Sam's Diary

The classroom is quiet and in the far right corner is Sam, as usual. Not Samantha, not Sammie, just Sam. She's alone there, once again. She's never really had friends. Her bangs cover her eyes and her turtleneck fits loosely on her body. The back of her hair goes flat the flips at the end. it is not very long. Probably about to the middle of her neck. She wears baggy dark washed jeans and I try to look away. I have been watching her since I was thirteen and I'm sixteen now. I don't really know why I watch her, but there something mysterious. She's always back there scribbling things down. And the school don't really know whether she's a boy or girl, but I know simply because I've seen her in the girl's bathroom before. I'm not sure why can't I keep my eyes off of her. My friends laugh and joke about her and I laugh along. My birthday has just passed and I still hang with the bitches and bastards of the school. Because I dress in Ambercrombie, I am immediately their friend...and immediately a bitch.1

Perhaps it's my blond hair that keeps in in this place, or perhaps the green eyes that captivates people. I will never be sure, but I still watch Sam and that's something that hasn't changed. Something lands on my desk as Mrs. Wright talks about nothing. I toss blond hair over my shoulder and slip the note from the hard wooden desk it had become accustomed to. I unfold it and in my hand is a list of names for Abigail...or "It" as they named her.2

The list consisted of "D-girl," "Ussyless," "Boi," "Lezbo," "Dike," "Guy," and many more unspeakable. I choose not to be one to follow the crowd. I didn't need to put a name down about how I feel about her. Let's just say "It" suffices. I sent the note to Cathy, the one who sat closest to "It." Cathy gave the note to to "It" personally.3

"It," She began, "It."4

She continues it until it because a chant. My friends began to chant as well. I just looked at "It" as the chanted. "Shut the fuck up," She whispered louder than anyone had chanted. "What was that Sam?" Mrs. Wright spoke up. The chants stopped and everyone stared at Sam with an amused grin. Even I, unable to hide it, smile just a little.5

"Um...Nothing, M-Mrs. Wright," Sam said, almost in a whisper.6

"Okay, Sam, why don't you come up here with that 'nothing' you have?" Mrs. Wright called her out.7

Sam stood slowly, head down and went up to the front. Mrs. Wright stared her down. "Well? Throw it out!" Mrs. Wright screeched to the point where I even flinch. Sam hesitated and throws it out. The class bell rings and she runs from the room. David is the first to get up and run after her, as usual. Cathy the next, and so on. I grow tired of this after school chasing of Sam, but I follow. I reach the front of the crowd running through the halls filled with people joining the chase and the chant.8

Even those that choose to hate my friends and I chase after Sam. Those that dye their hair everyday, those that wear black all the time, even though that may have secret dark religions, join the normal chase of it as they all chant. "It, It, it, It," The chant continues.9

I am in front, but I don't chant. I stay quiet as my mind lingers on saving Sam from this hell. Turn a corner as the crowd continues straight. I know where Sam goes. I could turn the crowd in her route if I wanted to, but I never do. I don't know why. I think I hate her, that's why I'm chasing her I'm going to bring that bitch DOWN.10

My chest burns and my legs hurt but I don't stop. I know my green eyes are determined. The wind dances with my hair and Sam comes into sight. She still runs and then she slows down to a walk as she reaches around the corner of the school to get into the back door. I lean against a wall half hiding and half breaking. It feels now as if I'd been running a long time. Why am I hiding? I look around the corner once I have my fill of air and find that Sam has gone.11

My eyes widen. How dare she? I think, as I storm into the back door of the school. I make it to the last hall where Sam's last class is and find her stepping out of the hall. "HEY!" I call, the first word I ever said to her after all these years of watching. She stops, looks at me, and runs for dear life, dropping that notebook where she scribbles her little poems.12

My eyes narrow at the little black book in the middle of the hall, but I let her run. I walk to the notebook and pick it up. I open my locker and grab my messenger bag and fill it with books in case I have homework. One of those books is Sam's. Just what does she write in there anyway.13

I don't open the book as soon as I get home. I don't open it after dinner. I don't open in at eleven at night. But when I headed to my room at one, I take Sam's notebook with me. I think I was just stalling when I didn't open it. Why would I be curious about "It" anyway? Exactly, there's no reason to. In my room, I lay on my stomach in my bed. My cellphone rests next to me so that I could answer any call that comes my way. I think I'm trying to make it seem as if I don't NEED to read this.14

