names, so I was pleased to see that she is, for lack of a better word, normal.

    The dialogue needs some work, and so does the grammatical structure. Overall, I think you did a decent job.

    Thanks for entering this in my contest.


  • Cecilia Marlana
    August 6

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    Very good piece. This is very well written, and I didn't spot too many mistakes. One problem I have is that its all bunched together..part the damn paragraphs, lol. I hate that, mostly cause I used to do it and now I'm excellent about making sure they're perfect, lol. Otherwise, this is exactly what I meant about modern vampires. Great job!

    ^.^ Good luck in my contest!

    <3 Fallen-


  • snoble
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    you avoided the vampire streyotype nicely and you magaed to make a good story. i like this thank you for entering it


  • SoundInkMusic
    March 12

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    You did manage to avoid the vampire stereotype quite nicely; Daisy was much more interesting to me than the usual accented/cloaked vampire fellow would have been. Some suggestions: This is missing commas in some places, and could use a bit of spacing out as others have mentioned - might want to go back through and have a look at those aspects again =) Also, the narration felt a bit...flat, for lack of a better adjective. Some more details about what Mac's emotions or thoughts, perhaps, or some more focused descriptions of things that he noticed as opposed to just the whole room in general. Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest.


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    February 12

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    Well tomereader, the is a pretty good story. It was a bit hard to read, but it is interesting. It's just a bit cluttered. I'll let you know what I decide Saturday. ^^


  • ToxicBlood
    February 6

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    Not bad. The only real problem I saw was that you needed commas in some places. Good work though. ^_^


  • Dreama
    November 3, 2008

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    i liked this, but i wasn't really scared. i understand what you were trying to do by getting away from the stereotype and i honestly did not see that coming and i loved it! really well written thanks for entering!

  • Tomereader
    October 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    .


  • Myra La-Ryn
    August 11, 2008

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    Nice.

    This was really good. I liked Daisy a lot. The ending was really haunting, one of those edge of your seat kind of things. Good job!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • demonp3n
    July 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I suggest that you space out the paragraphs a little more. It looks a little intimidating right now.

    I really liked Daisy. She deffinately breaks the vampire stereotype.

    Some of the dialog however doesn't flow very well. I suggest that you read it aloud and find more natural things to replace it with. Also some of the discriptions didn't flow well. It doesn't leave a very clear picture in the reader's mind.

    Over all though, it was a good story. Good luck in the contest.


  • Web Haunting
    June 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is really cool, and really different. Daisy creeps me out....I'm ganna be scared of my gandma now!!! TT_TT
    lol, great job with this!! Thanks for entering it!
    *With Love* ~Wendy Elizabeth~


  • Glowstarcharmer
    June 20, 2008

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    Hehe, I loved Daisy! She seemed like a cool old lady! She was very efficient at what she did and obviously had the routine nailed down faily well. I would like to know how she would get along with other vampires cos I get the impression that the fluffy old lady act only goes so far and she wouldnt take nonsence, but maybe Im just basing that on some of the old ladies I know in real life. lol. I would also like to know the story of how she was turned and what happened to her husband, I think that that would make a rather interesting story as well.

    I love you daddy,
    X Amber X

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