Something is not right with me. A disease is hiding in my body; it sits and grows inside of me quietly, like some secret garden. Doctors once showed me pictures of this disease, or it could be I dreamed this happened. That part is not clear, and when I do ask people if there are such pictures, or was I dreaming, no one responds. Yet I clearly remember seeing somewhere these things that looked like toadstools and dark plants. My life is changing. I don't sleep, instead I look in mirrors and out windows. In the dark I walk the rooms of my home and wait, yet what it is I am waiting for is unclear. It is confusing. I hear and see things on the island I hadn't noticed before.1
There is a schoolhouse across from my home, and something is not right with it. Late night, when it thinks it is alone, screams as small as spiders come out of the building. After seeing this a few times I began to wonder just what was going on. The schoolhouse itself is very old, it has bad breath, and (I think) a faint desire to die. Out of its foundation there are large brown and black roots that have twisted themselves into the dirt, holding everything in place while the world spins. Perhaps the schoolhouse would want to let go and flip like a bottlecap off the island, and into the waiting sea. But it can't because of old habits of hanging on, and roots.2
(If you were to see me at a moderate distance, me on a small hill holding onto a bush or thin tree, you wouldn't guess how sick I was. Up close though, even if I were smiling, you would know.)3
In the bottom of the schoolhouse there is a large, ancient bathroom, it is crippled and wet with a stone floor, a place children go to smoke or play with themselves. At night, looking out my window, me buried up to my neck in shadows, I watch these same children sneak back on the schoolgrounds. In the moonlight they wrestle and screw on the grass. They piss on the schoolhouse walls and giggle. Once after they were gone I went out and found some of their clothes they'd left behind. These things moved in my hands as if alive.4
(I had worried what would happen when there was no more room in me, and I was completley filled with the disease. Doctors assured me that I will not die, that more things would change for me, but I will still be alive.)5
The schoolhouse has been misused. Its floors are dark and brittle from being walked on for countless years, and even if a change was hoped for, a change can't happen. The wood is embalmed in wax and varnish and is forever stuck in its place. The inside of the building shows that it was made by a people different than us, whose intentions have not been understood. The ceilings are high like a cathedral, as if the builders had intended to bring in something holy and good to fill the empty spaces. The high walls are wide and stretched out, certainly in no hurry to be cut up and sectioned into classrooms and offices. There's been a bad mistake, as the building was intended for some other purpose than what is has been used for all its life.6
(My disease changes shapes and movements. Somedays it crawls like a reptile, other times it swims inside me back and forth like a large fish. When it is a fish I imagine it being pale and blind.)7
The shoolhouse would like to be haunted, to frighten people in the same way it is frightened. It makes efforts that way. When left alone for any period of time an anger and despair does grow in the old rooms, at times becoming so strong that, (if properly focused) it could maim or kill a small angel. But the place can't be haunted. Sooner or later the doors and windows are opened wide and the people come back.8
The old building is slipping away. That is clear to me. Daily is is becoming more disoriented and lost to the life around it. All hope of change or being haunted are fading away, and soon nothing will be left but the desire to die. If the schoolhouse can find a way to communicate its wanting to die, those that hear will be confused and perplexed at what to do or think. Sooner or later this will be handled in a human fashion, as people become harden or numb to the strange message. If the building were to continue with its request to die, people might even begin to smile, they, the ones who have always held the power to say yes or no, will smile and shake their heads, as if it were humerous for something or someone to say it no longer wanted to live.9
(Nowadays I say nothing, and sit without movement for the longest times. All my efforts are concentrated into waiting.)10
Author notes
You motherfuckers, read this and comment! 3 fucking hits, and one comment that sounded more like a pityfuck than an opinon. Sometimes this place feels like a planet where no one really likes to read, or work on writing, but enjoy the illusion of both. That's right, I'm a snoot that writes crappy stuff no one reads. Ahhhhh.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Geez just when I think no one is going to read this thing again on this site I get two hits. Thanks for appreciating this, and commenting.