I open the small black book actually a bit worried of what I would see. On the first page there was a poem written on the bright blue lines. The inky black smeared a little, no doubt by tears.15

"I am a boy with a vagina16

I am a girl with a penis17

I am a hermaphrodite18

But I am still a person19

And a person has feelings20

and is not an IT21

I am girl with a dick22

and a boy with a puss23

But I am not an it,"24

The end of that short introduction leaves the room with an empty feeling and leaves me with a feeling as if I know nothing of the world. The room is still and the air is crisp. My cell phone rings loudly and breaks through my mixed feelings. I look at it for only a moment. The screen reads Alex. I pick up the phone and answer. “Yo,” I say smiling.25

“Hey baby,” Alex says, laughing.26

“Hey.”27

“What’re you doin’?”28

“The real question is, what’re you doin’ callin’ at one-fifteen?”29

“Oh c’mon, Sarah, you barely talked to me today.”30

“You were too busy chasing SAM around.”31

“Who?”32

I sigh. “’It,’” I laugh.33

“Oh don’t even joke like that.”34

I should be paying attention to what he’s saying, but my mind continues to linger on that poem. Though he is one of the hottest guys in my school…I don’t like him. I had to get a boyfriend on short notice. Can you believe people started to think I was a lesbian? Alex wears his hair long in the front. It’s jet black and his eyes bright brown. His eyes are the thing that makes the girls melt. What keeps him out of the whole “emo/scene” label is the fact that he wears Abercrombie and keeps his jeans loose.35

The next day comes after reading through almost all of Sam’s poems. They made me feel as though I had a lot to learn about the world and I thought maybe the world was in Sam’s notebook. I hide the note book in my messenger bag all day. No one should see Sam’s poems and stories and art. I can’t let that happen. For some reason…I can’t bring myself to talk to my friends about it and I can’t bring myself to talk to Alex about it either. I don’t know why. The day ends in school as it always does. “It, It, it,” fills the hall and Sam is running outside while we try to catch her, but I know where she’s going. I chose not to give her the notebook during class because I will not be seen talking to It.36

I find her in the hall again, going for her things she left when she ran out of the room. “HEY!” I call after her and she freezes.37

I look at her for a long time and for some reason I can’t find the words to say anything else. She runs off. I chase after her, my pace quickening with each step. She’s not getting away this time. Finally I am close enough to stop her. I grab her shoulder and she trips we wall at the same time, I land on top. I look at her and notice that this is the first time I’ve ever seen her eyes. They are bright blue and they shine as the sun hits them. She has such a pretty face. He skin’s like porcelain and it seems to glow no matter how pale. It goes in perfect harmony with her black hair and her bright blue eyes sets everything off. I find myself a little jealous and there was another feeling there…but I can’t place my finger on it. Attraction? NO! No…not attraction.38

I fall off of her and dig through my messenger bag I made sure to carry all day. I didn’t want it to be in the locker because Alex often sneaks in and leaves me little love notes signed “your secret admirer.” I know it’s him, though. I can tell that chicken scratch anywhere. “Here,” I say as I finally find the notebook and slip it out.39

Sam sits up and takes it gently from my hand. “Thanks,” She says and her voice triggers something inside of me, it always has. It’s so soft and sweet, I always felt something when she talks. I don’t know what it is, though.40

She stands up and smiles at me. “For a minute there I thought you were going to beat my ass,” She laughs, offering me a hand.41

I take the offer and pull myself from the ground. “No…you dropped it…and…” I look at her, I want to say I read them, but something tells me I couldn’t.42

Sam’s smile fades. “You read it didn’t you?” She says, smile no longer visible.43

“No…I-” Usually I have a lot to say…but today I just stammer.44

“You liar,” She said, smile appearing again.45

I look at her and laugh. “What the hell. Yes, I read it.” I say.46

Sam smiles and looks at it. A breeze flows by and she looks at me again. “Why don’t you walk with me?” She says.47

I want to say no. NO I won’t be seen with you. You’re an it and I’m definitely not going to talk to you anymore after this day, so forget it. “Yes,” I find myself saying, “Yeah, sure, I don’t have anything better to do.”48

I smooth out my skirt and fix my tank. I wore a lot of pearls today, they matched. Sam dusted off her jeans that actually fit her leg shape and smoothed out her loose button up shirt. It’s black and covers her fingers. She undoes the buttons and for once I can see her actual figure. Underneath that shirt she wars a black tank that fits all her curves perfectly. Her body was almost perfect. Men would be all over her if she just showed that a little more. “Thanks, see, I hardly get people to walk me anywhere.” She says.49

