There was a kid dressed in black1
Black hair, black clothing, black chains hanging from his neck2
Dark black paint covering his entire face3
His dark piercing black eyes boring holes right through your bones4
Everyone called him the weirdo5
He roamed from place to place, stealing knives and rifles6
He gave people mean glares, just ready to kill7
Anyone in his path was dead meat8
The weirdo struck every night at 12 am9
His bloody hand gripping the sharp blade of the knife10
He scared little children at the sight of him11
He killed their dogs and hung them from tree branches12
The weirdo strikes again
- The Best Group Ever group list • next in list
A contest entry
- WANTED!!! Monsters, Demons, & Villains by Andy Stephenson.
350 points, ended July 1, 2008, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Frustrations, anxiety, death, depression.. by RedHearts.
330 points, ended June 30, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampires Ghosts And Demons. by Web Haunting.
155 points, ended June 20, 2008, 9 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poets/Storywriters 16 and Under. by kierancluchey.
250 points, ended June 29, 2008, 10 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Inspiration by Song. by brittie.
175 points, ended July 21, 2008, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Chance to Win by moonwriter.
450 points, ended June 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Sad fairies, cool poems, and unique fantasy by NinjaMegami.
100 points, ended July 2, 2008, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by Zerstort.
185 points, ended July 17, 2008, 95 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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This was very unique!
Here are a few things I noticed:
p11 'He scared little children at the sight of him'
This sentence seems odd to me. Perhaps, 'The sight of him scared little children'?
Also, the last sentence does not seem like a final closure to me. It still seemed left open and that tends to make an audience very uneasy. Perhaps something more like, 'The weirdo walked the dark, shadowly streets the rest of his life. Or something to that effect.
However, good write! Keep writing. Write On! -
definitely a wierdo to me. Hope someone stops him from killing the innocent dogs. Good read.
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This is more like a poem than a short story.I do like it,think that it could be a good basis for a longer short story. Why does the Werdo kill? Does he have a motive? Does he terroritze a neighbourhood?
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scary
I can see this person in my mind
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Wooah that's freaky lol.
I'd hate to have The Weirdo living in my town.
It was very good!
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Dude, this was pretty cool for only 100 words.
Of course, I feel you could have made it a little scarier if you were a little more subtle in some wierd way, but i don't know what i'm talking about.
Keep up the good work!
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ilove this!
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This was very distrubing, but pretty good. It oculd use some work, though. I wasn't afraid of the weirdo. I didn't really see a reason to be as you, the writer, didn't put the emotion of fear behind this piece. It needs something to give it an emotional effect.
Tell us how the people reacted. Tell us whether they were scared, disturbed, frightened, or worried. Make us feel what the weirdo does. Disturb us. And maybe add a little more imagery in. I got the black. But describe more than just black. Maybe like black chains hung from a pale neck. something more desciptive.
Use a thesaurus and try to find a synonym for mean. Mean ruins the mood of the piece. Try angry instead.
This was pretty good though. -
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Awwwwww man... i'm never gonna get a trophy!!
I haven't gotten one in ages!
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Dark, disturbing, and oddly intriguing. It is, however, very short. It seems like a poem of sorts, though I think you could turn it into a short story.
Now for the bad news. You submitted this to a contest. The problem? Well, for one, the story is only 100 words long - the minimum requirment is 500. Also, the contest is invite only. And so far, you haven't been invited. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to remove this.
It's a good story, though. Just, it's not right for the contest. Thanks anyway -
Awwwww...
Thank you, Lil'. You are a great SW friend, as well as a great real-life friend. -
Chilling
This was absolutely chilling, it sent shivers down my spine! I love it. Add more detail, make him a story.beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 5, dialog: 2, characters: 5.
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Evil Character.
Weirdo seems to be a really evil character. This seems to be more of a character sketch than a story. I feel that it needs to be expanded and needs some conflict.
Thanks for entering WANTED!!! Monsters, Demons, & Villains
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Andy
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That was really creepy. Not many poems are able to send a shiver down my spine, but this one did. Good work!
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Good
I thought you may have used black too much at the beginning. I like the feel, and the imagery. It was a great read. Continue writing!
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oooh...creepy.
i read a story like this once..it gave me nightmares.anyhooo
keep up the good work
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Creepy but creative and well written. Well done.
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Don't
Don't listen to anyone! This was well written, and I immeadiatly knew it was a poem. ed it!!!!! -
Okay....
This was spooky, it gave me an eerie-like feeling. Pretty well-written. -
Creepy.. Maybe u should have told more about his character, as why does he kill? Interesting to read though!!!!
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well this is descriptive, but it would be better if you could get inside his mind, have dialogue and show events rather than tell about them. this seems more like a poem
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Yeah, it's meant to be a poem
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ummm...This was okay.
You described his appearance.
Now, what?
You gotta add what this 'weirdo' person's doing or done.
okay? -
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okay, uh.... sorry??? I"m only 14, so um sorry if my writing wasn't the best in the world..... i'm still working on it.
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um..ok, you successfully described his appearance..So?
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Um, sorry if nobody understood this, but this is supposed to be a poem. I don't know why everyone thought it was a story, but yeah.... it's a poem...... I must be terrible if everyone's thinking it's not, maybe I'll edit this a little bit....lol
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