He caught my gaze, 1
his dark eyes luring.2
I tried to shut him out, 3
but I could barely breathe.4
I knew he was more than human, 5
but I didn't think he would catch on to my suspisions so quickly6
Before I could scream or take a breath,7
he moved his face so close to mine that I could smell his breath, feel its dreadful coldness against my cheeks.8
I stay still,9
waiting for death to take me,10
for his sharp teeth to take a firm grip of my skin,11
and suck me dry of my life; my blood12
I had been so interested in my suspisions,13
I didn't even stop to fear for my own life,14
but even now..seeing him there,15
pinning me against the wall.16
I still couldn't fear him,17
I looked into his eyes as cold as night,18
and blushed.19
He tightened his grip on me,20
my affection making him angry.21
He told me that it wasn't easy for him either,22
but a vampire could never love a human.23
He tried to be threatening, really he did,24
but I knew he could never hurt me.25
I more feared his family and the rest of his kind.26
Finally his grip loosened,27
but I remained where I was,28
feeling comforted by his presence.29
He began to growl and his eyes narrowed,30
he told me to leave before he changed his mind,31
but I refused to move.32
We stood in complete silence for what seemed like forever 33
until finally I made my move..34
I leaned in, 35
my lips met his in a long lingering kiss.36
My hands slid up the back of his neck coming to his head.37
With that he went hard as stone and pulled away,38
taking off into the dark of night39
and leaving me staring after him,40
I craved him like he craved my blood.41
It couldn't be true,42
I was in over my head,43
could a human and a vampire ever co-exhist..44
without the death of the other?45
I knew then and there what I wanted,46
I wanted to be like him,47
I wanted to be a vampire. 48
A contest entry
- Poets/Storywriters 16 and Under. by kierancluchey.
250 points, ended June 29, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Ask Away..
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very Good
You do have an amazing talent for poetry. This kept me hooked all the way to the end. If you do make this into a story, I would most certainly love that. It's too good to remain just a poem.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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wow really good. AND YES! make it a story too!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Interesting.
I like the story, it was very good. You tell it well. However, as a poem this doesn't have.. well poem 'likeness'. I try to keep my poems within a syllable count for every other line, or the 2 lines that rhyme. Still great, looking forward to more from you, keep writing your poems and stories!
-Kieran/RiverWalker
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wow
This is really good hun, good work. I really like this. You should turn it into a story! I would really like to read about something like this. Love you!
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Bite the vampire !!
I was reading the instructions to this contest before I set my eyes on what you have here.
When I first started reading this poem I was more than sure I was getting into a love story....boy was I wrong. ( well at first)
I started reading about the characters fear, and then continued onto the quickness of death, and its nasty breath....and then I was about to read something different then what I first thought.
I thought it was great to see your characters bravery and control instead of falling for the vampires desires and being scared like he expected.
I was amazed to see the character take the first move and lean in for the kiss, and have the vampire in shock and confused !
I know this was supposed to be a poem wrapped into a story like fashion, maybe its just me but I started reading it like a story ( Yes I saw the short lengths of the sentences formed as a poem)...but this was a dang good piece of work, I loved it !!
(As a reader I did see some sp/errors, yet nothing to much that made me frown over the whole thing that was written here)
-Hismercy
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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thanks so much. It's always a pleasure to hear from you.
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Wonderful!!!!!!
37 comming should be coming. 46 thre should be there
This was very wonderful. Raised questions that many ask in respect to Vampires and i think you handled the answer beautifully. i was left wishing there were more. Wanting to know the outcome. Did they ever see one another again...things like that.
I loved the way you structured this...sort of story in poetic form.
I loved it and wish you luck in the contest. This was very good!
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thanks
I'm hoping on making it into a story actually lol my mind was so full of ideas as i started writing this. So we shall see. Thanks again
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