Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Forty Nine

The crisis worker and my mom came back1

They both saw the blood
The crisis worker asked me
"What I did now"2

“I peeled the scab”3

I told him
Through the tears that had returned
With his question that reeked of blame and anger4

“Why?”5

He asked me6

“Do you want to be in the hospital? Is that it?”7

I thought about that question
I thought about how out of control I’d felt
Digging at my own skin until I bled
I thought about how close to killing myself I’d come in the past
I thought about how low and desperate and scared
I’d been feeling8

Maybe I did want to be in the hospital
I tried to come up with the right words to say this
But my brain was thinking in fragments again
I couldn’t summon words
I could just cry harder
With the fears in my heart
And the frustrations in my head9

The crisis worker gave me a disgusted look
And then called the nurse over to look at the source of the blood10

My wound was still bleeding
And it was pretty gross looking11

“How did this happen?”12

Asked the nurse13

“Scissors and a pin. Last night. I picked the scab.”14

I whispered
Even now my words were fragments15

My mom sighed
The nurse shook her head
The crisis worker came back in 16

“We’re going to look for a hospital bed for you,’17

He informed me
I felt relief
And fear
Both at the same time18

I cried19

Harder then I’d ever cried before
The nurses wanted to give me a shot of Ativan
To calm me down and shut me up
Luckily my mom was there to inform them
Of my allergy to it20

I couldn’t stop crying
I cried so much it hurt my head
I cried so much I felt feverish
I was still crying when some more paramedics arrived
To bring me to the same hospital I’d been in the year before21

It was a whole year later
And I’d come full circle 22

Once again23

I found myself
Getting strapped in to a stretcher
It was the third ambulance ride in twenty-four hours24

Once again I heard the voices screaming at me
How disappointing I was25

Once again I felt disappointment and frustration
With myself
And with my life26

Once again I saw exhaustion
And glimmers of fear
And sadness
In my mom’s eyes27

Once again I found myself
At the hospital talking to the intake person
And then walking onto a locked unit
And hearing the door’s lock click in place behind me28

Once again I was subjected to a strip search
And put through an admissions interview29

Once again I stepped on the
Now familiar scale
Behind nurses’ station30

Once again I heard mention of eating disorder protocol
As soon as my weight registered as 70.3 pounds31

Once again seeing my weight loss
Was the only bright spot
In the black hole of depression
That I’d been sucked into32

My second time around at Bailey Hill Hospital33

Was very much like my first
I was assigned to a room
With not much in it
Besides a bed and a dresser34

I was assigned to the same doctor
But a different social worker
It didn’t matter though
This social worker
Was just as bad as the previous one35

At first36

It seemed like maybe things wouldn’t be as bad
As they had been a year earlier
The staff that showed me to my room was nice to me
I met a girl who smiled at me
And seemed like she might be nice37

They started me with an art therapist
Who met with me and had a gentle voice38

The groups weren’t that bad
I just had to show up
And then sit there and look
Like I was actually paying attention
And then staff wouldn’t bother me too much39

But then40

The staff started picking on me
They would tell me that
I wasn’t speaking loud enough
They claimed I was being passive aggressive
By speaking in a whisper
I didn’t even know what that meant
But I didn’t like the sound of it41

They told me my behavior was too childish
That I needed to act more mature
More grown up
More like a teenager42

Every morning they woke me up
At six AM when the night shift was still on
And had me pee in a cup
And change into a hospital gown
Then I had to walk down the hall
Behind the nurses station
And step onto the cold metal scale43

If I hadn’t gained at least a quarter of a pound
They increased the amounts I had to eat44

I wasn’t allowed in the bathrooms after meals
And I wasn’t allowed in the bathrooms at all
If I didn’t have a female staff with me45

If I didn’t eat everything on my tray
They brought out a 350 calorie nutritonal supplement
They warned me that if I didn’t drink the whole thing
Than they would give me an NG tube for three days46

I did what they wanted
It made me feel horrible inside
I started gaining weight
And losing self respect