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It's good to see you're back on. Have to check your site for new writings. And thanks for the comments on the typos. You read the same thing so many times so hard to catch anything. I look forward to reading your stuff again. You seem a wandering soul. Dave
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This is still a very haunting, very moving piece. Still great.
-Renee
Edited on Feb 21, 5:44 p.m. because ''. -
I am not going to say "wow" or "amazing" because it seems this site is completely filled with those words. I have seen those same words go on a poem that in my opinion was a complete waste of time. Still, the poem is a piece of the poet no matter how abstract it is.
Anyway, I like this. Simply put, I like the way you describe the schoolhouse in it and compare it to narrator and the disease that he or she is afflicted with. It gives the reader a clear image of both the narrator and the environment in which it takes place.
Edited on Feb 21, 7:29 because 'content'. -
Excellent
WOW like the story it has a lot detail and i can see these scenes in my mind which is god i can feel the atmosphere. The comments after each paragraph brings it back to reality (love) keep up the good writing chat soon. -
Awesome
"dances around after reading his story" I read it and its very good writing. Very descriptive writing. Keep it up
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Nifer: it was interesting to see how you read this, and the way the writing came across to you. It would have actually been deeper or such if I had intended what you felt. It was of a person who was slowly draining away, physically and mentally due to an illness. they were waiting to die and end the useless misery. thank you for the comments. It feels like communication and I like it. Dave
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I need to read it again and again.
When reading this, it's almost as if you're talking about yourself: not your real self, but your self in a dream, where your unconcsious is trying to tell you something, and the disease in the dream is actually a manifestation of something far more life-threatening in real life. All the images you painted were broadcast to my mind like images on a TV set with the contrast set too dark. When you say "all my efforts are concentrated into waiting", I think you're waiting to wake up. That's the impression I got from this - surreal. -
Hello: I'm sort of peat and repeat on comments, liked what you said about it reading like a poem> I did mean to have it flow in a prose poem manner. thanks for reading it: Dave
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Thanks: I'm still much too close to this to see what actually works and what fails, but am getting there. It's good to be read.
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Such a good feeling to check out this site after a couple of weeks and see that the story has been read. Appreciate you reading it, and happy that you liked it. And you're right, I wouldn't want this guy living next to me either.
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Hi: I suppose I was thinking of something like Parkinson Disease, a disease that robs you of nearly everything but allows you to stay alive. A friend of mine has Parkinson and that somewhat inspired this writing. thanks for your comments.
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Hi and thanks for reading this and commenting. It is sad, or was meant to be. There are things that don't work about it, but I can't get any distance to clearly see it, yet. Thanks again.
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interesting
I for one do enjoy a good story from time to time. Even though I find the stories subject matter depressing and it wanders around a bit, I applaud your use of metaphors as well as your effort. -
ok wow alot of pressure to read and comment on this piece. ok here is what I think: I likes this story alot. It ha the same emotion and feeling of a poem , yet it is a story. Beautifully written. flows well and all in all is a great piece.
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haha, your author notes made me laugh but then again, this piece of yours is... wah... really good. actually, more than just good x.x it had a lot of metaphors and... well, i love how he looked at that thing as a "disease" he is kinda freaky though x.x i would be scared if someone like that lived nearby... but wah... i love your descriptions, the imageries... this has to be my favorite parts:
"The schoolhouse itself is very old, it has bad breath, and (I think) a faint desire to die."
and
"...The schoolhouse itself is very old, it has bad breath, and (I think) a faint desire to die."
those were... i don't know, they really struck me. great work thank you so much for this
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i really like this but exactly what disease is it about cancer or aids
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this was beautiful in its own way,it has an ora of sadness around it though. I liked the symbolizm used throughit this. i usually never read stories, but yoru title intrigued me, so i read it, and I am glad I did. Thanks for sharing this adn keep up the great work!
