A Vampire Murderer


~I've read many stories in my life, and many of those that I read are stories about vampires. Not those evil ones where people die, but the good ones, where vampire kid is actually normal and drinks something other than blood because they love humans. So...that's peobably how it would be in real life...right?~
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I was in the high school cafetteria, it was practically a normal day at lunch. I looked over at the table where the new kid sat. He was tall and lean, but he looked strong. his hair was pitch black, and his eyes were dark too. I kept starring at him, and suddenly he turned and our eyes met. 2

Suddenly I was choking. I couldn't breathe. Time stood still, nothing moved. my lungs wouldn't work, and my heart raced pumping my firery hot blood through my veins. i looked up, and tried to find somewone who could help. Then I saw it, the dark sillouete of the new boy looming over me.3

"Pl...ease...." I choked, holding my neck, "I can't....br..eath...help..." He pulled my hands away from my throat with hard, rock-solid icy fingers. He used his hand to push my head down on the table, revealing my neck in a clear way. The whole room spiraled into nothing but darkness, and I could almost feel my death,4

"You have so much blood," He said, "All I have to do is slice you open and drink it all. Blood is wasted on you humans, and you don't deserve it." I felt him run an icy finger down my bare throat, and I flinched. "To see all of that blood spilled on the floor," He said, "That would be something I'd pay to see." I heard a hissing noise, the sound a cobra makes when it's about to strike it's prey. I waited for the impact, clamped my eyes shut and....nothing happened.5

I felt my friend shaking my by the shoulder, "Allison!!" She yelled, shaking harder, "Allison wake up!!" A sudden pain poured through my body, and I sat up. 6

"What happened?" I asked, confused,7

"I think you were having a seizure," She said, "are you Ok...?"8

"Yeah," I said, "I...I think so." I snuck a peak at the new kid's table, only to see him staring back through dark, soulless eyes.9

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I ducked down as i slipped through the forest on the outkirts of town. It was a shorter way to go this way to my house than take the path. I ran swiftly, because it was going to storm. thunder rolled deafeningly high above and lightning crashed and lit the sky aflame. I was just climbing over an old rotted log, when suddenly a crow flew at me, it's beak grazing my shoulder and breaking the skin,11

"Damn..." I said, holding my shoulder as  little blood began to trickle out, "This is just great..." Suddenly a cold wind encircled me, and the burning sensation arose in my veins again. I went down on one knee, and when I looked up...He was there.12

A sickenengliy evil smirk came across his face, "No one can hear you." He said, "It's time for me to rip you open and drink all of your luccious blood..."13

"I tried to run, but he moved too fast to see. He gradded me by my hair and threw me against a nearby tree, and I could feel my bones shatter at impact. Then the last thing I saw before I went into sheer terror and shock, was a pair of vicious and hungry fangs clamping down onto my neck.14

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A blood curdeling cry rang through the forest, but was drown out by the loud thunder. No one ever found Allison Johnson's corpse, not that they'd want to. It was copletely drained of all of the blood. As for the new kid. He continued to feast, hunting down more of his defensless pray and devouring them.16

~One thing is always true. Never trust anything that makes a vampire sound good. That includes the books where the vampire loves humans and doesn't drink blood. Because in reality, they'll always thirst for human blood.~17

A contest entry

VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • Kagamine Rin
    January 22
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    Now that I look back and comment on this, this was actually pretty good. It could be even better if you'd edit it and make it longer. This is fun, I'm reading all of my old and pointless stories. xD


  • LadyDementia
    October 3, 2008

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    A very creative tale you've told. I like the way you approached it, different to what I've read here so far. The errors really need fixing tho, they are very distracting. Other than that neat read, good luck

    beginning: 3, language: 2, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 4.


  • cole3313
    September 30, 2008

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    woa.
    Double woa.
    That was intense!
    Good job.
    Awwww I'm a twilight fan...I cant trust my Edward...that sux.
    but anyway, it was a really good story. That kid was just creepy.