I say nothing. Normally, if I were with my friends, I would say something like “Well, it’s pretty obvious why.” I never really mean things like that, though. She took me the scenic route through the park. I always did like this park, though. There’s this perfect little fountain where goldfish roam, no doubt bought.50

What really catches me off guard is when she rolls up her pant legs and walks into the fountain. “What are you doing?” I giggle, looking around.51

“Playing with the fish!” She giggles back.52

“Oh my God, how old are you again?”53

“Old enough!”54

I laugh and run over there and make my way into the fountain waters too. She splashes me. “Bitch! I just straightened my hair this morning,” I laugh.55

“I noticed, that’s exactly why I’m doing it.”56

I splash her and that goes on for a while. We leave the park with no shoes on and soaked. I’m just happy I didn’t wear a white shirt today. This was the most fun I’ve ever had. My friends like to shop and rip on people but Sam, she’s different. Of course I can never mention this day. Becoming friends with “IT?” What would people think? Eventually we make it to her house. Her father lets her in and she waves goodbye to me. I wave back and it strikes me that Sam doesn’t live very far away.57

All night I think about Sam and the park. Around one Alex calls, but why do I not feel like talking to him? The next day I spend at school with my friends. I try to avoid looks form Sam so I don’t get figured out. After school comes and once again the chase begins. I find her next to a bush instead of in school this time. “Hi,” I smile weakly.58

“Hi,” She says looking at me, then the grass with distance. 59

“I’m sorry, Sam, I just-” I begin.60

“Nah, it’s okay,” She says standing, “Not many want to be seen with me.”61

I feel like a total bitch now, but I still hang with her after school. I go through the week doing so and hanging out over her house. She took me to a forest not far from her house and we often hang out at the park. Monday comes and I meet with my friends at lunch. This time I don’t avoid Sam’s looks, I just toss her a secret smile. Alex sits next to me at lunch. “Hey baby,” He says, kissing me gently. I smile and kiss him back.62

“ Hey,” I say.63

“I’ve got a question.”64

“ Shoot.”65

“Um, why have you been running left near the back of the school every time we chase It?”66

“Because every time I chase her, I forget my things and I have to get them after school.”67

I am ashamed at how smoothly the lie comes out. Why can’t just say I hang out with Sam now? Why can’t I just say that Sam and I are best friends now? I suddenly feel like a super bitch, but again, I meet her after school. We spend that week together after school again and once it reaches Friday, we head to Sam’s house. We eat lunch before heading out. “Dad! I’m off to the woods with Sarah,” Sam calls to her dad who is watching television in the living room before he goes to work at six. 68

“Alright, Kiddo,” He calls back.69

I laugh and Sam rolls her eyes. We walk to the woods and find the place where a dead tree falls onto another tree in this beautiful arc shape. The sun makes the old leaves from last fall glow and I lean against a tree. Sam is playing with a stick and sitting on the dead tree that has fallen against the live one. She looks off in the distance and the sun shines on her black bangs. The wind blows my blonde hair forward and Sam’s black hair in the same direction. “Sarah,” She begins hesitantly, “What if I were to say I’m in Love with you?”70

I hesitated and blushed. It was weird how Alex can never make me blush. I suddenly get very warm. “I…I don’t know what I’d do,” I stammered.71

Sarah jumped from the branch and walked to me until she was in front of me. The warm summer breeze blows her hair backward and mine forward still. She places a porcelain hand on my cheek, now rosy with blushing. “You look really pretty when your in the sun, Sarah.” She says softly.72

“Yeah…thanks.”73

“Your skin, already rosy and tan…just…shines.”74

I say nothing. I look at her and she kisses me. For a moment I melt in her arms unable to pull away, but then I remember that I’m straight…I…have to be. I pull away still a little caught off. “Sam…I…what are you….I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!” I yell and the word “boyfriend” lingers in the air heavy with regret.75

Sam look down at the leaves. “I know…I’m sorry.” She says softly.76

That weekend I spent alone, just thinking. Monday comes again and Alex meets me in lunch again. “Hey baby,” he says and kisses me.77

I kiss back…but this time it feels forced. It’s as if I were dared to do it. My eyes are open and I glance at Sam. He pulls away and I smile at him. “Hey,” I say.78

For the whole week our kisses are like that. Awkward and forced. The weekend comes and I know what I have to do. I make my way to Sam’s house and knock on the door. Her father’s at work. She comes out and answers the door. “Sarah,” She sighs, “Hi.”79

