black and blue

another hit, another bruise
another breaking bone
his wrath louder than my screams
i feel so alone1

his eyes are full of fire
i close my eyes tight
too bad this ain’t a fairy tale
too bad i have no knight2

i catch a glimpse of me
in a mirror on the wall
my lips are half open
in a silent call3

please God, let me die soon
i’d love to come see you
i’d love to see those pearly gates-
instead of black and blue

In a list

A contest entry

what do you think? (:

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • SparklingMoonlight
    June 30, 2008

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    Ooh, full of pain and hurt, I liked it. The capitalization seemed a little strange in parts, but overall it was good and well-written. Good luck in my contest and thanks for entering!

    ~lil~


  • RedHearts
    June 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow I could feel the pain and..I feel like killing child abusers. This is short but conveyed so many emotions..Keep up the good work!


  • karmaxandxcrayons
    June 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This poem is so sad. The emotion in this is excellent and you did a great job of conveying your ideas.

    The only line I had even a remote problem with was the last line in the first stanza. I'd get rid of either the "all" or the "so" in that line, but hey, it's not my poem and I'm not a poet so it's just a suggestion.

    Great job and don't ever stop writing!!!

    xoxox

    Maureen.

    • miles of smiles
      June 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      thanks! what do you think would sound better- "i feel all alone" or "i feel so alone?" (the only reason i used 'all' and 'so' is to keep the syllable count more even)

      • karmaxandxcrayons
        June 15, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Oh yes yes syllables. I personally think "so" but since I'm not the author it's all up to you. You don't have to change ANYTHING if you don't want to!!

        • miles of smiles
          June 15, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          there! you always have good advice (that i know of, haha) so i left in "so" and took out "all". i read through it and it sounds better- do you think so too?


  • Hismercy
    June 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    What I think...


    This was just a *rock* on poem !!!

    I personally loved your second paragraph , I was smiling from ear to ear...the way you just molded the whole thing together even...was just a beautiful sight !!

    -Hismercy

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

1 - 12 of 12