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I'm not going to beat you with praise but surely you have heard a good deal before? Writing groups, whatever profs you've had? I imagined you were in college fulltime and heading toward some degree in journalism/writing. Great writers, those who have had something to say, have all taken the path less traveled. You're very nice to say all the good words. Actually there has been a plaque made for me. Best I can tell its the size of a postage stamp. Can't see it too well as its stuck to my ass. Have no idea what it says. Anyrate K Renee, you're kind, and you can write. You also have a good sense of grammar. I've a Masters in counseling, and my grammar usually is hurting. If you were a company I'd buy stock in you. thanks again: i needed that Dave
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I did think this story held together VERY well overall. One of the best stories I've read in a long time (probably THE best).
Yes, my "editor"
. It's my internal editor that had trouble with "we are the one"---just that one line in "Tuesday Soup," though I realize what you were doing.
I haven't given up writing stories... just don't do it as well as I used to.
I've only graduated high school (almost four years ago), but just can't seem to get my life moving in any direction. Oh well. College is an on and off affair.
Anyway... back to you. I don't know if you get enough praise. I just remember all those comments you wrote about my items, and how I fail in comparison. I'm not even in hindsight of your greatness. Any author who can create these shadow worlds and gothic imagery the way you do should have plaques denoting their greatness.
-K -
Hi and thanks for reading and commenting. Do really appreciate it. (just reread my author remarks on this story- I must have been in an emotional way at the time) You mentioned something about your editor not liking this one poem of mine 'tuesday soup' and I assumed you worked for a paper, like a school paper. Arbys? Are you about to graduate? Oh well, lets get back to me me me. If you don't think this held together overall, let me know. I do appreciate your remarks on the comparisons working and imagery, wasn't sure overall. Anyway, I'll look over your remarks on IM, try and digest and see what changes I make. I hope you really haven't quit with the storywriting altogether. Thanks again: Dave
Edited on Feb 28, 4:28 p.m. because ''. -
haunting---yes, it haunts
Wow. Do you know how long it's been since I've read a story that's actually made me FEEL anything? (Well, of course you don't, but...) This is why I've turned away from reading and writing stories and have turned to poetry. But this story was enlightening.
Besdes the technical comments I sent you in the IM, my only other critique is that I think you need a transition paragraph between the first and second paragraphs (or maybe just a sentence on the end of paragraph 1 to give some transition to paragraph 2). Up to you, though.
The comparison between your speaker and the schoolhouse was amazing---both the giving life to an inanimate object and the taking of life from the speaker. I thought you did an absolutely fabulous job with that. I also love your imagery---your similes and metaphors. Your stories are always so dark, like Lovecraft without all the gore and with much more tangible imagery.
Well done! Your writing is inspiring, your story is ensnaring. And your author's comment--- . I feel the same way at times.
-Renee -
How did I know you would read and comment? Ok, I wasn't very diplomatic with your writing. I'm sorry. I think you're stuff is pretentious, and ridiculous, but that's my opinon and in the future I won't read your stories. Lots of people do read you. As for your 'huge readership' I couldn't give a shit what they're reactions to my comment might be.
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I can give you two thing right now that will help you with this.
First change the coclor format, it is too hard to read to begin with, no matter how hard you worked on it. Storys arent that well read on a poetry sitte for the simple fact ppl dont want to take the time to read them. THATS NOT MY FAULT. that you have to leave rude comments on my work. IS IT?
and second.
change your attitude. vus i can tell youright now i have ahuge readership, and they are going to read the comment you left on mine and think you are a total dork.
so it might do you well to b more "diplomatic"
i did nothing to incite you to leave that type of comment on my work. if you do it again ill bring a moderator down on you as that i liken it to harrassament undue.
good luck on your story.
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Hi and thanks for reading it and the comments you made. Appreciated
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Strange, possibly full of symbolism.. very intriguing. Beautiful descriptions, and change of directions, all eventually going in a similar direction. Leaves me not sure of what is really going on, but knowing I just took a strange journey somewhere. I like the back and forth 1st/3rd person.
Good work, Bennett
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