I don’t know why, but I kiss her. For the longest time. She kisses back and I don’t feel forced. I don’t feel awkward…I feel safe. I think I’m a lesbian. Sam and I spend the weekend like a couple, holding hands at the park. Laughing at each others jokes…and everything feels so natural. When Monday comes around. I do what I always should have. At my lunch table, with my friends I listened to them talk trash about Sam. “Look at it, God, is it, like, a hermaphrodite?” Cathy says and Brent laughs.80

“Most likely,” Alex says and smiles at me, but I don’t smile back this time.81

“What’s wrong?” Alex says and the whole table looks at me.82

“Alex…I think we should…break it off.”83

“Why?”84

“Because…”85

“Yeah, why Sarah. You guys are fantastic together. What did he do?” Cathy chimes in.86

“He…didn’t DO anything…I just think we should see other people.”87

“Why?” Bret says.88

“Because…” I begin, not really able to find a way to tell them. “Because…”89

They continue to stare. “I’m a lesbian,” I say.90

Cathy gasps and Brent laughs. “It’s okay, we’ll find you a really hot girlfriend,” Cathy says.91

Alex says nothing. I look at Alex. “I…already have one,” I say before standing and walking to Sam’s table. I feel like everyone is staring at me, but I don’t care.92

I sit at Sam’s table and she smiled at me. She kisses me and again, I feel safe. I turn to see Alex glaring and getting up from the table. He storms out of the lunchroom and Brent follows. The next day Sam and I hold hands as the regular ending of the day begins, but this time I’m by her side and we’re holding hands. We run to the back of the school and laugh. Friday comes and after school is the same and Sam and I spend the day together. I get home and do my homework…like any other day.93

Around one in the morning Alex sends me a text message. It was strange because Alex hadn’t talked to me since I came out of the closet.94

Come to school…we have you little GIRLFRIEND.95

My eyes grow wide and I quickly get dressed. I sneak out of my window and run all the way to the school. The back doors are open and I go in. In the hallway that lead to the back door, Alex and Brent hold Sam while the crowd of girls beat her. Cathy is in a corner, knees to her chest. “LEAVE HER ALONE!” I scream and run to her, but another crowd of men hold me down. It’s Alex’s turn to beat her and Sam is already on the ground.96

Alex smirks. "Let's see what you really are, huh?" He says, reaching for Sam's pants.97

"NO!" Sam screams as Alex rips off her pants.98

"OH! It's a girl," he laughs harshly, "Or a BOY WITH VAG?" He grabbed Sam's hair and got real close to her face. His face goes form smug to pissed in a flat second. "Is that what you are, huh? You little bitch?"99

He then stands and kicks her. “You fucking LESBIAN!” Alex kicks her again and Sam coughs.100

He grabs her by her hair and slams her against a locker. “You took my girl away from me. I FUCKING LOVED HER!” he screams.101

My eyes are wide and my heart is beating. Please stop Alex, I think, please stop. He slams her to the locker again and throws her on the floor. He gets on her and starts punching her in the face over and over screaming profanities. “ALEX STOP PLEASE!” I scream. He stops for a second and looks at me.102

“Why should I? I only took orders form my girlfriend,” he hissed and began to punch her again. Brent looks at me and I can feel his apology. I look away, tears falling from my eyes. “Stop man, she’s had enough,” Brent says grabbing Alex and pulling him off. 103

I look again and Alex tried to go for Sam again and Brent pulls him off. “I SAID SHE’S HAD ENOUGH!” Brent screams, throwing Alex to a locker.104

Alex looks wide-eyed for a moment and wipes off his nose before leaving. “Yeah, leave you little asshole!“ Cathy screams after him. “NO ONE DESERVES THAT!”105

The crowd that was there before all feel empty inside and I can feel it. The men holding me back lets me go and I run to Sam. Sam is barely breathing and she looks at me. Her face is scarred and swollen. Blood drips form her mouth and my heart drops. Sam rests a hand on my cheek and I begin to cry. “It’s okay…” Sam tried to soothe, “It’s okay.”106

The crowd watched me cry and eventually thinned. The only two left were Brent and Cathy. I don’t think I can forgive them for being part of this, but at least I know they’re still my friends. “It’s okay.” Sam soothes.107

Cathy calls the police and they wait with me as I cry, they wait with me when the police comes, and they wait with me as Sam’s last words are spoken. "I love you, Sarah Biggens." She says.