"Why, Dear sister where have you been?" Edwin inquired. He had flung the door wide as soon as he'd heard the clopping hooves on the damp, cobbled street out front. He embraced his sister tightly, then pulled back to take a look at her. "Never mind, I think I know where you've been. Another one of your ridiculous witch hunts was it?" Edwin ignored the opening and shutting of her trembling mouth and ushered her inside. "We found Gustav..."1
So, it hadn't been a dream. Aelfric had chased her through the graveyard. All of the knowledge she had gathered was still compiling and sorting its self in her mind so that it made sense. Maharani shook herself, turning to face her brother. "T'was an animal. He stopped to fix the bridles on the beasts and something came stalking onto the road." Edwin gazed sharply at his sister. So she would lie to him. 2
"Maybe you should go up to bed after you've gotten cleaned, and tell me when you'll be hunting again so I'm not worried out of my senses Maharani Rayne!" he scolded softly. He turned, his coat tails fluttering behind him as he glided arrogantly to the staircase. He spiraled up into the second floor of the Manor, keeping his brusque pace until he had reached the library. "An animal indeed. A blood thirsty corpse is what took that man down." He growled. Unlike his sister, Edwin was a rather snivelly looking man. He was of average height and very thin. He unlike Aelfric, was not lean and lithe, but lanky and prepubescent in appearance though he was nearly twenty seven. 3
His thin blond hair fell to his shoulders and wa tied back at all times by a satin ribbon, as men's fashions were favoring these days. His lips were thin as horizontal lines and his nose was a long, narrow slope perfectly set mid face. He was severe and almost beautiful until you looked into his eyes. Also unlike his sister's Emerald spheres, Edwin's eyes were coal black, and flat as uncorked ale. He was a piteous soul and a harsh master to the servants. His only true credit was that he was far beyond scholarly. He was rather clever, really. 4
This was how he had come across an ancient prophecy and learned of Lord and Noble aelfric Cromwell who was well beyond his senior. "Just lead me to him and I will be raised to a position of honor and glory in the eyes of all!" Edwin muttered, tracing one boney finger over the map of speculated sites where Cromwell may be dwelling. 5
Maharani brushed her hair, having washed herself and put on fresh clothing. Why had she run? She loved Aelfric, she could not deny the feeling the welled up inside of her at the site of his sorrowful face, nor could she ignore the ache in her arms as she longed to hold him. But, she also could not deny that the realization of what he was and site of those pearl white scycles in his mouth wrought terror in her. The more she thought it over, the more she shook with rage at her own cowardice. He'd been living hundreds of lifetimes alone, chasing her, and she was a little frightened? She slammed down the brush in her hand, shattering the ivory handle. The pure bone white ornament shattered to dust with the force of her anger and was gone in a draft as soon as she unclenched her fist. She had to go back. Ripping off her night dress she slid into her riding gown. It was time to end this cycle of ignorant reincarnations. 6
Edwin had known his sister would try and go quietly, but what he had not expected was for Maharani to slip out of their home the same night she had returned. He'd expected her to need more time to let the shock ware off and her pathetic female emotions overcome her senses. When the Captain of the guard appeared at the door of Edwin's quarters and announced that the Lady had retreated from the grounds, Edwin was taken aback, and grabbed his traveling cloak with no hesitation. "Ready my horse and fetch me my tool satchel please, Luxton." 7
The horse's feet crashed like thunder on the stones that lay embedded on the old dirt road, the beast's legs churning faster and faster beneath it. Maharani lay flattened to the animal's back, leaning forward and urging him on. "Please, Horris, you must make haste!" she bid him. Suddenly the horse reared, throwing her from his back. As Maharani picked herself up on her elbows, sweeping her curls from infront of her eyes, she saw Horris' front hooves come plummeting back down, straight for the center of her chest. Just as Maharani tried to throw her arm up in a feeble defens, a flash of sleekened shadow flitted out of the forest's edge, stepping between her and the Horse. Horris whinnyed, backing up a few frantic steps, his head tossed this way and that on the length od sinewy, slender, glistening black neck. He turned and galloped away, crying into the night.8
"They always sense me coming, and they don't like it much. You M'lady, are going to have a very empty stable if you and I keep meeting like this." Aelfric stated coolly, turning his sparkling eyes to Maharani. "Where are the others?" He asked. She looked at him, confusion evident in her gaze.9
"Others?"10
"What? No stakes, no torches and pitchforks? You don't have a vial of Holy Water hidden in the valley of your bosom?" He asked incredulously.Maharani gathered her skirts and stood up, bringing herself chest-to-chest with Aelfric and with an indignant 'hmph' brought the palm of her hand crashing against his alabaster cheek. 11
"That's nothing to accuse the love of your after lives of, dearest." She seethed in a reproachful tone before grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to her, full force as her lips crashed against his, her chest heaving with a sigh of gratification.12
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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No that's quite alright! I really appreciate what you wrote. Your comment showed me that you took the time to actually read my work and din't just comment for points. I also like that your criticism was constructive, not as flippant as a simple "this was good," or "I didn't like it" thank you very much!
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One more thing I forgot to tell you - all the rules I gave are rules of thumb. They work most of the time, but there is a time to break almost all of them. When you do break them, be sure you know you are breaking them and why you are breaking them.
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I just finished all five chapters of this. You have brought it to a good close here. Is this all there is to be?
Let me start by saying your story has moments of brilliance. Your description is good and you pay attention to visuals - very important. You have a lot of promise as a writer and I hope you keep it up.
Now (sigh, I guess I have to), I will not tell you how to write your story, but there are a few things I think you should look at and work on to add power to your delivery. First, please take a look at the things like spelling or word separation. You have done a good job for the most part, but there are a few places where these things tripped me up as I was travelling through your story. (Example: mym ind instead of my mind) You don't want to trip you reader (Unfortunately, even though I spend a lot of time on re-writes, I still have a few of these when I post...just something we all have to work on all the time)
Next, it seems to me that you went from first person to third person on the last chapter. It took me some time to decide we were talking about the same person. This is not an issue if each chapter is a separate story, but if you tie them together, put them in the same person.
Next, there are a few times (especially in the earlier chapters) when you go from past tense to present tense in the same sentence. This may be a dialect difference between you and me, but I tripped on these as I read.
Now let me give you a tip on your action that I doubt seriously any school teacher will give you. Your description is good, but now to build your suspense more: We people think of the story as progressing chronologically as we read, we think of it as happening in an active sense (get rid of the word "had" in your action sentences wherever you can), and we think of action as being a series of motivations and reactions. Sometimes you may need to break up sentences and paragraphs in order to achieve this, but it will add impact and suspense. Basically, what you do is first state something in your current scene that causes a stimulus. Maybe your character saw something, maybe something moved, maybe somebody said something...you get the idea. Next generally proceed to answer these questions - most times in this order: What did she feel? What did she think? What did she do? What did she say?
Going in that order causes the reader to properly form their visuals and sets them up for the impact of what is said - they will not have to back up and re-work their visuals in their mind after someone speaks. You don't always answer all of those questions, but the ones you answer you generally answer in that order, and it seems natural to your reader because you've led them to the full visual, set them up for the impact of the dialog, and taken them through the next step chronologically in the story.
Your story is brilliant, and you are a good writer (I would not take the time to share this if I did not believe those two things). I sincerely hope you continue writing stories, and when you do, I want to read them. Good job!
(BTW - I know some people don't want a comment like this on their work. I will not be offended if you delete this, but I hope this gives you something that helps you).
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