A Compiled Address to the Dead

Suicide is a mystery of life that will never be fully understood or explained. Stigma surrounds the topic- branding those who’ve done it, who are no longer able to defend themselves. Families and friends are left to mourn the loss and attempt to convince themselves that they couldn’t have done anything and it was their selfish choice, though one can’t help feeling guilty. 1

Memories of the last time we spoke flood back every now and then. There was a dance on Friday, the day she came back. She was wearing a RIP Denny t-shirt, and I told her, "Jackie, I love you."
She held me, and I held her.
“I love you too, Annie Kelly.”
Too bad that didn't last. She heard how I felt about Dennis “Denny” Fahey, her boyfriend that killed himself on the Ides of March. She knew I thought he was a psychotic bitch. And she got mad and said I was a bad friend.
“You’re such a bad friend, Annie! You know he had problems!”
I was crushed. She was my best friend. I apologized but she didn’t speak to me again. The following Monday I decided to address her in the best way I knew how: a letter. On that Monday, April third, Jackie was not in school. I went home assuming she was sick which was not unusual for her. I received a call from the school asking for my mother who wasn’t home. It was Miss Ras, my religion teacher and Jackie’s main confidante.
“Is your mom home?”
“No…” I said
“Have her call me. It’s very important.”
So, I called my mom and she said, "Annie, this is your last chance to tell me what you did before they do. You’ll be in less trouble if you tell me now.”
I said, “Mom, I think it's about Jackie. I just got that feeling..."
And she hung up.
Soon, I heard the car door slam and I rushed up the stairs to greet her.
I remember her tired eyes, full of tears. I knew something was wrong.
“It’s Jackie, isn’t it…” I started.
She cut me off and cried, “Do you know that she’s dead?”
And that is how I found out that my beautiful Jackie was dead. I never gave her the note. I waited till Monday to tell her, and I never got the chance. 2

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Poems to The Dead:
It’s been almost a year
Since that inexplicable day
Since you took from me
My best friend
Since you forever went away.5

Why can’t I forget my tears
And carry on with my life?
Why can’t I forget your infectious smile
And continue on with routine strife?6

Honestly dear, I can’t be mad
But I don’t know what I can do.
It’s not your fault you were in love,
It’s not your fault that
He died too.7

I hope you’re happy
Wherever you are.
I hope you’re with him
Eternally in death,
But you’re always alive in my heart.8

After One Year of Being Dead:
I wonder if we’re all thinking the same thing.
Some smiling faces
Overtaken by looks of utmost despair,
Remembering the occurrences of last year…
The death of a friend,
The loss of an ally.
I can’t take these thoughts,
This pain encompassing my heart.
I am weak, floundering
In a sea of tears.
One scar- one year,
Yet it feels like a lifetime.
Your death took a part of me…
Never to be returned.
I just want you back…9


Notes to The Dead:
Hey. It's 4:25 in the AM and I should be sleeping.
But all I can do is think.
And that sucks.
I just want to sleep, but thoughts of you just continuously pop into my head to the point where I can't concentrate.
And that often makes me really, really sad.
Whenever someone calls the name Jackie in the halls or in class I jump and look around...
I've had to double the trips to my therapist since you died.
I miss you so much
Really more than anything I've ever missed.
I know you'd know what to do, Jackie.
I'm lost,
depressed,
hopeless,
in love,
bipolar.
Hun I wish you were here.
I need to hug you. I need you to hug back. I miss you so much.
Why did you have to leave?
Some day you will explain this all to me.10


Hi darling. I've been thinking/talking about you a lot lately. I just heard the song One Last Time by HIM in which he says "Is it so hard to believe that our hearts are made to be broken by love" and I totally broke down. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that song--probably like 1,342,934 times. I love HIM and I can't believe I didn't know where that was from.
God, Jackie. I hope you're really happy wherever you are. Sometimes I remember shadow day, and how much you made me laugh...and then I remember the day I got the news---the 3rd. I remember how much you made me cry. Funny how someone you care about so much can make you laugh and cry....and well, everything else!
Jackie...I miss you dearly. I'll never forget how much you helped me...and I hope at one point in your life I helped you.
Some of the last civil words we shared were "Jackie, I love you!"..."I love you too Annie Kelly!".....
You loved me. And I need to remember that when I hate myself for letting you go.
Jackie, I love you...
...I love you forever. 11


Why is it that I can't help but cry?
God Jackie. I miss you. 12


Jackie..
I feel like I'm dying.
Everything is hitting me at once.
Everything is bombarding me.
The boy I love cheated on me
And completely deleted me from his life.
I have no idea what to do.
I want a hug from you.
...
You gave the best hugs.13

The spirit of the dead will always live on in our hearts.
Jackie, You will always be alive to me. Your smile and personality keep you here with me. Forever, Jackie, I will love you. And I'll never forget how much you helped me. I love you forever, Jackie.
Love,
Annie14

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I have to talk about you and remember you.
I swear I don’t want to drag anyone down.
I just don’t want to forget you.
All I see is your smile and your eyes,
Your perfectly makeup’d eyes glistening in the Lemont sun,
Lighting up further with each smile.
Translucent tears fill your eyes in laughter,
Streaming down your cheeks.
I blink and remember that you’re gone.
I strain to recall your voice- your infectious laugh.
No sound comes.
Silence reverberates against my ear.
Again I collapse.
My heart beats quickly.
No words grace my lips.
I’m sorry…16

I’ll end with a quote from Jacquelyn Erickson herself, a writer, thinker, lover and friend.
Life is like a tree, we grow, we color, and when the last leaf falls, we die. But we know we’ve given oxygen to others to help them breathe.