  • Oddems.
    September 6, 2008
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    I very much enjoyed the beginning and ending paragraph - something nobody seems to think about. The story altogether, however, was a bit rushed and you had many grammar problems. Run it through a last edit and it should be good, maybe enlongating it. Good job and good luck though!

    PR


  • kitigrl-sparkloholic
    August 28, 2008
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    i like it!

    especially the beginning.

    ~I've read many stories in my life, and many of those that I read are stories about vampires. Not those evil ones where people die, but the good ones, where vampire kid is actually normal and drinks something other than blood because they love humans. So...that's peobably how it would be in real life...right?~

    its great! creepy! dark! eek!


    kiti


  • Reaver Greeters member
    July 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Read before, but enjoyed twice:)

    Very good twice around Thanks for entering and good luck with future writing and contest wins

    Durian
    --------------------------

    Previous Comment:

    Spelling, captials and structure (run-on's) flaws. Just needs a good proofread.

    I enjoyed the story and the slight hint of warning about Vampires. Well written conceptually. Good Detail and strong voice.

    Good Concept. Thanks for entering. I enjoyed the read.

  • Kagamine Rin
    July 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This type of genre is hard. But you did it pretty well, I'll admit. But the only thing you missed was the grammar. Other than that, I liked it. =] Good job


  • Oblivion Kitty God silver member
    July 23, 2008

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    Creative concept, in a way. Vampires, though, are so overdone that it's not even funny. I like vampire stories fro mtime to time, don't get me wrong, but without fail I get at least one in every single contest I host.

    Still it is dark. But I asked for no blood. Yes, there's just a little trickle here, but the rules were adding a twist: dark without blood.

    Also, vampires have been so overly mutated from their original mythological roots. But basically, yes, they were agents of evil. I like that you add that in.

    Nonetheless, I'm afriad I have to disqualify this story for the blood. Thanks for entering though. If you want, you can remove this story and try a different one.


  • Hellcat Metal
    July 21, 2008

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    This was nice. There were some errors here and there and things seemed to go a little fast but overall it was an interesting read. I did like your concept of it, saying that you can't trust vampires, even the "good" ones in books. Kind of reminded me of Twilight at the beginning..don't know if that's the thing you were going for or not but it was a good read! Good luck and thanks for entering the contest.


    • Sha Wujing
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yah, i tried to start it out like Twilight, y'know with the gorgeous new boy and all? But, then i changed it...kinda what would've happened if Edward hadn't controlled himself and actually attacked Bella...


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    July 16, 2008

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    Hmmm... I'm not sure if this qualifies for my contest, but I do like how its mocking the series. I'll allow it. Thanks for entering!


  • Friesian
    July 4, 2008

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    Woah

    This was sinister and dark! Poor kid, they didn't know! I like your take on vampires, bloodthirsty murderers..literally! Great job!


  • dancindream
    June 27, 2008

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    I enjoyed the read very much =)
    it was dark, an di'm happy that it was a different kind of vampire story, cuz im tired or reading stories exactly like twilight and stuff. you have a couple of grammar errors, but there are able to be overlooked because your descriptions are so good! only one thing i would recommend is describing how Allison looks cuz i think its more fun to read osmethign if u can clearly picture all the characters.
    You are a great writer, so keep it up =)


  • DeathNoteYaoi
    June 24, 2008
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    WOW very dark yay vampires thax for the story


  • Kagamine Rin
    June 23, 2008
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    Heh, I'm making a vampire story! W00T


  • Tiger-Lily
    June 18, 2008

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    luccious = luscious

    Finally...a vamp story where the vamp isn't all glorified. Seriously...they're dead things...how people like them I never get...O.O

    Great read. Thank you for giving me some hope.

    -H

  • Reaver Greeters member
    June 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Spelling, captials and structure (run-on's) flaws.  Just needs a good proofread. 

    I enjoyed the story and the slight hint of warning about Vampires.  Well written conceptually.  Good Detail and strong voice. 

    Good Concept.  Thanks for entering.  I enjoyed the read. 

    Durian.

  • Sha Wujing
    June 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is probably a genre I'll never write in again. I don't really like horrors...but, i do like making evil characters!!

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